Just the Beginning.....

I was about 17 an I didn't know much at the time, one of those wish I knew then what I do now kind of things.. Only thing I really knew was that I wasn't real happy at home, I mean I had a good mom-she worked hard to take care of my little sister an I , and our house was the house all your friends wanted to be at,but my mom an I just never really clicked. I knew my mom loved me( maybe because she had to because she was my mom,but I wouldn't say that love you could fell). I knew young I wanted to do well an get out.. I did the getting out,just forgot to do well first..

I ended up leaving to stay with my then boyfriend, who in school we all knew he was  a little off- the kind who got attached to girls quickly,treated them poorly an when they wanted to leave, he'd pull out the old **leave an I'll kill myself quilt thing.. I didn't think I would be with him long,was kind of thinking long enough to just be away from home*and I was best friends with his sister so it was fun being there each day.Before I really had time to realize it, the abuse had taken over.From the emotional — an that is way worse then anyone can ever tell you. Then the physical, and that hurt but it went away, the marks could be hidden,with emotional you can't take the words back an they go so deep so quickly.Once he knew I was to afraid to do anything about it, the cheating started. I still am unsure if I knew??? Maybe I did an was scared to react.. I remember once I confronted  him, and his sister had to hold him back while his younger brother jumped in front of me, while he charged at me with a knife this time it wasn't he would kill himself it was if I left,he would kill me..and although only 17 , he would..It was several months later, and I found out I was pregnant..I wasn't afraid to tell my mom, she had me at 15,but I was scared for this child an me, that we would be tied together for the years ahead.. That we were.. He cheated over an over an I stayed, he would throw dinners at my head with our daughter in my hands, I wasn't aloud to have friends or take my daughter to the park, he would grab me by neck an choke my while I would be feeding our daughter- while his mother would watch, and it was years before I would find my voice, oddly my breaking point was him spitting in my face* not even him having other girls call my cell. I packed 2 XL boxes an called my cousin an his friend to get them out of the  house an make sure I was ok, I still believed he would kill me for going BUT at this point , I was ok choosing death because what I was living was already hell an couldn't be any worse..my daughter was a toddler an wasn't living ,just growing to see the abuse, and I was honestly ashamed she knew,but I never wanted to leave until she knew I tried to make it work...she knew I stayed,she knew what I took,she remembered the dinners across my head,BUT she always wondered why I didn't try to be better an make it work, and why I took her from her dad??? More abuse then I needed for nothing, he was still the angel an me the devil for making our lives what they were..