hate that I lay in bed beside this person who I waited SO very long for, who I had let my mind wonder off to through out so many years of my life. I use to play back to this one day in time, where I let this nice side of this person take up thought in my head over an over, I let the thoughts of a day let me wonder, wish, hope and think of many things. With each one of those it was a friend, one who was or at least for a minute felt like some kind of safe space. At least in my head he had been for so long! I guess in the end do any of us ever really want to think that this vision we had of something or even someone could be way off??? 

I could probably start this entry off in over a hundred different ways, with this many thoughts... NOT even sure how I don't just scream or curl up in a ball with tears. These thoughts are so fast and there is so many of them at that, and NONE stay in any order making it worse. I know that it has been, what 3 years really since I have written even one thought down? I'd like to understand why, but not even I do.

In the last almost 3 months, I  have made alot of quick, sudden very unlike me but very needed choices. I won't lie- I don't know if I haven't really taken them in to process or If I am trying to just forget them an keep going. All I know is that every day for way to long I was waking up with this full blown anxiety pressure and fear, a feeling that seemed to consume me to no end. Then I would work all day to work past it, and by then the night would come, the night was to me like a fear of the monster in the closet to a child.. You knew NO real fear to worry of, but it could parylize you. I know for so long that Kody was that fear, along with that worry. This anxiety was just holding my life at a stand still, and when you can't explain to others the fear, the heart racing , the sweats, just these feelings that you really can't put into words to others makes it harder..

There has been a few times I have said I would try an explain that later.. 

Strange the way that some days, times, or things in life can just leave such an impact that they just become imprinted in your mind..marking a day you don't forget...

Many times I have mentioned growing up and having this VOID.. Hoping that at times when something was going on I would find that void, and it would make that moment or choice make things clearer. They haven't, NOT even after years of chasing it, and I have chased to fill that void a lot. Besides counseling, I have just made these choices that I can look back an wonder how would that fill it??

The past several months, I wake up and always just feel I am in this life that just keep going round an round. They don't stop and head into another direction or stop for a brake, catch a breath to take it in an really see what needs to change, or plan how I do that, because it runs so fast with no stop.

I am lost, I don't even know where to start with these things anymore.... It is as tho everything just runs together, but I do know that I am tired of feeling so lost and an lonely. It's like when things start to happen it all just happens, the kids , the ex, the partner, family... all of it at once..

My body just wakes me up early am now, which is better then sleeping the day away and feeling horrible I did. Just the pain can get to be to much and then I am just bothered that I woke up to suffer, and the to top it normally it is not the pain that wakes me- it is the anxiety, the heart race, can't breath, worrying feeling. I don't know an can't put my finger on what it is that makes me wake like this everyday. I use to think it was the idea of Kody being homeless and being out in his suv Hot, or alone or worried what he had done last night,and if he even made it back to the suv..it's been over a week now an he has a room to rent, so you would think it would stop the worry, and yes it did the first 2 days...then the weeks of being sober again went right out the window an back to daily binging. Granted I worry least he's in safe place drinking , and heck he has even finally gotten the one rule of respect I have asked..DON'T call or text me once you decide to even buy that one beer. 

It has been over 9 months since I last wrote, and that was never the plan.. I had a goal to write every day, and even if short a little something at night. I wanted to catch for myself, my kids as well as anyone that any part of this could help. The thing is the day that I had waited for, and tried to prepare for Just in so many ways wasn't how I had seen it, none of it felt as I thought it would, and I have just become so very lost. With that my anxiety and depression has taken over so much that in many ways my children have shut down and built walls an in a way become these kids ... I hate to say I can NOT control, and that I do NOT know at all, they are in pain and not just anger with him but with me and that I can't blame them for so I let more go an over look the things I don't know how to help or control.

Today is only day 2 of my offical divorce with Kody. It is has been a long 3 yrs to our seperating, they have full of ups an downs, smiles an tears, and altho we tried to stay friends through it all I have to be honest I believe it has been partial been me still holding on in some way. Making today a vary hard day, because alot of reality has sunk in, besides the pain and hurt that I have been masking — hiding from others and Kody to say that I was ok and that I was strong, in the end of it I think the only one I was really hiding anything from was ME...

I woke up this am, in my daughters bed- who is 10.. not for the first time, I think I have been in here for over 7 months.I have known for a long time that the way I run this house is not how I would really like to run it,but sadly not all choices have been up to me. I am always under minded, and no matter what I am always gone against and it is upsetting because it is not how I think a marriage should be or how parenting should be. I want more family time, and I have always wanted more time as a couple, one who is married, and I never wanted to fail at either one... but the time has come that I realize that I am not failing. I have truly tried to be the best at all things in my life.. wife, mom and friend, and given that one common person has been against me, it has caused me to ( I need to remember the word is NOT failed, because I do NOT feel that I  have failed) distance myself and lose track of where I should have been for some time now..