First Florida Journey....

1st,yes..cause as you will learn I had moved here to start over ,but I don't always make the best choices an then have to try another plan. For the first time since I was 17 I was living on my own, and it felt amazing. I had always been a mom, never went out to clubs, never hooked up with a man I didn't know for the rush of meeting someone an just being wanted, I hadn't even ever stayed out until after 11..Even with my fun filled teen days, we always made sure we left to walk home by then.Once we were settled ,my mom wanted me to get out some an make friends, and I got very lucky, my oldest friend since I was 5- her brother lived right down the street,so we had spent a few nights going out on the 4 wheelers , getting muddy as we could be, drinking an hanging until 1/2:00am then rinsing the machines an us an finally bed by 4, what a rush it was to be living a life like a normal person, and I was feeling on top of the world. I  had this new life in FL, had friends by me, Gracie was loving the beach during the day with me, things were really good.Shortly after, my Aunt who is only 6 months older then me, had hit hard into crack an needed to get clean an my door was always open, and well one night she said lets party like you use to do,just a night for you--we had seen a neighbor guy an his buddy earlier.So I said sure why not, laughing I said "maybe I can get a one night under my belt an see what the hype is , I figured to there was something I felt I was missing since 15, and wanted to fill this void so went with it"...BIG mistake in all ways BUT 1... Moments that you could have seen the ending to, and just thought a little better.

We meet up with the guys, and well not proudly I set out for a one night of fun, but well the nightmare of them all occurred an in the am, I couldn't sit down, and everything hurt down there.... YUP, HERPES!!! I couldn't believe what had just happened..so knowing that NO one would ever want to be with me again, I had to figure out how to keep this guy..I couldn't be alone, or ever look someone in the eye an tell them what had happened an I was damaged. So I did, I got this man to stay with me for several months, and soon I realized "Holly Fxxxx, No way would I ever be able to have another child, if I wasn't gonna be able to get another man", what man when I say hey I have this issue that will make you at times unable to sit right, was gonna stick around???? NONE, I didn't think. So, I let this dirt bag treat me like crap, run through my savings, and even offer to have this baby he didn't want..yup got pregnant,needed to ..later found out while he was using my car to run out it was with some dirt bag married girl back where we use to live ( we had met in the complex I lived in,but right after that night of fun, his baby mama left an didn't renew the lease,so he couldn't stay in complex,so I broke my lease-wasted more savings an we moved into a brand new house,so nice this thug had never seen such a nice place)..The day I found out, I told him I was done with dirt bag losers an I wouldn't let someone ruin mine an Gracies lives along with this new life we were waiting on....He thought I was a joke, until a moving truck pulled up, and a bunch of men jumped out,packed up our 2900 sq ft house in minutes an said you on the other side...I told him get out,left him on the front step way..Gracie an I got in the car,opened the garage, an pulled away slowly waving as the garage door went down an we said good-bye FL, and with my head down in shame drove back to CT, where my younger aunt had a place lined up that she had found online..and we drove for 22 long hours, I kept hoping when I returned I would find that void( I believe I always recalled parts of the day the void started, and one day I will have to explain this day that left me empty, at least I believe it is.. a young girl at a pool happy as ever an left with a moment never answered) so I just kept driving with small thoughts in my head an hopes in my heart but unsure -I  just explained to Gracie we were having another baby ( an oddly her dad had just had a baby the day i found out,so she was starting a new family on both sides) but I left it open with we were going home to be back ear her dad,she was sad in ways go, her cousin had now lived down the road( my aunt got clean an got her kids back an lived few streets over ) but Gracie understood more then I thought she did,she knew the abuse I was dealing with inside.So this man I'll call " cortes" left me HERPES,but with an amazing little boy.. I will call Kaiden!! So home to Ct, we go with a child who I pray will never know what I went through to have him , and finding any love will be even harder now..I wouldn't love me an fight to be with me knowing I had the gift that would keep giving an the idea to ever give someone this horrible thing scared me so bad..Off to another path , wit another loser left behind, and more work and heartace for me to overcome..AM I strong enough that is what i wonder???? Guess we will see..