I know it can be hard to follow along, with a story being told ourselves an no one to lead us in the right direction.. We write when the mood an the time is calling for us to get things out. Some of us use writing as a way to try an control our pain, share our joy or even just control the burst of anxiety that is taking over by the daily task of life.. So our minds are racing faster then we can take the things in, or understand them, or even just when we feel lost and alone..
Many don't get how can someone ever feel alone or not be able to handle the life we have made for ourselves, while thinking that if we are a good person we should have someone to lean to, exspecially if we are married..right?? We should always have a best friend if we are married, and shouldn't be able to feel alone or lost, they will guide us...
Remember, in my last blog I said " I never really believed in marriage until that one moment, and that would be the only way is if I had it all"? I didn't follow my own belief.. I after making that mistake an losing what felt like my heart an soul.. I took a few other paths..* Forgive me so hard to feel I am filling you in,in the right order an the right words,since I had written for a year , heart an soul poured in an the site was wiped clean*..
After letting my fate be chosen an pushed on me, and hurting someone that was my world..I didn't see life the same anymore. All I had seen for Gracie and I was with him and (our) his son.Now I had to pick up the peaces to my life an I had no idea what any of that was gonna be, and I knew I hurt him,cause I was so hurt myself..I didn't think I ever deserved to be loved like that again, and to be honest I didn't believe love like that ever even exsisted. NO one in my family was ever loved like that ,not one that I can look back an think of seeing them just grab the others hand, or put their hand on their back as a term of "I am here"...From the time as far back as I can recall, I recall a lot of abuse, I can't say for any of us kids, cousins, aunts, or anything like that,but the adults — were either with out a man because of abuse or heck I can recall my own mother verbally,emotionally an physically abusing the men in her life( now I can't say if they were verbal with her an pushed her over the top,because she was never physical with me or my sister)..So my plan never included finding love- not that kind of love.
Looking back,as I write I can recall a few great an amazing boys who seemed to have wanted to give me their hearts.Funny, that old friend my bestie who was my everything,use to make jokes about how I could steal a boys heart an dog him-even the ones who could have any girl an didn't play games..and called an asked them as a joke if they'd ever take me back after the heartace I caused an they all said " YES"..I did hurt boys,but remind you I was 13/14/16 and had never seen caring, affection in the right ways, so I was hurtful.
After Gracie an I had packed up an left the women I had been with for some time, we had let the moving truck take us to FL,1300 miles away.. Gracies dad, although NOT a good man to me, he was an amazing person an above all else a dad. The night he knew I was done,we spoke an he vowed to always love me, we were just babies-17&18 having a baby I get it was hard, to give your life to one lady, work an take care of a home ( he had moved out on our for bit- until someone came in the back door trying to buy me, since the place was a house to buy women by the hour), we did finally move in his brother an mother.. His mother was useless as a mom,newly divorced an hitting her own life crisis,so his teen brother had got us a condo to call home, he never questioned taking me an my child/his niece in.. We tried to pull our own, buying food/me cooking/ paying the cable bill an what we could on rent ( cause soon after we came there one of my other best friends became pregnant by my exs buddy who left my friend high an dry with no help/refused to tell his family so they could help-but my brother in law opened his heart an home,knowing I needed her like she need me).Once not together Gracies dad ( first tried to fight me on help) but he always paid me, and he knew I needed to leave an try an build a better life for us( he lived in a family home, by this point it was above his grandma who charged him almost nothing for rent,so he knew the real world was to hard for me) an he knew the abuse he had done to me an felt bad in his own way, an knew now this women was doing it,so he an I had the papers drown an he granted me the ok to leave( maybe inside he hoped I'd fail an come back)....he was right!!!! I made another partial regret move,but with a great reward left behind to it all.. So hold on, we are taking this story 1300 miles, with some highs,lows,smiles,tears an choices/memories that will be hard to face and understand.
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