When I first moved home to CT,and this guy was still in FL ( before Kody sent for him) I had been staying with a friend while I waited for the moving company to bring my things, and during that time it gave me alittle time to try an take in that I was about to alone. .During that time." Mr 23" and I had touched base, started texting and before long spending some of our old time together, and I had missed him so much..
When I had first moved to Fl, his aunt had taken the phone during one of our calls an offered to send him to me in FL, but I had already been damaged by that one night stand nightmare, and was afraid to let him leave home- not just because of the mess my life was in an didn't know if he would still love me,but worried of the battle he was still facing with his sons mother( they never had anything legalized his sons mother just left their son with him, an if he didn't rock the boat he kept him,but I was worried if he came to me she would fight for their son an that was an always has been his world.. remind you his love as a dad is what stole my heart). I declined, and I knew at that exact moment what a mistake it was, but I was afraid of being rejected,if I had agreed I would have to tell him the nightmare I had made of my life so fast.
Then a few months later, I was only a few week pregnant I had gone home for a wedding, and the minute that plane landed I ran as fast as I could to his aunts hoping to find him..she called an told him to come their was a surprise, and even then he lit up, and I melted..We made out in the car, and reminded each other of our love, and of course of the hurt I had cause him, and I left with tears...I had hope so badly he just would have asked me to stay with him an not go home, but he never did.Then we didn't speak for several months, but there wasn't a day that he didn't cross my mind..
So when I returned home several months pregnant, and we had reconnected, time had seemed as tho non had passed us, at least for me. I would wake up super early to drive up 25 min to get him to drive him 10 min down the street to work, and then I'd go back to where I was staying , until I would leave in enough time to get to his place where his brother would let me in, an I would clean up a little an prep dinner for them, and then leave to get him from work, so when he got home we could eat together an just cuddle.. Gracie? She was with her dad, since where I was-was to small, and it was only for a short time an it being summer it was his time anyway ( we were still on our FL/CT agreement where he would have her the summer- but this was just giving me time to get back, an set us up). Given my nightmare , we had to be careful, I was still learning when this issue could be passed an I couldn't live knowing if I had ever passed it to someone I loved so much, but it was almost as tho it didn't phase him, he still held me an made love to me with his whole heart, maybe he felt I wasn't since I was so worried, it is all I could think of most of the time. I still had hoped that we were back on track to our family we once both so much wanted, the cooking together, playing with the kids before bed, and just everything that was what we both wanted .I'm really not so sure when things for him changed, I really didn't see it,but I could respect it( deep down I think I thought our love was stronger).
But one night we had gone on a date night, to my favorite Friendlys I will never forget the night or each word.. We sat in one booth, and our little Gracie an his son in the one behind us eatting their sundaes..as we sat there he kept looking at my belly..He reminded me how sexy I was, and how much he loved me, but he couldn't see our family being more then the 2 we had an us, he didn't want anymore. He couldn't take on a child that would one day know he wasn't his father,even tho he would have loved knowing he cared an loved him more then that loser, and he was sure with that aside he just didn't want anymore then us 4, and I had to respect that.It hurt bad..heck I had thought the nightmare issue would have been the breaker of it all. I drove them home, and when he got out he said " you should know now I may have met someone- I didn't think you'd ever be home"... so now I was hurt, which one was it??? Or was it that he met someone an because I was pregnant it fave her a better shot??
Well I had lost him.. During this time, I had moved into my new place, and Kody had flew the loser out to me,but here an there I would talk to the one I wanted, finding out that he thought he was in love.. Once I had left the loser in Mass, when my son was not even 24 hrs old ( in CT I had gone , gave birth an was home in 16 hours) I had called Kody to tell him how bad the idea was, and that he was gone an that I had just given birth..Kody came the next day to see Kaiden an I..He took one look at Kaiden an said this child will never know what a loser helped make him, he will never know he was rejected ( twice at that point) an he said " I will be his dad", and I said you don't love me, and he said I love you enough as my longest friend to make sure you an this child have everything, and we agreed to co-parent ,but not be together. I had known he was seeing someone an I think he knew my heart was someone where else. In time, he was such an amazing dad, coming home from Rhode Island to us every friday night, a drive that was almost 3 hours long after along day of work.All to be with a child, he had called an told his whole family him an his secert GF had just had, and yet we were not together. He did this for a few months until finally watching him rock my son, an hold him all hours into the night to just smell his head an feed him an be with him, had made me think this could be anew side of Kody I never knew, and together we decided to give being a family a shot.I believe by now I knew the man who never wanted kids , was having more, as well as he had -had one he signed over rights to( shocked me with the dad he was). So this where I had seen one door close, an one I had to except it was out of my hands, the man I loved had moved on an I needed to start trying or let my son grow up wondering why no one wanted him. Kody , knew of this issue the loser left me with an he said from the day he knew.."One day you will find someone and IF they really love you they won't care", and Kody never talked of it and it was like a mistake a never had to rethink of ( of course in my head I did-scared every time I would pass it,but he never seemed worried,he just said well I don't plan to go anywhere I am here just as long as that is, forever ), and I figured who else would love me like that to not care,but I was sooooo careful..until Kody wanted more kids an kids of ours together. I only wish I knew then or thought of then like both men had ( what if one day this kid didn't see them as dad,BUT what if one day this man didn't see this child as their kid???) ..so what happens before that day came??? SO MUCH... #1 being , the other guy moved way on, stopped talking to me, had another 2 kids, got engaged not married tho and 11 + years later there is very little chat with a few birthday wishes an bad day barney wishes in between...but the rest goes on.. with a big void in my heart..
** I have been living by my moto of L.U.M.U ** Love Unconditonally memories ( will be built& never) Unforgeotten an that is how I normally try to end these,but I had lost hope in that for sometime..until today again, when I believe my angel above sent me a reminder of my strength an why my moto even was made.
So as the story goes on, and I find me Live life and L.U.M.U forever
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