Baby Kaiden....

Kody an I decided a few months into Kaiden being born, that he would be his father,even if we weren't together as a family, and as I had said- he was showing so much dedication to our son, and I really thought this man who never wanted kids or  even a commitment of any kind was just blowing me out of the water with such dedication and love. It was amazing to have someone I knew so well want to help me..but I knew he didn't love me, and I still didn't know anything about the day at the pool, if it was a void made up or real, I had never gotten to respond, but had I maybe this would have been going another way...I had since the time I was 18 an Gracie was born to have a family. I knew when I became pregnant with my little joy that my plan was always to be with just my children an myself,until Kody came along an insisted we try to be a family, an let him show me what a family we could be- an that he wanted it. He said that baby Kaiden had stolen his heart, an realized at his age he wasn't getting any younger an it was time to grow up. Not gonna lie, I was excited to think I was going to finally give Gracie a real family...

Her dad an I tried,but we were young. I will never excuse his abuse, but in ways I can understand the stress of being 17 an the world being on your shoulders an watching/waiting for you to fail. I always knew in my heart that being with just me physically would one day begin to ware him down, becoming curious of other women would day cross his mind. YES !!!!! he had been with other girls, even before the ones that were behind my back,but not enough to be satisfied to not wonder or stroll off. He didn't understand commitment at that age. I know he had always had a short fuse, so I don't think the abuse was on stress but I don't think it helped deal with it any. I think the choking me-until my last breath was almost to its end was almost like him feeling he was backed against the wall with anger an lost. Sadly tho, I feared for my life so many times, an the fact that he didn't care who seen him abuse me scared me even more. Leaving me no choice but to leave after 5 years abuse, my soul couldn't take anymore, and Gracie needed to me a little girl who could play outside,make friends an having this new chance at a family life was a dream we both needed to work..

So Kody an I decided a few months after Kaiden was born that we were gonna take off an move to FL ( this was now the 2nd attempt) so that we could try an rebuild away from any negative from others... People seeing Kody an I together made a lot of talk by others an a lot of challenges. He knew to many people to get into trouble with an I knew a lot, and they all knew us by our past an didn't see any good of that mixed — meaning that since we both had so many exs around it was only  a matter of time until trouble accord ( before we left we already had trouble with some girl he use to hook up with , he called her Krazy Kate, and I had caught them planning to meet up sometime...he claimed it was that he had once left some jeans at her place.. well knowing Kody he is way to OCD to have ever left anything behind like that, and worse again- he was another planning to use my car to do this- an when speaking to her she laughed at me saying" he said it is not his kid ** which was funny cause he was telling his own family this child was his own flesh an blood, so why different with her** an he told her he was just helping me cause I was an old high school friend, and that hurt bad)..so another move back was a good choice, and my mom had gotten us a house right next door to her so she could help me.We had made the move a few months  just before Kaiden turned one.

The beginning of us in our new place was great, I had found a nanny job fairly quickly , and Kody stayed home with Kaiden. During the day they would go outside an mow the lawn together -Kaiden had a fake little mower an would follow dad around with it, SOO cute!! They started building a walk way together, and Kaiden would pretend to use the level to help.. We would cook out many nights through the week, and it was a few months in an out of no where this whole new side of Kody began to show through...

Shortly after Kaiden turned one we found out that we would be expecting one of our own, and I was so excited ...this new baby would be due same time as my sisters first baby.It wasn't long tho until I found myself in this pain I could not explain,as I sat on the toilet crying , Kaiden was pulling on me wanting his lunch, and Kody was so hung over he wouldn't get up an help..I kept yelling "I'm losing our baby help me"!!! He just said there wasn't much he could do.. Very saddened I layed in bed for a few days, then had to get back to work. Weeks later, pregnant again..I was nervous as could be. Things seemed well, I went to the Dr. an they said I was doing well an the baby was due Mid August,but weeks later pain,cramps an sooo much blood, losing another child was something I didn't know if I could handle , and the Dr. said come in, in about 3 weeks for test..When I did — GUESSS WHAT?? I was once again pregnant , wasn't sure how..we had barely been intimate,but the test showed positive, the Dr. wanted to check me again make sure I was doing alright, and things still said pregnant an I was feeling ok... 

During this time, the place we had been renting was about to be forclosed, and only choice was once again to head back to CT, an stay with family until we could find a place.Didn't take long an we were back on our feet. Which was a good thing cause this baby was due in September. August rolled around an our little Kaiden was getting ready to turn 2, we celebrated his birthday with daddy getting him hooked on lobster lol ( he had done the same for his 1st, 1 yr — 1 lb lobster, so 2 was gonna be celebrated with a 2 lb, and it was cute watching him dig into this big lobster). Two days after his second birthday, woke up for my bi-weekly check up for the little one, and well the DR. was like what are you doing here??? My answer was simple..It is my bi- weekly check up, and they laughed "NOOOOOOO, you are 7 cm an ready to deliver this kid"!!! They wanted me to check into the hospital right then,but I explained I have 2 kids home, an the only car for my kids dad to get here, and my sitter needs to get my other kids. I begged they let me just go get my kids dad, and since I lived right at the bottom of the hill, they said " you need to hurry an promise to get right back here", and I explained I would be back in just minutes- I felt great..so when I got home the sitter was there my best friend for the other kids, and as Kody ran around in such panic I jumped in the shower- did't wanna be dirty with DR in my junk lol, and of course  I needed my make up fresh had to feel pretty lol.. We returned to the hospital, and I was right at 9 an ready to push...took a few minutes an out came little Carter ( aka Kody Jr).. exactly 2yrs ,2 days & 2 hours after Kaidens birthday.. Weirdest thing ever...he was born on the date of the baby we had lost last. The Dr. believed that what had happened ( since Cater always measured in a little bigger then dates) was that Carter was a TWIN, and that we had lost one. He was so cute , he was our little Benjamin Button , just like a little old man! As days went on, Kaiden an Kody bonded so much with Thomas the Train, it was amazing to see how much he loved him..looking back , I think he was avoiding helping me with the smallest one.

Just a little over 8 months later...PREGNANT...Yes again!!! I was so scared,because at this point Kody was drinking much heavier then normal, and becoming very anger each time, and then daily he was just becoming more emotionally angry with me, or resentful might be the right word. I had made the choice I could NOT have this child but during that time, the snow had hit so bad, I couldn't find anyone willing to drive me to the DR, and I wasn't telling Kody that I was planning to not keep this child,but seems god works his wonders..because by the odd snow storm, an no one taking me soon it was to late an it was time to except another child was coming very soon..So soon her an little Carter would be what is known as "Irish Twins", and as they have grown they really are like twins.

By the time that our little Payton had turned the big 1, Kody had not been working for a period of time long enough that we were about to lose our home and I was tired of bailing us out,so I let it all go, and only choice was to move in with my mom.. in good old -YUP FL...AGAIN, now my 3rd time. Kody didn't come with use when the kids an I left. He was so hung over, that he actually refused to to even take us to the airport an we almost missed our flight,but luckly an old friend came to the rescue and off to FL the kids an I flew alone..Luckly Gracie was big enough at this point or I never would have gotten us through the airport..Me, with 4 kids , 3 car seats an about 8 duffle bags * 2 each we were aloud** it was such a mess but Gracie really helped me. Kody called us 2 days later an expected me to send him money to get to us** he insisted on driving his car, an full of all his things an tools but the kids an I only got our small bags, he wouldn't even bring me my meds I needed , said no room an wasn't driving with something with out his name on it**..I didn't send it,he had to work with family an make it to come about a week after us.

Funny thing is here we are still in FL now 8 yrs later , and I have been out of work ** an I will fill you in more on that soon,but it is medical&& an he throws it in my face an won't help me with any bills but I did it back home for years**..