Who is really the monster behind the door???

** Here is a story ( where that resentment just began) with a true nightmare, the story of a night I lost me, my best friend & grew resentment for a man I would one day marry , all while learning at a young age of who is really your friend in a very hard way- the way we pray others not live...

I was 14 yrs old, and probably breaking every rule a teen could, learning why those rules were ever made.. I had a few months back some how broken up with a boy ( we'll call him Mik)who I truly "loved" " first love kind of love"& I was trying to heal an cover up the pain by dating Kody an party when I could . So on this night To start #1 — I was hanging out at a friends house with a NO parents, #2 — We were drinking , which of course was illegal, #3 — I was having hanging with my new boyfriend ( yes Kody, the man who is now my husband , no we didn't date since then, we just stayed in touch for many years) , and so much more, but the worse part was the nightmare that mixture would make.. Oddly celebrating Halloween along with Kodys birthday, and we know how scary Halloween can be,but this night was more scary then any 14 yr old could have been prepared for.

This is how the phrase " IF only I knew then what I do now" was made.. I was 14 on the night of Saturday October 23, 1993, when I decided to go to my friend Rachels house, drink with my friends an celebrate Kodys birthday. It wasn't long after being there a bunch of our friends had showed up, and we popped open a bottle of goldslogger — I remember that bottle so clear because we watched our buddy , who we called 1/2 pint ( yes because he was a small boy) finish off the bottle -right down to getting a straw to suck out the gold chips that rest at the bottom of the bottle, and when he was done we watched him roll on the floor. While the rest for a good laugh, Kody an I snuck off up stairs to Rachels room to have sex. After, I remember thinking it was nice feeling cared for after losing Mike, and feeling safe with him( he was known as a bit of muscle type guy but that wasn't the only reason I felt safe with him** probably should have been but even that soon wouldn't have fallen to be true).. Never realized how fast so much could change.... actually less then minutes!!! After Kody an I had gone back to hang with everyone else , I just wanted to sit there an be held longer,but he was never much of a talker, but I at times wonder " what if we had just 5 min would everyone have been doing something else??? 

We had walked down the stairs, were the laundry room was dead ahead of us, and for some reason a bunch of people were in there laughing, so of course we went in to blend in an not to have seemed gone. Shortly after, one by one we all started to exit, at the end was 1/2 then me...right as I went to go exit, 1/2 pint put his arm out to block me from the door- and slammed the door , at first I thought he was just joking around,or at least Kody would bang on it wondering why we were alone- seemed reasonable, I was his girlfriend now in a room alone with another male...right?? WRONG!! Within just seconds some how as small as 1/2 pint was ( an at the time I was heavier/chunky an def.known to being able to hold my own ** they actually called me ROCKY cause I would kick some butt when I didn't like something) he had me pinned to the floor,still unsure how it even happened to be honest, but as strong as I was , this strength cover him--this look in eyes had just become so blank,it was as tho the pulps were gone an he wasn't in there..and since at this point he was straddled over me, his knees holding my arms down so I couldn't push him off me, I kept trying to wiggle to get free ,but it was as tho he had gained all this weight with this strength he was using- and I was becoming weak. I tried to get my legs to knee him from behind hoping he would lose balance ...but he had been using his legs to push mine as far open as he could at this point, and NOW  I am screaming as loud as I could " HELP"... I couldn't understand this small boy kneeling over me- knees pinning my arms, his legs behind him& between my legs pushing them so far open, and has he shoved his penis into me( I know the position of all this sounds " as how the heck- but it was very much this way by what had become a deman),I'm just yelling an yelling ,crying,praying to be heard or that Kody would wonder where I had gone.. Soon my mouth was covered,but my tears would soak his hand, and he'd need to wipe them giving me a chance to yell again..Soon I heard foot steps outside the door,I prayed it would open..it did,it was Kody,"thank god " I thought, but as I yelled " HELP"..... You can never imagine, next. Kody -SHUT THE DOOR, he left me there...1/2 pints eyes had gone pure white,no pupil at all..I couldn't tell you long it went on...BEFORE , Kody reopened the door with one of our good friends Mark, I was thinking "Thank god,Kody had gone to get help, they are gonna each grab an arm an tear him off me", but as Mark tried to lunge forward to help- Kody put his arm over Mark, while using his other arm to close the door once again, this time the feet outside the door had just gone black, no one behind the other side any more..I still tried fighting,finally he climbed of me, and I ran out the door. Screaming, the mother Fxxer just " RAPED me, I kept saying no"!! it wasn't even my so called boyfriend Kody even then that had pinned him to the couch whooping on him,it was Mark an a few other friends who knew nothing until Mark verified" saying what is wrong with you"?? I kept hearing , as Rachel yelled everyone out as she helped me upstairs, calling the hospital to see what we do,but as they said "NO shower" I was in the shower..I couldn't sleep that night,but Rachel stayed up holding me like a good friend ( you would never know as close as we were, she is why I was called ROCKY,cause I would beat her up almost daily,but after each one we were always ok an oddly we would hang out during our school suspensions).

 The next am I went back home, showered again an again,climbed in bed , and by then half the school was talking about me & an not just 1/2 pint aka the 7th grade English teachers son who was my teacher oddly BUT about how he not only after the beating from the guys at Rachels ,but how on the way home ** an with Kody there** bragged how he got to hit it &&& HE HAD JUMPED A PLANE over night. Kody never once stood up for me. Shortly after getting into my own bed an scared to close my eyes -as it would all replay,my phone rang ( back then teen generally had their own lines** NO cells back then lol** an no surprise — it was NOT Kody my so called boyfriend checking on me, it was Mark, he had called to say he was coming over, and when he did , he calmly said " I know you don't wanna talk about it( we were never close he use to tease me about my speech issue **my Rs sounds like Ws lol) but i'm sorry he wouldn't let me help" an he is theo ne who told me all who had been talking about me an how 1/2 pint was gone-so I could rest..he then sat on the floor beside my bed, rubbing my head- telling me would be there as long as needed to just rest..I finally fell asleep, and felt safe,like I should have with Kody, at this point still no call from him either..I think I had woken late into the night , and Mark was still sitting in the same spot..At this point I had't told my mom,but she most have known something was off and had let Mark stay , school was a few hours away ( oddly it was also Kodys birthday) but I wasn't getting up and  when I woke again mid-day, YUP -Mark was still rubbing my head saying take your time an I will be here while we talk to your mom, and he did, he stayed an told her it all,she cried then thanked Mark for being there for me.

I slept a little more, then the 3 of us that night went to the Police station so I called make a report. Remind you this was Kodys Birthday, an of course the officer who would have taken the report-just so happen to be Kodys gaurdian since his mother had passed the year before, and he was off celebrating Kodys birthday. The station offered to pager him in, but I knew then that Kody would have come too,an have ruined his dinner. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what he would say , do to us under age drinking his gaurdian a cop, and us under age sex..an I knew if I went to push charges I was scared to see 1/2 pint again..at the time NO one knew where he went,to this day I don't think many due...BUT remember I was once his best friend an I had remembered something several years later ,when I had a family an moved to FL.. 1/2 pint an I once spoke of a place that grew familiar.. FL!

YES, Florida...were I too now live, and only miles apart. Kody has never spoken of that day, and I have tried not to with him,because I still become very angry, maybe I am wrong,but I am just as angry at him as I am 1/2 pint..I believe an feel just as violated by both, one for doing it an one who mine as well have, he didn't stop it an didn't let anyone else either. For the next 23 + years ,every Oct.23 Mark would check in with me , an I would thank him for always being there, that day , that  month after ( cause it was almost that before we returned to school an he was beside me everyday an the moment I reentered school doors) an every year knowing I would replay that day, and the hurt of those who turned on me,or wasn't there, didn't believe me ** altho if I was the liar why was I not on a plane , and even NOW has never returned home*..sadly 2 years ago Mark passed away. 

I have since tried as he once suggested I google him ( now that times have changed an we have all these ways to call/find /reach people) an then write him, hope for answers or closure. I didn't tell Kody the first few years we lived here in FL that I knew 1/2 pint did, or that I had reached out ea Oct. since... for the exact reason why as it had when I did..100 questions an accusations of me wanting him in some weird way,BUT still never taking blame for his own part,never a sorry, and worse Kody claims to have once been a victim himself( but he got closure , he got confirmation from his attacker that he wasn't crazy( an was 21 a grown man at the time I was a little girl who till never has gotten that).. and for this is another reason I find myself angry with Kody,even now he doesn't protect me or feel I deserve closure or peace of mind in anyway..not even from him help with the closure to say you aren't crazy this did happen as you remember..

Because of that I find him more selfish, an my resentment grows with each verbal attack he throws at me.As tho he hasn't hurt me enough , he finds it needs to continue, an I believe each time he knows I'm writing,or hurting in Oct. wishing for my closure, he is hoping I don't receive what he believe I do not deserve. As he once I made one statement besides me wanting more from my reaching out... " I left you there because you got what you deserved"....

So, who is really the monster??? They both left me a victim of that night,but one left never to hear from again, an the other claimed to have love me then, that I was their friend & continues to not to have loved me to marry me but to then tourcher me of that day- while making sure to try an keep me /deny me closure???? Shouldn't he love me enough to want to make right now, and help me get it,so heal?? NOT keep replaying the nightmare..I know who the monster is...DO you?? SO the resentment grows with the abuse of it all...

****R.I.P Mark ,Thank you for always being there when I needed you an never turning your back in the darkest of times ,even tho we weren't the closest, you knew right from wrong, and did the right thing for me, reguardless of what others said or thought, you never doubted me an never let me doubt for one min of myself. You reminded ,month after month then year after year, that I was more then what happened to me,an more then how others seen me, and I never deserved it, and you kept me alive longer then you know.Without you,I wouldn;t have found my way back to me, having my daughter years later, who without her I wouldn't have my grandbabies , and because of you I was here long enough to be blessed another 3 times,even if 2 by a monster they are equally my joys because you seen in me what I couldn't see I had been strong enough to not let either of them steal from me...my strength an will power..thank you for showing me I still had it..I  love you. R.I.P