Lost in Resentment...

For the most part of my life, I feel I have prioritized so many things over my happiness,or even finding it to repair it. I have known for many years that I have not been happy,but very lost how to fix it. There are times when I fill my days with ways to make family,friends an even strangers happy, making list of ways to make my family happy- my husband mainly but deep down I know I can't an won't make the goal... The harder I try, the harder I always fail, and not sure what one hurts more, the fact that I tried or that I failed...

I think I get hurt that I tried for someone who I know doesn't love me, an that is why I always fail. It use to hurt that I couldn't get what he wanted right, that I sucked at understanding what it took to make him happy. With time I realized, I only kept failing because he didn't even like me to like the things that I was doing, and that is what started to hurt- the idea that I was still trying so hard for someone who didn't even like me,but that I was trying for someone who had once betrade me in away you can never repair, away someone should never had been forgiven for something, and showing me then the value I held in his eyes,but I d0 & keep trying with all I have.....WHY??

I have never been someone he cared for even as a friend, I think after holding for so long in secert what he had once done to me was because I was ashamed and hurt in different ways.I was hurt by what he had done, an ashamed I acted like it never happened an even thought that after the "Trash" he seen me as then, I could get him to care about me not just "our son".Hurt knowing , he wouldn't an that is why everything I try is not now or ever going to be enough. Ashamed, I believe after letting myself lose what I did for hurting someone else, this was my pay back- as tho "HIS HURT " was not enough pain an pay back,no matter how long before it was.

No matter how hard I keep trying to be all he wants, an the one he loves.. Knowing an seeing how much he hates me — can I live with always trying an not being enough?? Do I even want to be enough?? Really, after all he did to me then, an is doing to me now I wonder if I "RESENT" him in alot of ways.. Resenting him for what he did back then should have shown me I would never change in his eyes, Resenting him for telling me "it was my fault" "that I deserved it" , I resent him for not protecting me then an I resent him for not being who I need or deserve now an I resent him for not wanting to be any of it. I guess at times,yes I may not always be the kindest but I realize now it is because I have been resenting him for much longer then I even realized an at times, when his lack of respect shines I let it shine back. WHEN IS IT THAT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN??? That I can tell you next...an it is a shame I even aloud another day of even friendship to take place after that...

Until then Live By L.U.M.U *** Love Unconditionally Memories ( will be built & never ) Unforgotten