Where am I really going???

 I know it has been a while since I sat down to write, but I just didn't even know where to begin anymore. I know there is so much I have to fill in between "the monster" an "The resentment" but I don't even know how to sit an write it.. My days have all seemed to have gotten longer an more lost. I have said the vow I took was serious to me, exspecialy because when I seen marriage this example that I am living is not what I seen for me..Don't get me wrong, I know NO one has a perfect marriage,but I do know that people have marriages full of love an happiness, and the desire like me to live up to their vow of being their best them an making sure they always brought out the best of their partner, and that is all I have wanted.

I know I wrote in the past about how I NEVER saw myself married.. here is alittle secret it wasn't just because of the life I was raised in..watching men crap on my mom an my mom never left- she was the abuser ( which was weird to see her that way,she had never touched me or my sister with her hands or her words) but we watched it with men a lot. I knew then it wasn't ever love for any of them, so I never had the adult example of "LOVE"... 

I was I would like to think blessed with some really great male friends in my teen years. They all loved me , and I do NOT mean loved me as in "IN LOVE", they just were amazing friends an respected me, and protected me as much as they could. They let me know I was worth more then the example of my home life. The truth to not wanting to ever be married actually happened before " 23" ** where I had actually thought I was ready to let the secret wall down**...

The wall was built in April 1993, and sometimes I wonder if it was that wall that lead me to that horrible nightmare** because I just didn't care about myself for along time or even what happened to me, and thought after that April I wasn't worth much,and after def. didn't see ever being worth more then the bad choices I would make. I was about 14, and I was dating this boy who I decided to call " Mike"no matter the fact that I seen him daily, I would get these butterflies in my stomach. I know, what could we know at the age right?? With him I always felt like I was on top of the world. He really was my best friend, we would walk home a lot together or I'd walk there if he didn't walk with the group we were with, he was very private,but he would always light up to see me. Like I said I had really good friends, but he wasn't the normal friend, we just wanted to always be holding hands-even if just hanging out watching Tv, and it could be just a smile an his bright eyes-he really had these amazing eyes that lit up an I knew he really enjoyed being with me....well at least I felt in my heart he really did.We could sit up on the phone for hours an talk after I left his house, or page ** yes pagers back then **me these cute codes ( back then you used the number to the letter you wanted an we had to decode lol)..a few months into dating we had decided we were going to start being intimate. This was not normal crazy hormones acting out. It was a deep connection!! ( let me just tell you too, it was so deep of a connection that I never could believe that I was his first, an that is how I knew although young it was that "First Love" "Connection" "Real thing".. Even tho I was young, I am not sure if I believed that we would last through our teens an on, because he was so smart I thought he would end up off at collage an me home waiting-drifting, but that he would come back for me. I just seen it US.. Ask me now how it ended? I could never tell you... and here we are 26 yrs later and I have gone back over an over replied more then anyone could understand why if they knew. I have wondered if he has ever wondered, or if he remembered me at all,even if it was in my head these thoughts of us....So when it ended, I knew I would never find someone who could have my heart like that.. I vowed then if he never came back for me or someone couldn't look at me or hold my hand an make me feel that butterfly feeling they wouldn't be worth the wife I wanted to me to someone an give them everything he made me see you should give someone you truly loved like that.

During the next several months I didn't wanna think of dating at all, I was lost for some time... So I just hung with the great group of friends I had once thought I had.. In that time, about 4 months after we broke up, is the night I trusted Kody to care for me, and he lead me into the night that would soon change me for life. The strong girl who never took crap, never aloud a man to treat me in a way that was not 300% I walked away-ok that we were still friends , I was not gonna except 1% less then "Mike" gave me, made me believe I was worth..she was gone that night, and I knew the other boy would never come back an that hurt more then those who had hurt me that night..

Years passed.. In which time an abusive boy who would beat me an tear me down taking away every belief I was once given and keeping the nightmare I still wonder kept him from coming back for me. Lol call me crazy , yeah we were kids but I see his eyes look into mine, I felt him hold me an I believed he loved me even at 14.. but after one rapped me, another left me there to suffer an now this one beat me like garbage an with his child.. I took my child an soon left, believing all the good an strong was gone.. Until "23" god sent me an older version of the boy who once loved me although it wasn't him, he too made me believe I was worth loving an one day being someones ALL to give all of myself to,spend my days making happy an just smiling together, bring out the best of ourselves out while bringing out the others best too..

I was taken control of my a women I thought was my friend trying to help, and she made sure like my daughters father, an the monsters of the nightmare- I believed was worth nothing, and I couldn't let him make the mistake of being stuck with a monster like me.. Oddly when she knew my heart still wondered of the young boy at 14** she was his best friend** she made sure I knew I was only a teen experiment an made sure I never reached out.. BUT something no one knows I did .. a few times  around 24-26ish I called the last number I knew she had for him, and his mom answered..I left a message but I don't think she ever really liked me, I know his brother didn't * once said I looked like the family dog hoping he'd lose interest..he didn't, but I don't think he ever knew I called... I know my then girlfriend aka his best friend by then was another monster of abuse.. and I knew I was about to leave the state an I wanted to at least try, and say bye always feeling such a wedge for some reason built by other for us, but I couldn't be sure if he got the message so I gave up, I loaded the boxes- as I reread the letters he once had given me an I left soon after . I still had hope he would get the message an find me(**secertly I had hoped he would find because the bright blue eyed pool friend I knew wouldn't to much time had passed to ever still be a thought and that was if the thought I had spent years believing in at this point may not have even been a thing besides something only I had thought was),by then I was 1300 miles away but then 1 child I would have driven back home so fast. 

Years of regret an poor choices have come an gone,but never have I stopped wondering. As we know I am married an I am trying so hard to fight this war alone, but I am tired, and I don't think I want to keep giving to someone who doesn't see or care that I am trying so hard an begs me to give up.

I recently seen the past was getting married,and I can't lie I am so happy but if you knew him at even 14 you knew his heart was so genuine that he would never waste time on someone not worth his all, and like me he wanted to give his all. SO yes it brought tears to my eyes to know with joy that he found the one he knew would give all he would... I reached out because if I didn't try an say a few things I had always wanted to before& not ok if he was married ( yes I am too,but it is one sided an I believe we our both at a point we just don't know where to go but we know its to far to fix ).Not for a second did I think he would answer...he did!! In the end I am glad I didn't have to ask he made sure I knew I am worth more now then he seen then an worth more then I am excepting .

After these chats, I reached out to one of my best friends of 35 years, and she has never judge me, and she felt as I cried so bad she wasn't here with me, and she said a few things that I already knew but she said it in ways that hit me so true an things he had told me while we talked. I need to be happy within myself now without trying to be what someone else wants they have to love me with the me I am happy with...I don't know how to get there? I have been trying. Funny thing is when your young you truly believe these people are your friends an yet later you see they are never there later when you need, but the fact he answered an let me know I was never crazy felt amazing, an the fact that she is always there is priceless.

Not gonna lie.. I have missed him lately alot,but I am happy for him. I have realized tho while holding onto someone who has never loved me or even liked me** saying he left me there to be rapped cause I deserved it** I am wasting the good me on someone who doesn't even want  it or ever has. So if I don't start figuring this out now ... someone who is worth all I wanna give can pass me by again an ill be left where I never tried to leave so it will be all wonders..no adventures of life an happiness or living cause this is not living..

SO many say when I find god, things will change an I will find my streghth again..so tomorrow I will start looking for the happy younger me who is dying to get out an not be locked in the dark hot chamber anymore... let's see how it goes!!

*** Meantime I will continue soon where I left off an got from there to here, an so lost, an hopfully up to finding me!