Who Am I ????

 have become a women who is ashamed of who I am. As I sit here writing, I am in the corner of my little girls room, replaying the day, and I am so lost not just how I got here as a person or mom, but this isn't me.. I was once really fun, an outgoing , an laughed an smiled, who really enjoyed life, and the people who were a part of it all. I don't even remember the last time I sat an had dinner with my mom- Moms can see through all, and I can't answer anymore truth about my life. Exspecially since I have decided after 9 years... I am going home for a short weekend. I need time to get away, think, clear my head an just step out of this craziness my life has become, and with that my kids will be left with my uncle who will help the kids forget for just a minute this life..I am so lost... 

I don't sleep in my own bed, I can't really tell you how long it has been to be honest. In all reality, my name has been changed, and my life is someone else's but " It is NOT marriage".. he is on what his 3rd wedding band. #1 went down the ship toilet on honeymoon, #2 was thrown out the car door moving at 70 mph on the way home from a family night out,because I didn't stop for more beer an spoke how I felt about it, and #3 pretty much spends its time in the tool box, because I do NOT deserve to display him as married.. MINE, has never come off- marriage is supposed to be serious, no matter how hard the times... an I have truly been trying that for 5 years,but I am laughed at by him- how stupid I look holding onto mine.

Well like most mornings, I woke up to a tap on my head- knocking my head of the pillow being told to get up ( right now little harder to get up, I just had a back procedure an the house is boarded up since we had just wanted for a hurricane), but he had just gotten up to an all the kids where not up yet...He wanted his coffee done, but he forgets I always reprep an set the timer after he leaves each am for work, so it is always ready. Then the list of down talking me, and making sure we went through the am list of what crap I am started.. I asked, do we really have to start this as a good morning?? I want the marriage where, I start the coffee, make it for him, sit an talk with the morning news he likes to hear, and maybe decide what we can do with the kids since it is the weekend and all.

*My tire was flat: Dam can't you see your car fully represents who you are, from the outside... and it's shit an looks like it.* He wanted to drive 45 min away for something, so I asked he go put gas in it... He got so angry saying "Can't you pay for anything do you always need someone to take care of you"? Actually YES.. I can, but if he isn't gonna help me with insurance for a car we all use an he uses, just because my name is on it...I don't feel if he made $1500 more then me this week that I should pay for gas for his trip to buy unneeded weight bench.* Do you know why you are useless to us all, and you owe me this trip out there to get this??? Because you can't take care of yourself an the best part is your stuck in this until you find someone else who will Fxx your used up roast beef and take care of you. * Besides that have you have you seen yourself lately in a mirror , have you seen how fat you have gotten, who is gonna want your useless fat jiggly self?? ** You think that because you spray the counters an wipe them, run a vacuum a few times a day an was a few dishes ,dust an scrub a bathroom daily that your really cleaning?? You can't even do those things right.... Mean time I have never had someone say a negative thing about my house except how clean I keep it, with a job an 3 kids an the time I spend with the kids at school an helping others who need the help during the week(**as well I clean houses on the weekends& always told how amazing they look even compaired to when they used a professional service).... I try so hard to not cry but how can I not? He just sits by my feet  laughing that I can't sleep in my room, an reminding me that I need to not ever forget how much he hates me an how NO one who  gets to know me will ever want me. Some of what he says to me is so bad, that I have to try an hum so I can't hear it anymore.

My daughter the other day, when he walked away said "Mom, when you get your strongness back soon, I hope you know someone is going to love you so much an love being loved by you so don't give up, because this is a learning curve ..this is gonna teach you how to stay strong ,because only someone who is strong could keep doing what you do for us an let him get away with this.... an mom, he is gonna be the one sorry when he sees your strength an that he didn't really take it.. i think your faking mom, it's in there".. an that is from my  little girl..

Funny she said that, because next day one of the kids new friends told us about how his parents are seperating after 14 yrs, and she is the one who I am working to find god an strength, along with going back to counseling an finding a womens group to relate to on all this, and when I reached out to tell her I am here, an that I relate fully... she wrote to be how hard it is but soon I will find the strength that he is thinking I am letting him take, and when I find it again, he will be sorry an see what a great thing he lost.. then we laughed , they won't see it , but they will miss having someone to walk all over an use as a punching bag, but a weight will be lifted from us.IT will feel amazing knowing we tried, we fought, we hung on, we took the abuse, we prayed,and we not only stick to OUR vows the best we could but that we gave our all an they gave nothing BUT ABUSE.. verbal an emotional is worse then any physical I have ever had by far.

It is sad that I always say , I would rather just take another beating in the pass -rather then here how he'd never lay a hand on me* I'd really rather just a quick beating each time...the broozes go away, this emotional mental bashing just replays an replays. I think back to the long years with Gracies dad, the cheating the beatings etc and the slaps,kicks, chocking -just the hitting they are faded an hard to really recall in detail most of them. It is because you can block the moment out an you heal from the marks that his hands or the wall left on you, but using words you can't just block those out they stick. The person doing it has to really think about what they are saying, they are using things they know about you or how you feel to HURT you. They really take the time to know what will hurt, and it is sad that they will take the time to learn what will hurt you over taking the time to learn the good in you. Worse they may see it or see what others do but turn that around to watch you hurt an to take something inside you as a person away, and that is NOT just something you can let go of, because everytime you try an be you..you hear those words again an again. They aren't forgotten like a quick physical bashing, and that is sad to even know or say.

I tried to tell myself this trip home was not a good idea an bad time... but after the emotional beat down like today an each am.. there is no better time to do as I feel is needed an deserved , and I shouldn't have to explain needing to find me, and take some time to be with family..he has gone home or taken small brakes when he has found needed an I have always supported them. In any relationship some small brakes can be healthy. He assumes I am up to no good, and makes me feel bad an quilty for just wanting to step away an let us both clear our heads, it sure can't do any more harm then what we are currently living- that is for sure. I want this time home... NOT just to stand my ground an do as I believe at 40 I should be able to decide, but because I should be able to take a step away when I feel it is needed for all.Lets hope I don't bail! I really want this time.. Let's face it tho we all know I will not go, I can't leave the kids and I know the out come later if I try..

Until then *Love *Unconditionally * Memories ( will be built &Never ) * Unforgotten.... with that the angel who taught me to live by that , I know has already been watching over me.. L.U.M.U