Today I woke up and I just didn't feel anything, after a very long time.. It was very weird to just wake up and NOT have this overly panicked and worried in my chest. I slept with this amazing peace inside, just so relaxed and floating on a cloud with ease, a peaceful that I haven't felt in so long that I can't remember the last time I just felt so peaceful... There wasn't 1,000 thoughts racing in my head that spun an spun. There was just nothing but this feeling that was one that was just of ease. This feeling was of such FREEDOM, soothing, and I could just breath. Can I say that it with FULL assurance that this feeling was for the best maybe NOT and that is what I can't tell yet....
I realized that I finally FORGIVE J.R.. I realized that I am past all the lies, and the sneaking of his emotional affair last year that tore my world apart for over a year now. I can't keep just looking at him with this rage inside me. For over 2months last year he decided to talk to another women that was NOT me, share things with her that belong to me. We had been together almost 2 years, and in that time I had tried to make sure that I was always who I had NEVER been in the past, and he had promised to be who he never could be before. Our exs had always kept us silent, unallowed to speak our minds or have an opinion, they wanted to always have the upper hand over us and we just allowed it, and together we were suppose to be who we couldn't be in the past with them or others. The thing is.. J.R decided that while my ex Kody was ill and dying from cancer that he would turn to someone from his past and let them become his person... the one he would call as soon as he got in his car first thing in the morning, he would txt her ONE minute after me saying goodmorning and exspress how much he had been thinking of her, and chat with her for hours each day while he avoided me, shut me out and at one point said " I don't think I would care if you left, or maybe notice, and probably would just go on"... the pain to hear that I can't tell you about it was beyond words, and it plays through my head almost every time I look at him even a year later now. The girl had reached out and told me about everything, and she was almost excited to tear me apart with sending me EVERY message in that 8 weeks they talked, and it didn't just end there... she called me a few times to tell me about the long conversations they shared and the plans they made to get rid of me in the picture and the goals they set for a future together, from her moving in until they found a NEW HOUSE and what that house was gonna have for them, down to the yard and who was gonna do what in the relationship... THE HURT was that J.R will NOT talk past this week with me, with me he liked being in HIS apartment and in ways wonder if it is for the CONTROL knowing if he does something or just decided to follow through with getting rid of me HE CAN, it's his NO mine in anyway. I feel in ways like a bad documentary, where they dreamed together of this life that was so amazing and without me, and in ways that he won't talk with me and that is probably because he don't see them with me and I Know that...when everything came out and it was NOT from him, he was more upset that I knew. Worse he didn't end it, she did. He says things like he's here by choice, but is it or is it that she blocked him, refuses to speak to him again and stopped buying into his lies??? I don't call that or feel that is choosing me, would you?? He likes the idea of someone living here, and being so willing when ever and it is when ever HE wants. She had always said she would NOT... wash his close, fold them and lay out clean uniforms, make his lunch every day,or cook his dinner and time it for the exact time he gets home, or clean the house...those are all things she would pay someone else to come in an do. Granted they would have hot dinner and a clean house, but it wouldn't be her doing out of love for him. I do it because I LOVE HIM, and yet sadly I know even now I am NOT who he chooses, but who he chooses is enough for NOW.
During the time that he was hiding talking to this girl every day and all through it, he was also "handling himself sexually". To the point of even hiding self pleasuring things to his job and making a man handling cave. The idea that he went to the point to look up something to handle himself with and send it to his job , and then get up early everyday to get to his little cobby and then take out this stuff to please himself and pay for things to watch while he did this, rather then wake up and be with me who was willing and wanting to be with him hurts like crazy. I don't think he can understand how much that can really hurt someone emotionally..NOT just this emotional affair and connection he was making with someone who did NOT belong in any kind of relationship with never mind one that he was being open with her and making plans and sharing his future wants with,but then to hide and sneak behind my back to be pleased and the idea it wasn't with me... I had offered to go to the job so many times and he has always declined any type of random spontaneousness I have tried to have for him, it is not like I am not trying or haven't tried. I really have tried to make sure I am open to what he wants and needs,but he won't let me in...He let HER??? So to say I don't feel that he is just staying with me and being STUCK is not an untrue thing, and I am convient. WHEN ever he wants it, what is better then a live in sex toy?? When we are together it is when, IF, where, and how he wants...He use to really enjoy being with me and wanting to please me, and now even if it is in ways he knows and I have explained is not all that much of what I like or enjoy...he does't seem to mind at all as long as he can just release himself, that is what it feels like.sadly......
In this relationship dates are SOOOO far and few in between. Given we have been together now almost 3 yrs, there is not alot of adventures or experiences that we have enjoyed together. YES, we do take a trip once a year, but I feel he thinks that is enough and I should be thankful for just that. I want to laugh and smile with him, and those too are soo far and very rear in between. Every year in September we go to a new orchard together, December we go to amazing tree lighting place that has become like our spot to just connect for a minute , and then our trips in March/ April and other then that I get one or two other dates. He does I have to say put thought into those times, but just seems as though at times those are times he is just trying to get through and say WE WENT OUT, and he isn't always in the moment with me... he will get someone to cover him at work for about 3 hrs, so I know we are on a time thing and feel rushed not fully in it, or he takes calls in our time that are about work, or he has something else he needs to do when we are done and his mind is just off somewhere just not fully into me, him, US.. Just something to mark off his list and say it got done. If you asked either of us about the other sadly, there is very little we could tell you about the other, and for me that sucks..
When I woke up today and the anger, worry, thoughts were just GONE!!! I didn't feel the anger in the same way anymore, and actually I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel the pain of what he had done, all the lies ,hiding, sneaking , or the worry if he was gonna go to his little hide a spot and handle himself, the curiousness if he was watching more porn ,or calling another person he shouldn't be.... there was NO thought there. In ways it scares me a little... to have NO feeling at all????????? I can't even pin if I just DON"T care, and that worries me. I know that I can say finally " I forgive you"!!! Does that mean that I feel that because I am finally seeing and believing that he is sorry, and won't hurt me again... I DON'T think so. Although the angry for all the lies and betrayal is just numb, I don't believe that if he could sleep with someone else and be 100 that I would NEVER know that he wouldn't jump at it, and I don't believe that if he had a chance to be with someone else and make a future with them and know that he could just leave me here he wouldn't take it. It hurts that I don't feel safe or secure with him, I just feel I am enough for NOW.. That's it, I am just the now! In the now, I am numb. I forgive what I know about, but I am still so angry and don't trust that I am wanted, desired, choosen, or where he really wants to be... I guess in ways I am settling to just be enough for NOW, but I am still waiting for the bomb when better rises.
I was asked when or if that can ever let that feeling go... can I ?? I think to myself, I think I know when that will be. He had once said that he wouldn't speak to my dad until he felt that we were serious, and as messed up as that is after 3 years we should have been there by now. After 2 years with someone you should know what you do or don't want with them for sure, and the fact that he can't says alot, but I will continue to wait and see,but that can only last so long before what I want matters more to me. If he decides on his own to find my dads number and he calls him and has a heart to heart, and I didn't have to being it up... then I will know at that point he is finally loving me as he says he does. That is the moment, everything will probably change and be where it should be with 2 people that say .. they love each other. THAT will be the time, I will know he chooses me, and not just stuck!!
So I have finally stopped feeling angry, but the hurt is there.. NOT feeling enough can't be changed with just words, so here is where is stay as a couple....UNTIL he makes the choice and sticks to his own words and calls my dad on his own, or until I have stopped being ok just numb and decide for ME *** This was a good run and we tried , the teen curiosity is gone and see we failed....GUESS we will see, and I am hoping that is before the 3 yr line comes I am afraid by then I will be tired of being tired and just OK
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