When do we heal???

They say sometimes the hardest thing we can do is say we our hurt, that maybe every heart gets broken.. At times I wonder if I can find someone to help me or allow me to heal NOT brake me again or more.

I am awake again early, because for some reason Kody is has been in every dream lately, weather I get a minute with him some how I get lost and I can't find him and then Paige is there beside me and we are looking an looking and then that is when she says " we aren't lost we have each other and we got you" ! Do they tho do they have me? Because since she has left me I have so lonely, and months later before I could breath Kody was ill .. and since then I have been more lost then ever feeling. He has told me since we were 12 he'd have my back that he would always be there in some way, and the thing is YES , we never got along and until the week before he passed I never felt truly loved, or my heart protected , or seen but I knew he was there. I knew, No doubt that I knew Kody would would lay his life out before he let anyone hurt me, betray me, let me look stupid or think I was weak ( he let on like he thought it but he always stood up loud and proud on my honor** Unless his sisters for some reason , but again he DID right before he left me forever). Kody this way to  be the one to hold me down, but no one else could because that is when he would LIFT ME up an he would say " This is wife , she is not a force to wrecken with" and the last thing he said to me was " Watch over our kids, I'll watch over you but always be the women I INSISTED do me the honor of being my wife, never stop being you , never stop being her, don't take shit"...

This past year, has to have been the worse year of my life ever. The thing is freash men year I think I lost the man Dan I seen as my father...to a heart attack our of no where, I lost my good good friend / a short time good timer lol as they say... he seen no way out of the pain and they say he threw himself out a 15 story window, I lost my cousin..to an over dose, and my other his brother to falling asleep behind the wheel also high from his pain, and a friend in school at the age of 16 some how had the idea to wrap a belt around her neck an lay over her bunk until her neck snapped...how does any one even think of that? I lost those connections in only a month, and that hasn't hurt as much as this year .

Besides losing KODY... the very day , that exact morning he was about to take his last breath, I was home alone, I had choosen to respect what we had always agreed that if we knew ill we would not let the other see the last moment. I don't know if I would have kept that word, an my word is my BOND.. I have never broken it, but I did because see Kody and I knew our lives held each other back in many ways, and he was litterally hours from leaving me and my life was going to be here with J.R ...Kody even shook his hand and thanked him for the peace he was giving him to leave this world, to know I'd finally be loved how he wished he had, and protect his children. The thing is J.R NEVER did any  of that, Kody was still holding on to a few breaths as his children held his hand, waiting and assuring him they loved him and the moments they are thankful to be his children. While I respected Kody and waited home for the call,  I was also waiting for J.R to call an check in on me ...be there..not let me go long so alone as my life of 30 plus years was about to just be gone and I would be left with kids coming home beyond broken.... THE THING IS NONE OF THOSE calls from J>R came that day. He said, sorry such a crazy day... BUULLLLSHHHIITTTT he spent that day an every one for the next 60 of them calling some other women. I can see the stress or maybe not knowing how to help someone you love in that hard moment, but the thing NONE of their chat was about me, JUST the part of me being an obligation because of losing husband , and how when the time was right he was done and unhappy and gonna find a house with this women...which is odd because he once ** to get me here away from the life I had , and it was pretty f n good in a lot of ways, HELL I had my OWN house 4bdrms not this his 2 bdrm crammed but he swore this life was just starting with him** but he was spending every morning, getting in his truck by 7 am an calling her that minute and ignoring my good morning text, and he spent ALLL day texting her, face timing her, and I was so broken and just wanted to get on with why I came, but he couldn't be bothered with me. He would call her the whole drive home , while sending me a text he was on his way, but would delay an sit at the top of complex saying he couldn't wait til morning to talk to her again and how he had to go back TO HIS place I was in... So I keep my word to Kody being ok with it because it was to stay focused to the life I was building and being fair to them, BUT Kody wasn't even cold or BURNED yet and JR was already moving on, and My person to have my back an get me away...was GONE in that exact breath that JR started this BBULLSHIIITT.. On the same day, I lost 2 people who where suppose to love me an look out for me.. Thing is I only lost kODY ONCE, and JR that day he choose to contact that girl and his haunted me every night and day and am ...with every thought and breath it plays over an over .Then the day the girl told me, and she only did so because I could see it and feel it in JR, I knew it to well... The IDK thing, being on a wheel of trying to be with me but feeling bad for what he started out side of us and the thing of hurting an old friend with who knows what she would do if he ended it...SO I do what I do and I blew up his socials with his face pressed against mine, knowing some girl if he was feeding her shit would snap, it is what women do... and she did, told me and then I snapped an have been every day since and it won't end, and he plays like it just oh sorry, boom fixed. The thing is not just the hurt what I believed he felt that I came back to this stupid state, that I wasn't beside Kody when he was scared , that in both areas I have lost time, and none of that was time that mattered to JR and that hurts still...knowing I choose a man who will choose any form of women he can get at ANY COST / yes even money to step away from me or not be here with me...I'm lost and hurt and lonelier then ever in any day I was actually alone and hurting from abuse ,,this is worse, everyday!

I think that is what these dreams are.. I am trying to get to Kody I need him to remind me the women he saw, I can't find her either. This is NOT me, I know my worth and it is above a man who wants another over me. Kody was far from loving me, BUT never ever would he ever let some women even think she could have his attention when he had me, and I checked all my boxs, as a women I KNOW i check my boxs as a women. This is on J.R to fix or get the F out my way..it has been a year and I am tired of carrying weight of BS that I didn't make, tired of fighting pain I didn't cause, feeling bad that I have to watch  him like a child because he couldn't be a grown old ass man , we aren't teens hell we are pushing 50...and neither is some grand prize, and sadly at this point paying for it is gonna be his way.. women won't take this treatment NO ONE deserves and I won't much more and he don't see it while I am screaming it!!

Last night or this morning, I had this dream that I got the chance to go back to the hospital and be with Kody, and he was still sooo full of hope, and he had his christmas tree up. I wanted to get a picture of him and his little girl by the tree and let them both believe that had gotten that one last xmas together. The thing is little girl, the girl who was there his last moment was NOT so little or at least not as little as the girl in the dream. I kept trying to get Kody to just sit still an talk to me about the things neither of us would face while he sick and here. Kody always just wanted to be in the moment, and I wanted to face the to come...I needed answers but he believed I had it all together and I was this super women he didn't let shine and now would, but truth is I am failing again. No matter what in this dream I couldn't get either to sit still for one photo and as he would Kody would get inpatient with me, the dream went on and on, but in it he kept saying " You know how to handle this just do it" " your stupid, you have always known when not to back down and get it done...get it done" but then he would start talking to other patients as he did, and try an calm them with his bright blue eyes and smile, and just look back and say " GO, GO get it done you know how" but it wasn't I don't think the picture I was tryin to capture, it was life!! Then like it goes, Paige came and she said come on time is up we have to go so just get back well be watching and you will do what you need to get what you want... again didn't feel like she meant I'd get the moment captured , it was about capturing the moments I have left to live and get and make NOW.  

I just don't know why even in dreams, Kody has to be so dam harsh with me... I mean he once use to always say it was the only way I listen or see things is when they aren't easy or nice, part of what made me the women he married and couldn't wait see come down the aisle. Kody was never the get married type , he was DEF. only a ONE women man even as kids at 13, but not married he was a wonderer he loved to travel and lived soooo many places in life, but with me he asked me to marry him the night Kaiden was born... That is what I mean when I say he always had my back i was NEVER AN OBLIGATION.... One night while pregnant with Kaiden , he had come by to see me ...on the table was my VA JJ meds ( the meds for my herpes Kaidens bio dad had hidden from me) ..I remember being so embarassed of all people he saw, but I need to make sure I took and no one ever came by so they were out...Kody saw an I won't forget he said " One day you will find someone who will love you so much it won't matter , and that is the one worth your time"... Months later ,The night Kaiden was born he came to me and insisted to be his dad, we didn't have to be a couple just a friend having my back and not letting me struggle or let my child think either of us unloved. He said we didn't have to be together just two good life friends co-parenting, and for a while that was it. He came every fri from Rhode Island 3hrs, and he would hold Kaiden until he slept and then lay him in crib, and show him off to his buddys that would pick him up to go out and he'd come back for first am bottle...before long he just stayed didn't wanna miss the moments with Kaiden, and before long he wanted us to have a huge family, one like he was born into even tho never where around he wanted to build a HUGE legacy.. I explained my issue an the chances to catch, and wasn't fair ... he said " You are so worth that chance of a life time, because I told you someone who truly loves you won't care..and I have always loved you and function aka sexually best with you for a reason, and I love you for all the risk life can bring" and we then decided we were a family.. He called his family, told them he saw his ex and realized we had just had a child, and for years NO one knew Kaiden wasn't his... he didn't want either of us seen as not choosen or loved as his. He started then and for the next 19 years daily having my back, always dressing up my mistakes. He had alot wrong and wish he had loved me more while he could of not when he realized he wouldn't be able to.

I had a while ago heard a quote and I let it slip, maybe I didn't fully get it til I needed to... The pen is mightier then the sword!!!! It is like saying the pen... the words spoken, the communication, the things told to you, and then shown with action is like putting it in writing , or for me my word is my bond...it is a powerful action,  more then the sword... The sword is used as a weapon, abuse, scares, harm with no intent to do right . So when willing to put your actions and words into motion like the movement of the pen that glides perminate  will always be stronger then a sword, of harm and broken things except pain. I believe that. I have always loved poetry and missing writing , maybe once I get this writing my thoughts out each am , I will try and write poetry again, but I love the ones that make the most impact to the daily thought , and that one has always sat hard with me....

It's like " I rather fix tomorrow then worry about the past " .. That one wish I could live by, and forget this pain I am living alone with daily from his choices, he won't take the lead and show me I am desired  to be with, have future with, cares if I leave, and that he won't lie hide sneak betray me again. Show he still loves me, the idea of us, and that it is me he wants it with or wants it at all. His words say I am now, his actions say I am here now, but really think he is ok with the one after another after another even if he is paying for it to be FAKE an random, and that he will take the time to watch fake things that directed to do, I don't need to be directed to know how I feel with him and would be if he would just BE IN IT, and let me, but if he can't be the pen soon... i HAVE TO  choose me. I am not asking anything he can't or once didn't show and give it was there, and that is the issue it is gone. He can say he's trying but he is a person trying to almost with a gun to head ...same desire, and thing is he isn't doing me any favors. He is wasting his own time and mine. We both could have other lives waiting, one he won't want to avoid coming home to and one I won't hurt waiting to see let down come back to what he keeps as his place to me, IF he really wanted an US, he would be the old him and put those thoughts he once had into movement and he would not just say you can check what you want I am not doing wrong.... he wouldn't wait for me to ask or take up the offer , he would take my phone and add the app an say we are connected , TRUST me I am where I should be ( altho with being where he should be doesn't stop his actions there alone or with calls text an maybe visits / partner in that bathroom or truck wiith him) just hurts when I offer to give him what he desires but I am not who he desires , just wants when he wants something and I am here or blocking other actions to it. If he can't choose me soon ...I WILL CHOOSE ME! Kody jr just turned 18 and Kaiden is 20 so only one really I have to worry about with my choices, my boys got life they will step up and help me / us ad a family or just be ok.... the time is here , and I need more.. MORE rush, thought, desire, communication, and just be choosen. TIK TOK clock is ticking !!

The dreams have to stop!! They are screaming so loud, and normally they are telling me what I need to know... if they didn't who knows where I'd be and how far JRs plan would have gotten him, sadly maybe had he spoken up before her, maybe he'd be finally be making himself happy with her ( horse mouth bold women lol) and not sucking it up with me.. I can feel it, he doesn't touch or hold me or desire to like he once did..... and I am worth more!! Someone who lives by the pen NOT the sword!!! 

When does being hurt, cheated on, beaten, abused, losing people we love, being betrayed by the ones we trusted HEAL???? WHEN??? or just how do we even start if we have just burried so much of it??? WHEN CAN I feel peace and just HEAL from so much pain????

The thing is I think men don't realize at times how strong us women are..or how much we know when they think we don't.. The don't realize that while they are breaking us, the draw back on small random text, the check in phone calls, the lies of just a busy day that has now been a week, or the short non-passionate kisses, or the tight hugs you couldn't wait that barely come now, the cuddling on the couch you once smoothered with an now never ask , the short answers when she speaks to you but you just don't wanna be bothered or that your mind is else where.. she is noticing.. and you think she can't see but she does and she the one hurting from you are enjoying, she is spending nights up trying to figure out how to fix problems she didn't even make, or how to carry the weight of the pain, they don't see that real women the good ones we brake in silence, and try an warn you that we know but when so far into yourself, and selfish and ego fed you don't see it.. We will smile like all is ok, we will kiss you as tho we know nothing even tho we are hoping it will be something you miss and STOP and just see us again, and we will still happily cook your hot dinner an serve you* probably knowing all you did and think we don't know**and with that smile we will ask about your day....probably with a tone trying to let you know we don't believe you and that we know more but we still wanna hear it from you, we will let you feed us the lies as we gather ourselves, the thing is while you think you are voiding us and you have the upper hand odds our a smart good women, is really just slowly grieving what was once even if for a short time, and we are just prepairing for our good-bye !! When they go to move on it might be then they see they already had the one to fully trust them but they betrayed it , even while they were fully loved for all they were and for their past with no judgment but they tossed it away from their ego...while she hid her own fears and insecuritites from everyone else even them to try an be strong for them and untrue to themselves, and while you found her weak they were actually gifts she was giving you that many others may never do , and now you are slowly losing it as we start pulling ourselves together before we exit, just not as fast we entered and so we have given the time to see these things and change them IF YOU ever even wanted them?? So you before you start tearing down a women whos time you asked for , whos heart you wanted, and before you just start thinking for yourself and with your ego....ASK / Wonder..

One day you will have to look back &  when you look back and we have healed, and we will , this was you choice...is it worth it? 

A good women will learn in time to heal!!! I believe and need to believe, it is a process and I will one day myself get there!