Someone recently said to me " I am so happy to see you are finally HAPPY, in your marriage" and it made me laugh, wishing others could see In the past 8 years since we have been settled finally here in FL, yes finally no more moving,but that I am married to 2 totally different men, and sadly neither of them love me. Worse is that I know that,but I put on this smile, that I feel if I fake enough I can convience myself that maybe one of them like me even just a little,but in my heart I know the truth, neither do, and they both make it very known.SO I smile more, and hope those around me will believe it just a small bit. Really, I am hoping that my kids will believe it,BUT they don't at all, and they remind me how fake my smile is, and how they are learning to pretend too-for me.
I can go a few days with Jekyll, he is — I wouldn't even say Happy really,but he is quite an peaceful in ways. There is still the general, nothing is right and you have let him down mood,but you can hold a conversation with him and go to bed with no worry of being woken from your sleep, or slandered for an hr of the list of horrible names he thinks of you or all your faults. You can find compassion in him, on your bad day, and maybe find him sitting at the dinner table with you, and asking the children how their day was.If your really lucky maybe a small hug for me or sharing the bed with a show we like,but over all peace.
My a day later of getting Jekyll, you can assure yourself Hyde is very much present. He arrives very early in the am. He will awaken you from your sleep to make sure you know that you made his coffee all wrong * if you had left it prepared an ready for his early day , on the days he chooses to work an be up early**, and if you did not prepare it for when he awakes,he will lace into you asking why you have to be so lazy that you couldn't do such a simple task???? As in either situation you try to say your sorrys, he will become much more angry, and make sure you are aware of the uselessness you are to him, and the fat waste of time you are. If after his coffee he decides that he needs to ( what I call "Dump himself" in you) he will not use any sorrys — just the simple words of "pull them down" , meaning he wants you to just do what is your job as a wife — the idea an belief that I have always had that a (wives/women in a committed relations duty )is to make sure her man is always taken care of an NEVER say NO..but it can be done with love an respect not as , what I say "Dumping grounds" and making me feel like used garbage/tool/dirty.Most of the time shortly after, you will be told that it is all your worth an not even good at**( which can be true cause you keep begging for it to be more interesting or different).. As the day continues, their is such a long list of things to anger him, and things that are expected of you ( even Jekyll expects you to always jump just will ask rather then demand)..No matter what part of it you do, you will always do it wrong, or miss something, or do something in away he didn't want...an he will let you know how angry you have made him. If I were to ever attempt to do his wash, as once I mistakenly did, he took it all out cut it all up an then made me replace each item that I had touched-because he didn't know if I had washed it correctly,rather then just ask me to not wash it an then rerun it his way. I was so mortified, and was truly trying to just be a helpful partner. When I cook dinner, he won't help,but he will be watch how you do it an if you by mistake scrap the pan, he becomes so upset that he will then refuse to eat the meal-after all the time you used to prep** like dropping what you were doing to rush off to the store an get the meat fresh,and rushing back to make sure you timed it to be ready an hot when he wanted*** but the time will always be wrong**) and what you make will always be the wrong type,thing an done wrong. After your reminded again how useless you are cause you can't get that right, he may find something that has angered him so much that now he is standing over you until you cry, then he will laugh at you for crying, calling you weak, saying " cry little baby cry", then follow you into the room were you are trying to hide from the kids seeing anymore.If you are lucky he will return to the garage where he continues to get drunk,but half way through that he will come to see if you are sleeping an if you are he will stand over you chantting what a fat lazy bxxx you are an repeat how much he hates you, what a mistake you are, and once he can torture you awake just a little he will then demand over an over until you get out of your bed half a sleep an drive down to go get him more beer...So many say WHY do it??? Well until you are just startteled out of your sleep, and you know it wont stop until you go or it will get worse, it is easier to just go..The list could go on.. but the ore I admit out loud the more I hurt inside an that gives him more power.
I get that so many are so quick to say, just leave, knowing he doesn't love you should be enough but for some reason, there is a hold..I know my kids would be ok if I left today,but to be honest it is more of him I worry of. I am always worried about leaving him alone, if I am not here to nag the little I can over the drinking who knows how bad it would be an kill himself faster..
When he drinks enough, I generally leave with the kids an go to my moms that is close by, and well one night we did leave an it was a good example of what happens with out me yelling when enough is enough. He ended up locking himself out of the house** he insisted he had NO keys,but then how did you lock the door behind you?? ** cause he came to my moms after midnight looking for something, and when returning my neighbor called an said"Unsure but I think someone might be breaking in, there seems to be someone trying to kick in door,so I'm gonna go check it out "**He is a BIG guy he would be safe..He then informed me it was my husband and said " I think he may need ER", I asked him to go check him out..Kody had tried to kick the door in after he busted the window open with his face an realized he wasn't gonna fit in it, when he kicked the door he had fallen backwards on the side walk an onto his face, breaking his nose....So I rush home, and let him in, offering to take him for help BUT he wanted to curse at me an blame me, and after he refused ER, I turned around locked the door an went back to my moms for bed. Around 3 am Kody called an screaming asking what I had done to him lol, then demanding I return home, and I told him he hung with someone I made clear not welcome in my home an he went against it as well as drinking hard liquar that we have agreed he can never due.. So now with a broken window in our home, and his nose busted you would think he learned , he didn't , he just learned where he wanted to point fingers other then at himself.
I have for many years taken the finger at me for all the unhappiness he has lived with,but never told of any happiness I give an I put alot of time into trying to be a good wife/partner & mother. I want to be someones everything. I want someone who is just happy to be with me an with me because they want me not need me to make their life easier or babysit them. I want someone who looks at me an glows, and wants me to know I am their smile..and one day I will find it again..
**Until then L.U.M.U Love Unconditionally Memories ( will be built & not ) Unforgotten
Create Your Own Website With Webador