I wake up everyday, and choose to be the wife of an Alcoholic.. I say choose because I took a vow.The day I decided I wanted to be a wife, it was seen so different-made under different visions.. I never seen myself as married,( I knew the kind of wife I wanted to be at just 14- when I had dated someone briefly an I felt something I had never seen others in my family feel, but it ended seems so fast I tried to forget)then for a short time about 17 years ago. In those few priceless moments of "Being ME, the real ME" , I wanted so much to be that person forever. I had never felt so alive an free * since I was a child that brief moment*, and I was living life..and beside me was someone who shined every time they seen me, and was truly my best friend.I learned why people wanted to be committed , after my ex I had never understood why , thinking from what I seen growing up an living those years I never wanted to give myself to someone an live every day wanting a way out. Now I was finding myself excited to wake up with this amazing person beside me, not just waking up, but his eyes sparkled the minute they met mine,and then this bright smile would light up the dark room.As I smiled back, these thoughts of wanting to wake up daily to make him breakfast before taking him to work,leaving a small note that let him know I was thinking of him, taking him lunch just to see how his day was going, preparing dinner to sit with him and chat about our day with a movie or our favorite show, then getting ready to just do whatever I can to make my partner smile the rest of the day, and weekends just get out an see/do things new an adventurious while making new memories with/or without the kids. I wanted to spend my days being everything he could ever want. When I lost "being me", I never really thought that I deserved finding it again, and the track I was on I wouldn't find it. In ways this vision I had of the family I wanted an the wife I seen me being , was clear, but this small part of that void, the one at the pool or I think is the day that started there, and when I know that for sure I will fill that part in and maybe all this will make scence if it is the actual void i dance around. If that wasn't it, there so much in that day that this person was showing that made me see it clearly but yet foggy.. as if it was so much of this person that was the void but just not actual the part of the void I was recklessly chasing...
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When I decided to be with Kody, I never thought it was gonna be for long or for marriage, he wasn't built for either of those things. I had just known that he seemed to want good for Kaiden, and that was the most important thing at that time. Before long another child was coming, and I wanted to finally try an have a family , and then BOOM another baby a few months later after Carter was born, and I figured even then it would last a bit,but not for long term. Even tho I never seen it long term, I never took it lightly at all, I always put my all in as I had anytime I had I was committed.
Once Payton was a year old an we moved back for the last time to FL, and made it our home, things just fell apart. His drinking was worse then I had ever seen it* remind you we were middle school sweet hearts if I never said that, and he had always been a huge drinker even at 14**. To sum it up before I get to daily issues of this life, he had never been really into family life, and I get he didn't know how to be a dad, his left when he was a baby but he knew he loved his kids an showed them with more hugs an kisses then even I did.He just never wanted to be a part of things we did, staying home to drink was more of a thought. At first, but it picked up more daily, the name calling an the belittiling gets worse, and the things I do ** seems I keep fighting an as bad as they get I try harder an harder making him meaner an more verbally abusive then even I can take. I did leave for a short time about 5 an half years ago but he made me believe things would change an swore by it, and a dear friend, who I call my angel ( an I will one day talk of that angel) convienced me to marry him or I would never know if I truly tried everything or if I would have regret, and I did.. at times I wish I had waited another 6 months to have made that choice for several reasons ** all later to be told too, but all I know right now is those smiles of when I was me , is the life so many should live an have, where I am today is all pretend, and my kids know it worst of all. Sadly there are some who believe this smile I put on an the ones who know the truth judge very hardly- but they don't live it, and if I don't put this smile on every day an keep trying only my kids pay..
Until then, and as I start this journey to telling you the darkness of these 13 yrs an of the daily fake smile I will listen to my angel cause I know that angel is watching me, recently sent me a much needed message through someone they knew I'd hear..so as this new journey starts an is told L.U.M.U ..I will continue to Love Unconditonally Memories ( will still be being built & never ) Unforgotten
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