How much can One really take ???

I don't ever wanna come off as tho I am saying I am this angel stuck in hell.. an this is where I go in circles with this man...No matter how I say it, he does not get any of it. I have said many times "NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT", doesn't matter how hard I try to get things right--- it is ALWAYS WRONG, always!! Then I have to try an defend myself from the horrible things he sees me as, and when he isn't understanding the pain he makes me feel- or I say " maybe he does an he really ENJOYS the pain, it excites him"..because he will sit there an go on an on until he can see I am breaking, and if I don't after all this time I am so use to it, at times I can't brake, I am way to use to it all.. BUT I will soon lash back, I want him to try an see why it is that I hurt...NO matter what I say tho, it is always turned around to " what about me"?? or he says " I can't live like this much more"?? and the odd part is everyone of us walk around him, and it is about what he can deal with -hahahah! 

Here is just some of this stuff I am told daily, and then the next day smile like nothing wrong...could you after these????                                                                                                         **Have you looked at yourself lately? Probably NOT cause you look so nasty you probably dont wanna see what I have to...

**What do you do all day, besides LAY DOWNS?? you do nothing but make piles,that you do nothing with.

*When area you gonna stop pretending you have back pain? It's just a lie you tell yourself so you can  do LAY DOWNS.

*All you do is write in your stupid books, when are you gonna write a half useful resume?? Have you seen that sad shit you put on there?? NO wonder no one hires you, you don't even have a real career --LIKE ME..

*Do you just pretend your writing your bills, that you can't even pay?? Cause I have to take care of you, you can't even take care of you kids, I should have them taken from you.....*** BY the way — HE does NOT pay my bills, he does pay the rent but with the money I should use for rent I have to pay ALL the wifi/cable, ALL the car insurance for my truck yes,but we all use it to get the kids where they need- DRs, grocerys, my own cell , and ALL the shampoo,conditioner, body wash, toilet paper etc for bathroom& laundry supplies..IF I had help w that, then I would have money towards rent but he likes trying to make me feel bad an below him...

*All you do is LAY DOWNS an that is why you will NEVER be nothing.

* Keep pretending you have back issues, it is really just called LAZY BONES

* You know no one cares about you! * which can hurt knowing my dad was never around an my mom has always only seen my sister in her eyes

*You think your something,because you buy scrubs to try an feel like your special or something important ,but it's all fake cause your still NOTHING. You can't even contribute to anything your kids need so how can you be anything??

*If you spent half the time looking for a job that you do writing in all you little stupid things that you do, then maybe you would find a job an pick yourself up an get up an be somebody.

*You need to worry about "YOUR SON" he's not my problem.- * he knew the day he came when my son was 1 day old, that I didn't want the bio-dad around he was no good for my son, and said " I wanna be the dad,even if we aren't together we've always been friends, I don't want him to ever feel unwanted" --Odd thing is, that is all he has felt ...is unwanted.

I replay all these things in my head over an over daily, they just replay like little voices. As I do my routine in the am, that has now turned into some OCD control spiralling out of control routine, that spins my mind out of control and I can't stop the routine or the voices.. Do I really need these meds? I answer YES, cause if I don't take them... I feel chained inside a tanning booth with the heat all the way up, someone is closing the walls in an shut the lights out, and I can't catch a breath but it is getting darker an hotter in here..I wake up with the kids ( he leaves for work 2hrs early so he doesn't have to help, cause I make fresh breakfast every day, pack their lunchs,drive them to school, then I come home an start listening to the voices- gotta get that am mess cleaned, and  I can scrub the toilet and tub over an over, rearrange the cabinets 2/3 times in the day an remake the beds, vacuum the lines into the carpet every time someone just walks by them, while( I make sure it is done before I leave for work** that my Dr told me I can't do-slipping more disk since no cartlidge over the spine)& making sure I am freshly showered at 4:40 new make up on an looking not so sweaty from all I did during the day, new lines at 4:50 ,dinner is on the stove by 4:55 while watching the clock cause he is in the door at exactly 5:01 if getting beer ** like most nights I have 4 extra minutes, and lol guess what that dinner won't be touched* and either way the lines are not noticed nor is my fresh shower. I hear him pull in an all of a sudden the air with the little light I got to come into that tanning booth I locked in , is slammed fast and the heat has just been turned all the way up.. I know something is going to anger him FAST. I watch my kids look at me, waiting to see my face — I try to be calm, but one might ask you OK, do you need your meds** an it kills me they know? Another will run for the video game or electronics, and say " I don't wanna know what he is mad about now, the other one just won't leave his room after school unsure if any day can be an early day.

As I write this, and I see it written out an read it back, NO this is NOT ok.. I want so much more..sadly I have so many times I have said " I just wanna be happy, By the POOL **altho only one day* happy-it was a feeling that only too one glance and about one min to have this happiness fill you to know that was true life happiness, If I never find that day of happiness ( or if I made it up — it was a way to truly dream life can and should be)I wanna be like 8th grade happy , sure of who I am" " I wanna just be everything I vowed to be" and I just wanna feel that young love I once felt inside! I keep holding on scared letting go for my own happiness is failing or being selfish. I just wonder when we take a vow, how much verbal or abuse before you can say " I truly tried?" I don't wanna one day have someone see me as I once believed I was before all my poor choices an think I won't stick to a vow. I wanna be the best wife I can,but hard if I am the only one fighting.