For along time I have thought in a very unclear way. I remember being 14, and it had been years since I had-had a birthday party ( as those who may know my uncle was killed in a motor cycle accident on the night of my 5th birthday, and my mom never wanted to remember the day..in ways forgetting I was only a little girl who still needed to be celebrated** the way my sister was year after year) and I remember thinking how badly I just wanted to be thought of an showed love by my mom for the party, and by the ones who would show up, but I until I was older an could do a few of my own planning, it didn't happen... then my 39th an my 40th my daughter put so much hard work an planning into my special day an she really made it special, of course it was just us an her kids really but it was all so special.I think on my 39th I was really so surprised-- I cried! I find even now, I find myself doing thing trying to get her approval about the choices I have made in life, as a mom I can see why she wouldn't- I have made so many choices trying to find the love an replace the rejection I have been left with from her an my dad ( less my dad in ways I guess, because I understood later on in life why he wasn't there* by choices my mom made for him not ones he made himself...you wonder how that could be an it was still on him ,but if you knew my mom you would fully get it** SHE CONTROLS ALOT)
When I say I seen things in such wrong ways, I did.. I thought that by being there an being good to others that was what I would get back.. in many different ways.
Growing up, I think I have had about 4 REAL friends.. One there is no question about, Brandi I met at age 5, and no matter what choices I have ever made she has always been right there with unconditional love- like real love the kind that you give to child( not even just family but the kind of love that can do NO wrong which is a mother an child love), she has always stood by me, even if she couldn't understand my choice in the smallest way ever and she would never tell you why she thought it was wrong without reason to back up her words but it never lessened her love for me, and when I was above the world with joy there is no other person I would wanna call an tell about it then her first — because she truly felt the joy with me. NOW if I did wrong, and I knew that Brandi would be there with me an walk me through the wrong of it...BUT I didn't wanna know why it was wrong because I knew it was wrong, I would call Vanessa, my partner in crime. When I was up to no good she was generally wrong as well in her own scam at the time lol, or side by side with me, heck at times she was the one showing me the wrong an I stood beside her doing just as wrong. Vanessa is the person you call "home", where when your sad an lonely an life is just to hard to deal with just hugging her makes you feel like care free 14 yr old you again,and it all seems ok again.With her I always thought she was my safe, she was someone I love unconditionally no matter her flaws I always seen the good in her deep down..She would do wrong- to some of our friends,but they weren't all her forever type friends so she was just living life to the fullest..there was time they would be wrong doing to my forever friend an it was a hard spot to be in but no matter what I always kept my lips sealed an had her back, as she would for me.Normally a small bicker an you rat them out, that never crossed our minds an we new we were safe, it was an unspoken bond/trust.That friendship at times could seem one sided an so many would say it an see it,but I always tried to believe more in it.You know where she may betray a so called friend an I would say well those aren't the kind of friend I am ..I am " family", and then once she did- she betrayed me more then all the others together.She slept with not just my boyfriend, or my kids dad, but the boy I was planning to marry ( as in literally planning, as in she was maid of honor) an to top it she lied to me for the first time an then hide from me that her pregnancy that I was celebrating was by my kids dad an with it she made me a towns joke, and do you know what I did??? I believed that she was sorry, with ever look in my eye denying it, I wanted to believed she was sorry-later said she did me a favor..he cheated a lot an was a drunk ( but I always played the cheating off that we were young, but he chose to start wedding plans an betrade that again luckly before the big day , right? Point being , I believed because I was her loyal friend she was mine..I believed that because I could never hurt her she couldn't hurt me..we were family in my eyes,because I was longing for real love..still to this day as life changes she believes at times that I have turned my back on her,because that is do to her once unloyalty she keeps waiting for pay back..** here's a hidden belief I live by" the best revenge ...is NON!! So I stay loyal an always will. Her life has changed so has mine, the only difference is she is till " home" in my eyes ,the safest place to be,but sadly hers has led her to many unloyal people and they know how loyal an unconditional my love is an they point the finger at me, and I can be the same way-part of why we have always bonded so well, we don't like to deal with the issue where it lays ,we rather find someone else who is to blame then ourselves or the one we want to love us an believe is loyal so we take it out on another,sadly for her that is ME. I again , believe in my heart she knows I am to loyal for what others blame me for, and I try an let her harsh words pass by. NO one will sadly love her as much as I do an I am only her friend/family an n o one will ever see her worth what she is like I know an that hurts me. Again, that is me thinking that if I keep my loyality and unconditional love I will receive it back an I haven't.
Loyalty along with unconditional love is something that I have wanted since I was such a young teen. I remember being a young teen and I dated this boy ( well say ) Mike ( there was a lot of those in town) and we would spend so much time together, we would walk home from school together ( until he got his license -he was one of the first to drive& have a car) and we would hang out an just talk for hours,or chill in his living room watching t.v but everything was just so natural, no odd silence or the need to fill time with young make out time( heck we def. filled much time with that) but it wasn't all we were had between us. As much as I had always wanted that unconditional caring for an the loyalty to, he had it for me..cause I knew others made fun of him for being with me ( such as his brother said I looked like their family dog) or others who said I was fat/ugly an he never cared, and he was so loyal an open with me that he would tell me the things said because he never wanted to hide anything, and I think after finally having something I thought could be though an out of high school..it scared me, and some how I blew it( I am still unsure how it ended really )but I know he decided to, I try an recall an can only think my actions left him no choices an I know he was such a good honest kid another girl wanted his attention an it was tempting to him, and that was my fault for making it easy for him to find it appealing. From that point on I dated some boys who seemed as tho they could really want a future with me,but after Mike an being so unsure I didn't feel I really deserved something good, and for years I let the bad go for not being someone I could be myself ( loyal/honest an want to give my all to) an the good go in fear..Sadly in all the years to come I think only 2 more real good ones who wanted all they knew I wanted an give all that I wanted to give, I messed those up big time. Now I look back an real regret messing up the ones who may have really been someone I who would be worth everything I wanna give to someone.
Oddly, both have told me when we spoke through the years .. "Your life is your story , and you need to write it how you want it told" and " It is not to late to finish writing your story with the way it needs to be written" along with " How they really did love me- unconditional love ", it felt good to hear them tell me maybe I was one that got away or they wish sooner we had talked an figured out if our paths were supposed to recross. It is really hard at times,because I have just wanted for true love for so long an to be wanted/desired /missed an just have someone give back all I wanna give,or appreciate that my one big thing I want is to do all the small gestures to just see the one I love smile everyday an know I am who they love , but I have settled alot through these years to end up only to spend the last 25 years unappreciated,emtionally abused, at times cheated on, an just not wanted an def. not loved hurts to know I can't look back, but I will always regret an wonder.I pray one day to have the love like the ones I throw away.
Mean time, I have spent 13 years wish to have my husband beat his alcohol abuse and here we are, finally day 14 sober an he is trying hard..but all I thought would come with him being sober just isn't there. I believed the evil things he said to me an the way he seen me was the booze, and maybe it hasn't been enough time yet, but being loved an desired I don't see that coming..the affection as already been even more distant, the words of kindness haven't even surfaced alittle, helping me with small chores,errands, an such things even like family time is not wanted. Again maybe it is to soon for him, but in these past few months that I have been really soul searching, and being reminded how much I have been loved an wanted in the past makes me wonder... is what I have waited for so long even what I want or who I want?? I always knew if he wanted he could get clean he just didn't want to,now he is an I am still not who he wants an that isn't enough for me anymore,because if he can't love be sober he won't ever love me like I need/want and deserve..
So all this time wanting this love, I think I have been seeing it all wrong..I was thinking their love for me an the love I gave back would make me feel more fulfilled an it won't, I thought their love made me who I am an it doesn't, and I thought the way the seen me is who I was, and it is not.. Cause I deserve so much more because really I am worth way more then they or me thought, and all they seen as a flaw was really something special it what made/makes me -ME.. an I love me an who I am..an this is my story an one day someone will be lucky to receive as they say " someone elses trash as their treasure".. many books have sequals an this one has many more to come with better choices..cause what I was waiting an wanted was all wrong but gonna get right.
Create Your Own Website With Webador