Reality check of many things....

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just the type the "what if" "what could have been " type of person. Holding me back from my very own happiness, and find reasons why others could be part of why I am not who I wanna be, thought I'd be or even where I want or thought I would be. By believing that they are part of why these things are, I can put all this time in to trying to be what they wanted so that I can get to where I wanted to be, but not realizing part of why " I am NOT ever enough" is because they never had the expectations of me to reach such as the ones I had set, and thought they were waiting for me to get there..but yet I had so many of them. In ways maybe I  picked ones who would challenge me in many ways, so that I would be so busy trying to correct them to reach "my own goal of exceptions", yet knowing they were happy were they were so if they didn't wanna change, meant I couldn't change them- they were where they wanted to be, and that just meant I would never get to what I wanted to say was "Their exceptants of me" when really was really my own exceptants I was looking for, and deep down I knew I didn't know how to reach it.

When I was younger( under 17) I was -I would say full figured ( in my own eyes FOR ME-- FAT), and was never happy with my looks. Oddly, all my friends would tell me how pretty I was, in honesty I think they seen my personality more then they were looking at my outside an seen the beauty in that. The boys that were close to me always seen me as beautiful inside an out ( granted I know I was more sexually active then I should have been but I do know that is NOT why they seen me the way they did...MANY to this day have confirmed it was not).

After 14years of wanting Kody to beat the blue can, he is!! Great news right?? He did 21 days, then had few- then went 2 weeks an it was so peaceful in that time..no verbal hours of bashing, but I found in that time we had NOTHING to talk about, and the things he was saying were still very harsh on me, very demeaning of me, and I realized that even sober he just didn't like me..I thought for a long time he just didn't like me cause he was drunk and being hurtful as an angry drunk...but sadly none of that was not it at all, he just never was seeing the good..leaving me asking again " what is wrong with me"?? What was I missing? I had finally gotten what I had been wanting,wishing for..I had a vision of this life that could be if he would just lose the can an SEE ME.. but even clean an sober he isn't trying to see me. He isn't trying to fit into all the what ifs...# The what if he beat the can — we could spend more time together # have more date nights # more cuddling in bed #more time as a family # share more house chores # be more connected..BUT none of that has been, if anything we have more distant and I am left really having to look alittle deeper inside myself.

I am thinking that maybe many things that I have wanted for so long aren't possible until I figure out what is really happening within myself. I have been fighting this weight thing for so long an the thing is I have always known it was my way to control so many things around me.. then the person I am with, their drinking became a thing I wanted to control thinking it would give me more of what I needed to take over the eatting disorder,but now he is beating it an I am still not getting what I had hoped for. I don't even wanna say it is me, because I truly do believe that although there is many things I KNOW I need to fix within myself, I know I am a good enough person to not deserve the life I am being given or excepting. I also know still feeling out of control that is partial because I am not happy being happy. I also know I suffer with things from the past that I have don't have closure on an I can't get them if the other party won't meet in the middle an it drives me crazy to be lost with out those answers I want, and maybe with those I could find better ways to get where I  need to be. 

Right now I am working on trying to find the right ways to help myself get to where I want to be an deserve , the healthy way.. Once I know those steps I will list those an the progress here, so you as well I can follow an look back to the journey of getting there.

It is a new year, and I want more an better things for myself an my children, and it hurts that I always thought my husband would be a part of that if he got healthy but sadly I don't know the sober him, and even the sober him doesn't like or love me an I have to let that sink in an start to handle at the top of importance because it is unhealthy for us all an def. for the work I need to work on.