I know that my life is not a happy love story, at least not one I would ever want one of my children to live. My marriage is the type that even tho they say " Marriage is not always easy, and it is a lot of work, patients an full of give an take", this is not what they mean when they say work or patients an def. not what they mean to give an take. I know that at times some think they need to feel bad for me, and the thing is I don't need anyone to feel bad for me..SADLY, I know the life I live, and I have always said " I know I am with someone who doesn't like me never mind love me". Yes that hurts! While they tell me about what love should be, I know what it should be, and I know that I do not have it and I am deathly afraid I will not live long enough to see it or for my children to see me have it. I always wanted a love that was just the real kind,nothing over the top,just true and unconditional..the kind that when my children ever thought they had found it they would settle for nothing less than the love their mom had showed them. I can now only hope that, that example comes from the love I share with each of them.. Even then tho, I worry- I haven't showed them the true love..the make them first, keep them safe, and all that comes with true love,because I have let them see me settle, and struggle,putting myself last so many times an them too..letting this man make the calls in so many ways of our lives...
So many people tell me, I don't wanna be rude..and it's like just hit me with it..and I always smile before they even smart, and they always say "NO really, you know I love you an it hurts me to see you hurt, but you have to leave, I worry about you an this is not ok". I just smile the whole time they talk.. REALLY??? Do they think I don't know this.. that I think anything about my lifestyle is ok or even justifiable? They have all known me since I was 17 an pregnant with gracey an was living a life of beatings, choked against the wall while my eyes seen only black- with my baby in my arms, knives put to my throat, threaten to ever leave an I'd never see another day..Lived the life of him cheating on me,leaving me with STDs an making the cheating well known, never hidden and told I was the trash, but I made it through every beating- knowing I had never done anything to deserve that fist to my head, and I did truly believe leaving that I would not see another day..not see my little girl grown up an fall in love,have kids,get married,BUT one day it was time..enough was enough an it was a chance " I had to be READY within MYSELF" to walk away.If I wasn't emotionally an mentially ready, I would never had been strong enough for all that would lay ahead of me.. Same as now, and anyone who is facing a life like this you understand you have to be ready, not when others are ready. If you don't decide that letting go is right for you doesn't make you weak. I understand that Kody doesn't love me, but reguardless of the depth of love I have for him right now is NOT a factor.. in the end he was once a good friend,someone I knew had my back when I needed someone( sadly I know he is no longer that friend) but he is not just a man who I took a vow to ( an it for me did say " in sickness an health") but he is the father to my children, and walking away with out someone to watch over him would worry us all an I couldn't live with myself worried I left someone I cared for while "sick" cause that is what he is,is sick! I know he doesn't worry about the harm he is doing me, an how sick he is making me inside,BUT we are different people. We care differently, we love differently, we cope differently and most of all we have different strengths and goals.. My goal is to get well enough to handle all that I have allowed his sickness to do to me an I've allowed it to let me to do to my kids..I always wanna say " You are hurting are children" but the truth is ..it is ME.. I am supposed to be their safe place but in the end of it all ...IF NOTHING ELSE.. this life we are all in will make the children grow up to find, have an give TRUE LOVE.. they won't ever show anyone in their lives this kind of hurt, or allow it to be given /taken..Hopefully they will know too, I didn't stay because I didn't love them but because I loved them enough to show them how it shouldn't be but IF you do live it , it is because the person who is loving wrong- is someone you care to try an help,not turn on everytime things aren't as others think it should be. Even then, many say but it is doing more harm for me then it is worth or they care about.. an that is ok, because I am the one who knows what I have to do to feel ok the day I do walk away. Remind you... I have lived this all before, but that was a much darker, harder place to be..although I can not lie, at times I think the beatings aren't as bad as the hurt of this emotional abuse holds.
To many this emotional abusive marriage I am in is just a clear answer, and it isn't. They say I make excuses allowing things to continue, but I call it fog. You can look in a mirror an you can only see what is really there..right?? Not if the mirror has become foggy then 2 people can be looking into the same mirror but with so much fog the objects in the mirror can be cloudy, blurred, hard to be sure what it is your seeing. Many days the hate Kody has for is so clear, and I know I need to figure out the best plan for us to go other ways in life an let go of this life that is not working for any of the 5 of us...I cry at night into that very clean and clear mirror, and I know the answers, but when others stand beside me — I let out this big scream of horror to be living it all over again, that my breath fogs the mirror up.. making it so that others can't see it as clear as I can, and they can't see what I see because they don't live it. Even if they think they have once lived it, they haven't...NO 2 nightmares can ever be the same, just like no 2 foggy reflections can be the same. Sure, I can wipe that fog right off so they can see more clearly, but they couldn't understand why I choose to keep making the choices I do, the choice to defend Kodys hate for me, or for the horrible nights of endless hours of tourmeant..because each person has a limit of understanding ( I understand addiction sadly on many levels..from within myself, from watching family members suffer or die..I get it)..I also believe that one doesn't choose to be this mean an hurtful to any other person NO matter the hate they have for them.. and hate is exactly how Kody feels for me, but I also know he is sick..being an alcoholic is a sickness... and I wouldn't walk away if he had cancer an it was to much to handle or see, right?? So you don't turn away now... but I also know if he had cancer an choose to not get help an slowly die, then that is a choice he could make...so the question would be if he didn't get the help he needed to be well would I leave an at what point... SO, that is the question here as well... " At what point, of him choosing to NOT get the help we all need him to get for not just him but for us, do I say " I have tried, I have been there, I have supported him, and stuck by him, and MOST importantly I KNOW there is NOTHING else I can do/take/handle and feel good with it"???
If there is any advice I could ever give my children or grandchildren in life is... Don't ever say you love someone who you don't fully love ( fully loving them,means there is NOTHING you wouldn't ever do to always be there.. an that means not walking away when things weren't always easy or how you want it, and wouldn't work hard to know you have TRULY tried with all you had) and the only way you let go( not give up..let go of!!) is when you can to the fullest know inside yourself, NOT to any one else, just you..know you gave/took all you could, and you won't ever 2nd guess if you did the right thing as long as you could for yourself. I think I would also tell them you never marry anyone that doesn't make you laugh so hard that you end up with fish lips ( fish lips= laughing so hard that you have to pinch your cheecks together to stop the burning,making your lips moosh together like a fish ),and isn't truly your best friend( the one you can always turn to good or bad, they will cry with your pain,jump with your joy, hug you just because they feel you have had a rough day, and when afraid they won't even need a moment to make sure you know your not alone an assure you with just what you need to hear right then, and they won't always love everything you do& that is more then ok- NOT because it will be giving you something to talk about after you each get to do that thing BUT because you both will support the other in what is important to them without taking it away from them, and your best friend won't ever try an change anything about you, to them they will love them or love that it drives them crazy)..
As long as they can follow that little advice, they won't ever need to make their mirror foggy to get through just one more day, so they can hide from themselves -not really from others.
While I work on finding myself in the fog, I will continue to live *Loving *Unconditionally *Making memories* ( that will be) *Unforgotten *L.U.M.U
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