Normal...Is that a Thing???

I wanna wake up just one day and feel like I did 6yrs ago.. I mean really I would like to wake up an be 13 again and start all over. Many ask if you could go back would you... I would. For right this minute I just wanna go back 6 years ago. I want to feel what my body in some small way felt normal, if that is even a thing. 

Growing up I always suffered with pain. I use to cry in horrible pain and never knew what it was. I was getting ready to start my cycle, and use to think it was that. This pain would at times seem to come right before my cycle. The only thing that would really help would be super hot shower, a heating pad as tightly as I could between my legs an some pain meds. I really just never wanted to complain much of the pain because by the time I was ready to, I had become sexually active an it always seem to hurt way more after sex,so I didn't wanna say anything..just figured I would out grow it.

I don't think I really told my mom much about all the pain. She knew I suffered with kidney infections..we could never really understand for along time why they came so often.During these spit an spat times, I would get a pain in my lower stomach an lower area.I had always just figured the infections was the cause to all this pain, what else could it really be? I'm 14/15 yrs old.With these pains I just kept to the meds Dr. gave an heating pad trick...normally kidney infections have signs, starting with the biggest being UTI,but I never had those when the test were ran...and it would be about 10 years after it started to understand why. I was born with an extra uritter tube( the tube that lead from you bladder through the kidney an down the urinary track ) and so when my body would make urine, and would ty travel down, some would contract back up into the tube connected to the kidney, but it would get pushed up into the extra tube an sit there growing bacteria an then finally push into my kidney making infections.. but we never had any idea about this,cause even with x-rays an such nothing ever showed,until by chance one time after doing this one test,where they inject you with a dye an watch it travel through to make sure no blockage, they caught it trapped in another area off the normal track. They had finally seen it was an extra tube, and once the urine would go back up there was no way for it come back down so I never got the UTI that most would get an when untreated would give them the kidney issues...Finally, answers I thought..so I had a surgery to close off the opening end to the extra tube. I felt better finally, well the kidney pain had finally ended.

At least I had thought, but at the time I had finally gotten the surgery, I was with my ex-girl friend. So of course, sex was not the same, so noticing the pain wasn't as often. I had just kept thinking-in my head it was only during my cycle,but it wasn't(I realized it was more often then my cycle, my cycle barely came but this pain seem to always come when the cycle should have & didn't-found that odd too)..The pain had gone on for about another 10 years since the surgery,before Drs. finally realized I had been suffering with "Endometriosis" ( a disorder where the lining that normal lines the inside of uterus, it grows outside your uterus, so when you would actually get a cycle there was no lining inside to protect the pain or the flow correctly,so your cycle would build up inside an around the uterus making built up walls/scars...an that is what would add the extra pain during sex,because it would be hit with their penis, and at times if hit a few times it would brake the built up wall an cause a lot of bleeding an cramping)..Once we finally had the real answers, the temp. solution was still pain meds. heating pad as tight as it could be between my legs.. and since at this point I am very committed in my new relationship an about to be thinking marriage, the Dr. kept me on pain meds. so I could take 2 before sex an 1 or 2 after.. Yes, I know that is about 30/40 mg of codone  in a short amount of time,but it was needed to keep up with my sexual life, couldn't be an unhappy to be wife, could I?? Not physically -Dr wouldn't have that..couldn't help the emotional part...No, the meds didn't even help that pain. To be honest for the few years I would be on those meds. I was never addicted, I would end up with bottles full all over the place...and ok yeah, I would now and again take "1" yes just "1" if I knew we would be getting together with friends as my buzz, I didn't drink an needed to relax to let lose( I didn't know yet about the anxiety- like the endometriosis it wasn't a talked about thing yet). I think I would prob take maybe 7 out of a bottle of 90. I had been told around 33 ish that I could have surgery.. a "Hysterectomy" and it would stop my cycles an the pain would stop, and the bleeding during intercourse..BUT I couldn't have anymore kids?????????? Could I bare that? I at this point had 4 kids, my little girl was 3.5 yrs old, my son above her was 5 & son above that was 7 an heck my oldest was about 16 ( only 1.5 younger then when I had her...did I want to be able to end up pregnant at some point as her??NO!!!!) Yet.. I could NOT bring myself to be ok with saying I couldn't have kids..it is different to not want them, or take birth control to not to, but inside to KNOW that you can't..I don't know if I could mentially handle that. Then I worried too, "what if ever we didn't work out then I was blessed with happiness &he wanted more, and I couldn't -making me unwanted"..?? In the end I had no choice really, I could not take another day of that pain.Lets be honest too, NO PERIOD ANYMORE,even tho they didn't come often I was ok with not  having at all. The sucky part was after, Kody wasn't there.He didn't come with me day of surgery, I get he had to be home the kids they were small,but it hurt inside. One nice part was he did let me pick the new king size bed to heal in,but he never took care of me..my friend had been staying with us an she did everything I needed from the kids,to cooking to helping me bath,and making sure I took my meds. but those pain meds couldn't touch the pain I was in... so they went in with the collection I had been building, and they kept them coming — refill after another for awhile. Not even sure why I liked collecting them, maybe I knew one day I would need them more then just my monthly buzz??? 

I had ended up having more then 250 stolen from me at one point.. and of course shortly after my wedding an thank god not before ,or during the  honeymoon I had went to go get out of bed, and fell to the floor.. My legs buckled up, fell right to the floor with a burning from my back to my butt cheek all the way to my toes, something I could ever really explain the pain of,and I think I had enough pain meds. left to get me through 2 days.Not knowing what was wrong, I couldn't sit, or walk,bath,sleep or dress myself. I found myself spending more time in the bottom of my tub in the hottest water I could handle, at times in there so long the water would end up ice cold an was hard to get someone to hear me an help me out. One day my mom had came in an found me,she took me to the hospital an thank heavenly they had given me a steroid shot and in just seconds the burning had stopped. The pain sure didn't but the burning was part of the worse of it. I would wake up everyday after in tears, I didn't wanna ever wake up again at some points.I didn't wanna put my feet on the floor it felt like pins an needles stabbing me with each step. Trying to drive the kids to school was such agony & I would see my sister or a teacher and they would look so worried asking how I was.I just wanted answers, but I didn't even know what was wrong so how did I know what Dr. to look to help for. Took time but finally E.R did some x-rays, cat scans, an the works to find out I had 2 slipped disk in my back an 1 in my neck( with time it all has gotten twice as bad), so I started seeing a pain specialist, and they immed. started me on pain meds, along with monthly steroid shots,an let me tell you altho I had never been big on them, they had become my best friend, masking the pain- very little but enough I could bath myself some an be with my kids. Here I am almost 4 yrs later and the pain seems to have only gotten worse ( I now have more slipped/herniated disk,in my back an neck) and the meds don't even touch the pain I suffer with. I have tried all kinds of treatments..from epidural injections ( they are needles injected into the empty disk spot with steroid/pain reliever ** they do not help at all they just make the nervous more angry), chiropractor to try an pop the disk back in, a temp. stimulator in planted ( that is *if you have ever been to a chiropractor* the sticky pads they put on your back an vibrate but inside you, and it hurts so bad) again no help just made things worse I feel.I do whatever the Dr says I should try. You would think by now I would be use to the pain, and I am not..each day seems worse, as tho the things I try to do to stay normal an not just lay around ( as Kody puts it,this is all in my head an I just wanna lay around..but any of his friends their pain is real ,even if they say everything I say about how hard life is an the limits to what you can do) that hurts a lot too.I still push to do all I can to not do less with the kids then I  use to but I cant at times push any harder then I am,because the pain is already way to much an I know that little extra is more days of tears of hate of life.The less I can lately, and the more Kody tells me how this is all in my head, and how it is just lazy pain, and how he doesn't care about the pain I'm just useless, the more emotionally it all hurts inside. With all the emotional beat downs he gives me, and I see him supporting his buddy who claims to suffer the same way,I can't help but to hurt so much inside an I hate him knowing he is breaking me inside,but then I need more counseling to try an understand why I am so supportive to his sickness of drinking, and yet he never is never caring or supportive to my bad days of not wanting to go on with this pain anymore an how much it has taken from me being the old fun, caring ,outgoing me. When I cry cause I just don't wanna see the day, to know as soon as I open my eyes the pain is there an it is worse then a baseball bat beating you head to toe over an over again. That I don't wanna leave the house because the pain is to much to handle that after so long in the house to avoid causing myself more pain, that I don't go anymore. I partial don't go because I know that I will use everything in me to give my kids a normal day with me like it once was ,that by the time I am home I can't do all Kody thinks I should have done an even more to show I am not lazy, and then I worry non of it is enough I start to panic, can't breath, get dizzy,light headed an soon I am in full blown panic attack an need to now take medication to control the attacks I have worried over what nasty hurtful things he will shout at me while my kids listen an soon watch me stand there an cry.I hate them seeing me suffer with this daily pain of my body shutting down but worse seeing how weak I have allowed myself to not just become, but to become I have handed over myself esteem an what feels like myself worth to someone elses control.I don't want any of my children to ever feel this weak or powerless. Growing up I was never this kind of person. I have always believed in treating others how you want to be treated an not taking anything less then that in return-unless it was for good reason you had to be harsh or cruel( such as defending your family or something your truly believed was not alright with good reason to back it up).

All and all I just wanna feel normal again. I want to be 14, before endometriosis controlled me, my kidneys held me down, before I ever started to let others think they could just treat me anyway they wanted an because I cared more about not hurting someone else I let myself be hurt- letting that push me to far that I could not control my emotions without freaking out an panicing an needing meds..feel normal that this baseball bat was made of rubber an couldn't hurt anymore-my body an mind where just mine again. I just want to be me again, the happy young full of life not pain or sorrow women whos partner is just an equal,team playing caring person an no children stressing me an fighting until I snap, patient painless emotionally strong me again. I just want to wake up an not feel useless an angry an emotionally drained overwhelmed mother wife of an alcoholic women who is in so much pain she doesn't wanna open her eyes an see the beautiful sun shining just miles away from the beach that she loves. I just want to be me once more.

Until then * Love *Unconditionally *Memories (will be made&never ) * Unforgotten