Reality is hard looking at head on...

I am really just lost.. I am sitting in the back seat of my suv,just trying to catch a breath for a minute, my house is just hectic — the kids are yelling about what I don't even know...Kody, well that is just enough said right there — so you would think, I mean yes of course drinking, and the newest babel is about how fat I have become which is crazy to be back to the point I worked so hard for 18 years to over come an be comptable in my own body.We have all been in this house for over 45 days due to this virus bully crap..I don't even know how much of it all i believe anymore, all I do know is, we are all stuck in this house together far to long day after day- to the point I am the one now doing the kids teaching.

So as I sit here in the back seat of my own SUV for just a minute to breath, I am looking ahead into the rear view mirror.. I don't know that person anymore,not even women,just the person.. My body,my age it is all moving ahead of me and I am still this lost 17 year old girl.. Going NO wheres in my life, just with my kids then my  one..wanting more but sitting still lost how to do it, because I am still 23 years later back in this cycle of life..of listening to the peace shit I am by the shit themselves, as though they are so far ahead of me in this life, and guess what?? They aren't!! 

I still pretty much talk to no one. I don't really have a relationship with my mom or my sister,not one past a few phone calls to touch base. I am again with someone who can't stand me,and makes sure that I know it, while I smile an keep trying to just keep the peace and I am tired an drained from trying so hard for something they don't even want, and rather then one kid watching me cry night after night I have 3 more. While the youngest just like Gracey use to do, sits asking "WHY".. so many WHYS.. Why do I do it? Why do I deal with it? Why don't I change it? Sadly like the weak 17 yr old little girl I was... I do NOT know.. I don't..

You know it took me 6 years to leave before, and I truly believed that day that if I were to leave I would never see another day with Gracey. Luckly, he had moved onto some other girl and left us bee, and another followed after her to the point I wasn't worth the time of chasing down. Back then I had a good reason to stay, to fear, and it was death. Ask me now? I don't have even half of a good reason.. I know Kody would never waste his own life by taking mine,and I know as much as he will probably start off by little banter of bull crap I don't wanna deal with an will be annoyed by, it wouldn't last long. Kody, he has this switch- he can just shut it off at anytime, and close you out an forget you ever where a thing. If there was one thing I worried about before was that Gracey would always wonder why I didn't try hard enough,so I stayed not just fearing for my life,but fear that she would hate me for not trying hard enough- so I stayed too so she would always know how hard I did try. Even as an adult now,Gracey can recall the dinner dishes thrown at my head time after time, or the table flipped over while my dinner sat on it,but you know what???? Still, she says I didn't try hard enough..how could that ever be a thought? This time tho, my 3 kids cry, asking me why am I taking so much? Why am I trying so hard for someone I know an they know doesn't like me never mind love me? Sadly tho, I can't answer..

Sometimes I think I am here because I think this is some kind of love, but it isn't an the worst part of that statement as I say it or as I write it is... I know it isn't love of any kind except the wrong kind. I think I can even say, for him too. I try an love him, and try to be a good wife like I have always wanted to be...IF I were to ever be a wife, and I'm not..but even that I know is not because I don't want to be, it is because I am not given the chance to be. I once feared if I left, I wouldn't see another day..now I worry similar thoughts.. What if I leave, and I find my way back to another"Kody"??? that won't be living..just like now isn't.

I keep looking in this mirror, and I can't understand how I got back to not living. When I was "23" for a very short time, I lived, and I lived the best kind of life- one that was free, that was all me, and my choices and filled with unconditional friendship and love..here is the kicker tho..something about that scared me more then the idea of dying if I left Graceys' dad. Yet, I walked away from that... and that is the me I will always wish my kids knew, and the kind of love and friendship they should never settle for less then.

This reflection that is stearing at me, I wanna yell at her.." STOPPING LOOKING AT ME, I DON'T KNOW YOU"!!!! but she is me.. just in a body an life that I hate. one where I am back to hating my weight, these bags of where my meds. have started to eat away at me( meds. that I need cause I am living a life of pain- emotionally and physically) my eyes are sad, my heart is barely even beating life into me, and worse part is there is only me in the mirror...there is still no one beside me saying " I love you & we are in this together, as a team"... I pray that my children never live a life that is not to their fullest or the happiest they can make it be, and never settle when it's not all it should be, and change the pattern an just live it up. I know each one of those kids that are in that house right now, they are yelling an fighting because they are all so strong willed an stubborn an want it their way an no other way then what is gonna make them happy right that minute an I can only hope they stay that way always.. Of course they become the ones in the mirror together reminding the other they are never alone cause they have each other an that would be great if that is all the need when times are hard an what makes the best of times the best because they are all together...of course have partners,BUT those partners will always know their place..2nd to their siblings. 

I need to figure myself an myself worth out soon or life is gonna pass me by faster then I can keep up with it, from the face looking at me..I am getting to old for this, to old to be so alone an so lost.

Until I figure it out... *Love *Unconditionally *Memories ( made that will never be ) * Unforgotten==== L.U.M.U