I woke up this am, in my daughters bed- who is 10.. not for the first time, I think I have been in here for over 7 months.I have known for a long time that the way I run this house is not how I would really like to run it,but sadly not all choices have been up to me. I am always under minded, and no matter what I am always gone against and it is upsetting because it is not how I think a marriage should be or how parenting should be. I want more family time, and I have always wanted more time as a couple, one who is married, and I never wanted to fail at either one... but the time has come that I realize that I am not failing. I have truly tried to be the best at all things in my life.. wife, mom and friend, and given that one common person has been against me, it has caused me to ( I need to remember the word is NOT failed, because I do NOT feel that I have failed) distance myself and lose track of where I should have been for some time now..
That place is learning more about myself, and my kids and being there for the friends who have been there for me many times. I have put so much time into being a wife that someone didn't even want that it was not really fair to me at all. I lost sight of who I even am.. Writing here, is a good first example.. I haven't written nearly as much as I should have for the last several months, and not for any great reason because there is so many nights that I sit in my daughters room- reading or just watching movies on my cell. I get so depressed from the horrible things he says about me that not only have I started to believe them,I have let them distance myself from the ones who I should have been there for, or spending the time doing more things my kids have wanted to do. I didn't though because when I even tried there was always some kind of comment, and it just wasn't worth it — so I just shut down in a lot of ways. Besides writing, there is reading I have done much less of, riding my bike, doing crafts, even cleaning less than normal.. I have been in a real funck, and I do not like it at all. I have not felt like myself for what seems far to long, and I can not even blame him fully because I have a loud him to take those things from me. I am ready tho to stand up an be me. What can it hurt???? I sleep alone an that is sad, I am 41 this month and I have been with Kody for 14 yrs...why am I sleeping alone? I do not even talk to him, we never talk, we just yell and fight..there is never any regular chats. No drives, holding hands,watching movies together...and worse of it all sex- My mind an soul is not into it at all, I just lay there and that is not a figure of speech or term.. It hurts that he doesn't care that I don't want to just be used I want to be excited. There was a time that sex is all we had holding us together and NOW that is gone..fully gone! So I am ready, to learn me.. and be a better person for myself first, and my kids an then my family an friends as they have all been for me.
Starting today, I would like to try an make sure that I take the time to write each day, other wise what is the point? I started writing a blog,because I wanted to try an reach out to others who was dealing with a partner who was an addict of any kind, and how to get through it. Reach out, relate and even maybe learn how those of us who had to sadly deal with this could help each other, I know that even though 14yrs and I had delt with this in the past with my daughters dad when we were just young teens for several years before I could get the strength to leave, I still had so much to learn. I still do.. just as of today- we have decided even if it is not the end...it is time to take a step back and give some time and space to this. NON of this is a marriage any more, and as I have said I am not sure it ever real was. At least not one I wanted.. I would like to think I never really wanted more then what was reasonable, and I gave in everything that I had ever asked for. I wanted a partner. Someone to be my cheerleader,my supporter and I don't mean by money — that I was always able to do for myself an didn't want someone to ever think I needed them and not that I wanted them, I always wanted Kody to know I was here by choice not out of need. He truly thinks I will sink fast with out him, maybe I will but I rather sink an have my self-esteem then deal with the verbal bashing abuse another day..
Today I will finally take off my wedding ring, I will no longer do things for him that he should do if he wouldn't do them for me, and I will start learning who I am.. after over 25yrs of dating- I will figure out who I am besides a mom an a partner pleaser.. I in all that time have only once truly felt loved,wanted,desired and someones everything, and I need to learn to do all that alone for myself and IF I ever choose to try again with anyone-even Kody..I need to never settle for anything less then what I had that one time..It sad that I let that go,because I was scared and that he loved me in more ways then I had ever done myself, even tho I could for others there is some reason I couldn't do it for myself and maybe until I figure out even why that part is I should make sure I don't get involved and just add it onto my list of things I need to learn an do for me.
So......WELCOME !!! To this next chapter of my life an journey of life. Lets see how this all goes..I am gonna do my best for us all to write daily,so that I can make sure I can always look back an see where I made the best choices, fell of track or anything else that might be needed and if any of this starts to help anyone else that would be amazing, and if someone else has been here-made it through an can help me I could use the learning lesson as well-or I wouldn't be here ..right?
As we start this new journey.. I need to really try an stay on track,focused,love myself the most I can because right now I am gonna have to be my own very best friend... and L.U.M.U and pray my angel above me will guide me onto the right path.I did as they guided me to..give it a shoot, give it my all or I would wonder an maybe regret..and I have tried, and I know in my heart I GAVE MY ALL- THE WHOLE WAY..so here we go..
*Love *Unconditionally *Memories ( will be made& not) *Unforgotten....non of this will ever be unforgotten for sure...
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