New starts.. are beginning!!!

Today is only day 2 of my offical divorce with Kody. It is has been a long 3 yrs to our seperating, they have full of ups an downs, smiles an tears, and altho we tried to stay friends through it all I have to be honest I believe it has been partial been me still holding on in some way. Making today a vary hard day, because alot of reality has sunk in, besides the pain and hurt that I have been masking — hiding from others and Kody to say that I was ok and that I was strong, in the end of it I think the only one I was really hiding anything from was ME...

I haven't written in a very long time, and I really wanted to capture this journey for not just me, my kids but also for someone else who faces this- maybe they don't even know it yet. I didn't because I was hiding to not hurt. I didn't want to hurt inside any more then I had in all those years, but I knew if I let my guard down my children would see just how hurt I was, and I also had this man beside me- who seen me so brave an strong, so put together, resilient and ready to take life as it was.. I didn't want to let anyone down. Then there were the ones who just seen this has such a simply thing, 13+yrs of life over an ready waiting to start over, and because he didn't stick to his side of the vow I needed to JUST let go... they didn't see the other side of it all.. this was yrs of my life, a part of me that vowed to be there always-good ,bad,sickness etc. Besides the fact that they should have known I tried to always be a women of my word, my life motto..but they didn't see that Kody was sick, his alcohol was a sickness. No matter the rehabs, the losing his home,sleeping in parks and even being stabbed , he was a lost sick man, and that is something I knew to a certain point before marrying a man I knew for over 25yrs, but I believed I would be enough to fill this void an help save him,but with time there was more then just a void the pain,hurt and scares where more then I could fix.

Through the past several years I have been blessed to have a man beside me, who cared to stand beside my kids and I, make sure we were ok,had a roof over our heads, never went with out anything or missed a holiday or felt that our home was broke he made sure they knew I loved them very much and always would be there to keep them safe, loved, protected and they'd always have what ever they needed. He made me see that having both parents in the home didn't mean that our house was NOT broken, if anything that home was broken.. It had to two parents who had lost themselves, lost the love they needed for each other an the love it took to keep them feeling safe as well as happy..happy to make good memories, safe to lay in their beds at night an not have to worry would the fighting start soon, would one of us ( here mom) cry for hours at night until she passed out, and have it start again as they tried to get ready for school that mom would feel so bad she couldn't do all the the things she once did?? Would they stop wanting to have friends over or their birthdays because they didn't know what to expect once both of their parents where back home in the evening together? That is a broken home... having one parent who is consistent and makes them feel secure is a home, and if one day either or both parents can find someone they can laugh,smile, share everything with, and just wanna hold each other an do all the small things of team work and share the time with together an with them to make memories..THAT IS A HOME... HOME is where you feel safe and where the LOVE is... I was blessed to be reminded that, because growing up I felt I had a broken home,because that is what we were thought a missing parent made it broken,not that one loving parent or a parent in love real love made a home,not biological parents who couldn't parent or give what children need an deserve. I am thankful that altho shown at such an older age, I learned it in time to teach my kids.. A happy home is not a broken home. Just sadly with all this friend as held on so patiently to teach me and show me, I have been in my own ways selfish, or angry that it wasn't Kody to show this.** In ways I was starting to feel bad in other ways, having this great person who cared a lot to help me, to me an others he was caring in a very heart felt way- along with hopes that I'd see that was the life an home he could be, but I saw it as a caring friend who we were being there for each other..in ways maybe being cloudy I was not being the friend he needed with I'd say enough communication maybe* which leads to other in direct issues later I believe)...

As far back as I could remember I have also said that men an women can't just be friends, at some point feelings for one may occur an it wasn't ok.. I believed that strongly. Recently, by the grace of God, a gentlemen was brought into my life, and yes this is where it could be double standard an wrong on my part, but ( we'll call him Colton) Colton and I met, due to my bad driving, I had crashed my car and bought another an of course it went bad the next day..I was told to go meet a friends mechanic an he wasn't there, and as I do I make small talk.. Colton listened with no judgement, and oddly was living in many ways similar( he was the single dad -losing the one he loved) anyways I needed some work an I couldn't really afford and he needed to move his kids into what would become their HOME ( not a BROKEN home- this man makes it a real home) so we bartered some of  his help to fix the car an I would be a safe set of hands for his kids while he moved them...it worked out great..With time Colton and I spoke often of our how we found our lives so much the same (same bdays, ea 3 kids,both losing someone we loved , both feeling voids and doing the best we could)... so my rule right??? That wasn't a problem, Colton from day one just had the respect an care for me that was never romantic,threatening, or in anyway questionable- guess my theory of men an women was proven wrong- I'd say..

Colton, was I'd say the Kody ( no he didn't drink,but he had other flaws BUT diff. is he owned them all ,an daily, almost to a unhealthy beat himself down way)..The thing he showed me that a man who really loved the women he claimed, he owned what he did, and he worked hard on himself to change that, he worked hard to make right, so much he beat himself down daily , with a sorry in the longest depth daily..many times I just wanted Kody to try, maybe he wouldn't have succeed but just to try, the way Colton did..He never has kicked any blame back to her. Colton altho he won't do it for himself he has showen me that I am a strong women who is worth loving, but right now i just need to take the time an try an heal the way he has. He knows he does the work but he won't see the changes he has truly made she won't let him, but if he can teach me to do what he has been doing to change to just find peace, and I can see I am worth more then the void he left me with he should to. YES, I have had someone beside me telling me for a long time,but maybe it was just different because he wasn't living it. He has been patient an caring and never pushed me for what I wasn't ready for no matter how long it was taken,he gave me the space an caring I needed to see I was important an worth more then I saw. I am thankful, I am!

Altho, I have had someone beside me- someone who lost alot to the same as Kody, alcohol, at many time I don't believe or didn't feel he could understand why I still did so much for Kody. I always felt that since he had been there, he lost so much an should have seen it was a sickness an wasn't just so easy to just stop..He says it was because he did it for me.. I ask was it for me, or for a place to stay when his bottom hit an he was homeless an I was at the point of there was NOOO room in my life for any drinking for any reason..He had to choose..he prob figured it would be easy he was waiting on a house soon,but it never came and he was stuck with the kids and I , and I had caught him once an he was about to be back in his car think it scared him, and as time went on and the house never came he didn't get to see if he would've gone back to the drinking..So doesn't see Kodys struggle..he had someone to help when he hit the bottom...Kody didn't but me.. So yeah for yrs, I still brought food to the park, took him to rehabs- with the biggest hopes he'd get better, let him wash close shower an eat, he was alone,he was still my husband and my kids dad. When others couldn't see why I was still helping it hurt, made me feel I was jipping  myself to let go but I didn't really have the right to yet, we were married still, or jipping my kids to watch it..but he was sick , he didn't wanna be this mean person. I would have held on but I couldn't I knew altho sick he didn't love me an I did deserve at least that. So having someone beside to keep me from falling was an has been amazing an so blessed. Just I can feel the judgment like others of just let go stop babying him kind of thing.

I think in some ways that is what has Colton, feel like a safe place. A place to not feel judged but cared for an understood. He understood what it seems some of my friends or family didn't, I think that is because they never really faced being a parent an losing your way, and with it losing the one you loved, and wanting to make peace with it an with yourself. You know the day of the divorce I was online waiting for the judge to log in, and minutes before Colton jumped in txt an said" Remember today is not a day of failure ( because he listens to me, he knew my fair of feeling I failed someone I cared for) and he said you are a strong an amazing women an mom and you will be ok, and when your not I am here. He then offered to just let me come an sit with him an cry if I wanted.. I knew crying at home was not ok, every one just wanted me to suck it up an see life was just starting. It wasn't I still worry for Kody he has a long road a head. Colton got it an didn't judge others did even if silently, and they were silent I heard from NO one else all day.

It is like I try an tell Colton, a  home is made of happiness an safety, and a family is made of those you choose to love an trust to call family.. They say family is made of blood an blood is thicker then water but sadly family thinks we have to love them, and we don't if the can't be there for us...friends choose to be they choose to show their love an respect for you, and those are the ones that make a family. SO as my new intrusted friend Colton says ... Dont focus on LOVE right now,becasue you are worth it and it will find you, so just relax enjoy life and heal find you, and while you do I am here.. I hope one day he will let his void go and forgive himself,because his void is deeper then his mistakes,same as Kodys but until they realize what they are truly, the women they love, have to close the door the hurt an the pain, because they are great men who deserve love the same way as we the women they try an heal do..just they need to see they can't heal us, we need to.

I will be trying to write more often, I read the first yr it is important to do something you love an have a hobby..what better for me then the two in one... writing an hoping it helps even one person one day!

**Love Uncondionally Memories Unforgotten LUMU ( RIP)