It has been over 9 months since I last wrote, and that was never the plan.. I had a goal to write every day, and even if short a little something at night. I wanted to catch for myself, my kids as well as anyone that any part of this could help. The thing is the day that I had waited for, and tried to prepare for Just in so many ways wasn't how I had seen it, none of it felt as I thought it would, and I have just become so very lost. With that my anxiety and depression has taken over so much that in many ways my children have shut down and built walls an in a way become these kids ... I hate to say I can NOT control, and that I do NOT know at all, they are in pain and not just anger with him but with me and that I can't blame them for so I let more go an over look the things I don't know how to help or control.
The day came, and Kody and I sat side by side watching the judge through our laptop.. She asked a few times if we were sure this could NOT be fixed and KODY cried saying he knew he could fix it, he was so in love with me an couldn't just walk away... I wanted to just hold him an believe FINALLY , but I cried an with a hard gulp let tears slide down my throat, and I opened my mouth- the words" Your honor I am sorry YES I am sure, I have to let go an let this chapter close please", I looked at Kody an said I tried — I held on and I always believed , but the hope was lost and the truth was the only thing left...IT was OVER...
The next few days we took some time, not very much.. Being that he is homeless still and I am his only support system or as many say enabler, and quickly became we were spending more time together now then when married. The thing with that was with each day I felt him pulling in control of me, having me second guess the choices I had made in the past and with the life the kids and I were currently living.. he knew what he was doing it, the more he did it the more the kids believed it and started to hate the life we were living- soon making a distant hole in the life we were living and making the space we were sharing with this amazing man who has been taking such good care of us all and working so hard to that was being under valued and kids didn't see the cruelty their dad was building in our lives ,BUT yet Kody didn't wanna pay his support or help so that maybe I could live alone — then again this was Kody he knew what he was doing, come between me an a good thing all while not helping with his support ,so that I would need him.
As the weeks turned into months, my life has an just keeps becoming more an more how to help him so I don' t feel I just turned back when he needed someone an ever being able to say he didn't know I was still trying.. Just another mistake on me, because that is all he ever tells others and himself that I am not an never have been there..That HURTS,, it's like then why do I keep putting my life lving situation on hold or at risk..but I do as I always have an try harder, I am just tired tho. The anxiety I wake with each day an fall asleep crying with is just to much and all whie Kody believes I should because I failed him, even tho I have only tried to help and fix the choices he keeps making- Just NEVER enough.. Leaving me unwhole, a failure a quitter and I am really just not living. With the anxiety and depression along with the time I put into trying to help him , my body is just reached its point...
While I put it all on hold an keep letting him come shower,eat,make lunches for next day, wash close, watch TV and nap in AC, and all while he roams my home he won't help with he controls what I can an don't do... Then by the time he leaves at night an he has gotten all he needed out of me** He is prepairing to let me worry for the night an think he is in his car while he is out spending the night safely in hotel rooms with a women named Farah, who he sleeps with physically an sexually and lies to me about it.. Many say why be mad, but its not the girl I am agrued over it is the lies...why not spend the day at her house, rather then risk the kids an my home, or shower at her house to prep to go have sex an be a couple at a hotel ** that he could never take a night to do with me** take food from our kids , knowing he is about to use their support to take her out to our family place for a meal that is very pricey an then a movie that I have asked for over 18 yrs to go see just one, so she is living the life that was suppose to be mine...he then feed me crap an lies an tries to do them with me but I won't ever try an do those with a man who couldn't do them with me when claiming I was the one he wanted to save an rebuild with, showed the way he was able to lie,hide an cover it up like nothing.. I know I deserve more then that.
It has been months, and even tho he can through spots of being sober — when he is not it is now coke an other things an he chooses to text our kids all through out the night to tell them an herrass them with this stuff they don't need to know. We are the parents we teach them to not do these things NOT brag that they are being done by their parent and they say it is because of something ONE of us has done to set him in what I call his temper tantraum way that he can't have what he wants at the exact moment it just is not ok... To be honest as the days go on an on with this , it is sad to say I have allowed alot of it to take over me, but it has made me so NOT IN LOVE with him, an hurt that I still try for someone I want to show my kids that altho not the best person or parent is still human an I will always try to do what I can for someone who has a lil less then me, yes even when cold about it they are still human and life is NEVER an eye for an eye...
I am going to start reaching out for the help I need, try an learn boundaires an start living life more for me.. Until then always L.U.M.U ( Love *Unconditionally* Memoires- will be made but not * Unforgotten)
Create Your Own Website With Webador