Awake .. yet just so lost...

My body just wakes me up early am now, which is better then sleeping the day away and feeling horrible I did. Just the pain can get to be to much and then I am just bothered that I woke up to suffer, and the to top it normally it is not the pain that wakes me- it is the anxiety, the heart race, can't breath, worrying feeling. I don't know an can't put my finger on what it is that makes me wake like this everyday. I use to think it was the idea of Kody being homeless and being out in his suv Hot, or alone or worried what he had done last night,and if he even made it back to the suv..it's been over a week now an he has a room to rent, so you would think it would stop the worry, and yes it did the first 2 days...then the weeks of being sober again went right out the window an back to daily binging. Granted I worry least he's in safe place drinking , and heck he has even finally gotten the one rule of respect I have asked..DON'T call or text me once you decide to even buy that one beer. 

There is still just this overwhelming breath taking thing I can NOT get off my mind and it wakes me daily same time, and with it is this OH MY GOD moment of this is my life, and how did I get here. I don't think it is the waking up an realizing I am a divorced mom, who is here on a couch with out her husband she still worries for and the fact I know these teens will be out soon to yell and curse about everything they need an I can't afford like Kody can... I have never like to be alone, but I am not really alone I live with someone,maybe not share date nights, or a room but he's here an the kids are here, so that's not really alone. I can't even say it missing Kody, oddly I see him more now then when married..he's always here, take a shower,eat, wash close, get a real nap of sleep where he isn't worried. NONE, of it stops the panic! Maybe it just freaking that life is passing me by...and I know I won't spend the days how I want cause I feel I have to answer to what everyone else needs from me. Waking up...besides the frustration of pain and panic, it is really WILL I LIVE TODAY FOR  ME??? Then its like a balloon goes off- yelling ..NOOOOOO!

The day always starts the same, my body wakes up an hr before the alarm can't breath but I don't grab for the meds I hate taking them so early. I force myself back to sleep until the next attack, an hr later. I then make sure younger son is awake an always is before my 6:30am attack , so by time I wake with next I wake Payton up, and then I wait for Kodys am checkin that he is awake an should already be at work so I know hes ok. Once I do that, it's just us anyone else I live with is still sleep an its now after 8:30 and the first 2 kids an I are soon out the door for me to drive them to school, run few errands an get back to where...YUP!!! Still asleep.. Don't get me wrong,on work nights maybe he gets home at 10, and plays video games til midnight BUT 10/11 am for any grown person, even with one with no kids or morning responsibilities it just seems a little off.. Maybe after so long with Kody who I don't think has ever slept pass 5am after 17 yrs is hard to get, before that even my ex girlfriend, was even up before an I did have a kid Gracey who needed to be up, but she was always up ready for work and she made Gracey breakfast and her lunch and would offer to drop her off at school , so I could get dressed for work alone an off with no rushing since she was such a motherly /partner.. To be honest I don't think I sadly ever thanked her, after seeing other partners even other kids own parent NOT do any of it, it being on me.. By the time back an more pain, I take my meds turn on a  show an let the meds sink in so I can start with cleaning the hurricane we left from getting ready an then the maid aka me lol shows up to get their rooms just how I like it..Kody never liked I did it,they should have learned but they didn't do it the way I liked, I wanted the house top to bottom an still now, neat clean,smell good, straight lines in carpet so if any one ever stopped by unplanned they saw I worked every day for clean an neat house NOT just cause it was for show.NOW everyone just expects a clean room daily, and some days my body just can't it bothers me to no end, it is NOT by choice.. Most of the time I am done with that other wakes up,and I have been going for over 5 hrs, I am beat an annoyed an in pain. I did once say I didn't think he should do chores maybe the older kids should do, but that is also because he worked 6 days or more...NOW, hes back to 5 or less and then we'll be cleaning and he's just on videos so NO , if not at work an that many days off I do think we should all be helping...IF no one home but me an I am the at home source, yes that part is on me, BUT once home those should help, unless he worked late and we are done, NOW if a day off and we are all scrubbing a room --YEA, get off the game vacuum your own room and dust an do your bathroom that I don't use , then NO not my job you have time an watching me knowing my pain an you were out early day before off today , so HELP.. No he waits an watches knowing I want all rooms done.

Can this seem petty yes... but same time so we are clear I am NOT a free loaded, he pays rent because how he is paid, and with my monthly ck I handle ALLLL other house issues,utilities, credit cards both names, house hold product for two bathrooms ,5 people add up,plus alllll the food an cooking an alll the cleaning.. So if at times I am in pain and it is a video game, not anything side making etc then a little help goes a long way,just a little ,even a vacuum that kills me for 3 days that has to be one of my hardest things besides dishes right now with my back.. I just want a little help not a lot , I do like to know it is my way, as he says always "Callies way".... To me that just means not the half ass way... lol

I have been trying to think of things that I can do to try an make the days easier to feel more like me again... Yet the ME I speak of I don't know her.. Since I was 18, now 26 yrs I have been listening to someone else tell me what I need to get done or what I am doing for the inner me.... reading a book, making candles, or wreaths, writing or whatever it might be, it is stupid wasted time an other things I should be doing.. they don't get my body physically can't do it anymore.. I hate it like they do, so we all need to except there has to be a NEW norm. I don't wanna keep feeling I am letting my kids down, granted Kody drinks an many days can't do things with them,but he always shows up later with a pocket of Money that he spoils them with making everything does alright and I am wrong... His unableness is BY choice, Mine is NOT, yet I am the one here everyone here everyday trying to be present.. I am TRYING...

Until I figure it all out... I will keep trying!!! 

L.U.M.U RIP