When will I listen to Myself??

I am lost, I don't even know where to start with these things anymore.... It is as tho everything just runs together, but I do know that I am tired of feeling so lost and an lonely. It's like when things start to happen it all just happens, the kids , the ex, the partner, family... all of it at once..

Lets just start with being overwhelmed, and I don't even know if that is just with the kids. I have Kody Jr, and he thinks he runs the house, siblings and me all at the age of 15. I have NO control of anything when it comes to him. I can tell him, time to get up for school- and yes I know he is to old to have to wake up at this age and the alarm should be set.. I do it tho, go in an tell him the time and then wait for him to start yelling that either he F N knows an go away, or the shut up go away he isn't getting up. It really can go either way, and then he will tell his sister when and if her turn and then how long she has til he needs it again. I get it, I can answer the questions I would be asking... WHY? Does he have that control he is the child, but if he doesn't call the shot we all have to listen to the crap that comes with it and it gets to be alot. He will decide the day ONLY he can use the washer an dryer so he knows his laundry is done alone, he does do it himself but nothing else can be done that day. If he doesn't like dinners choice, we change it. When he wants money to do something with friends or a game what ever it might be, he will wear you down til he gets it, and it is draining. Then there is the explaining I can't have his dad around for a few days, I am mentally drained , there is times he may agree but only if he just didn't get his way with his dad...other times it is just that I am being mean and wanting control.. That really is not it...

Leading us to Kody... he won't stop drinking still. I have asked that he not drink here, around me, or on my property.. Just a little respect. He doesn't. He will come sober **probably high on some pills that I can't read right away** and then slowly I will catch some signs , and get a little closer to him ... BOOOOM ! The smell is soo strong, and he knows I can smell it within 10ft of me,but he doesn't keep the distance, to me saying he doesn't care I notice. Then the arguments will start an that leaves Kaiden upset it just gets to be to much, and that is even more draining. The same old fights, the same name calling an verbal bash as tho I am still his wife. I have said I am NOT your wife anymore, and worse as your wife you never should have for a minute thought that it was alright to even speak to me that way... and you won't now. Then he tries to push me to see what I will take, and I still as always try and take it so the kids won't hear us, DOESN'T work for sure they see it fast. Then I try an put distance between us, set boundaries and time apart.. that is when he goes through the kids with money and shopping and they fall for it, having him come by. NOT sure why , he always takes it ALL back when he is mad at me or they don't jump for him. They brake the space I asked for, they say I am being to hard because they want stuff. I try an explain I am mentally tired... they don't get that. As kids they don't see it all as clear as it is. He goes out drinking, hiding dates and gets all messed up and he calls me to all night with nasty messages, and it is always about how it is my fault he was left at the park sleeping,or days hungry, and just the time he slept in his car alone,or on the street.. Of course I feel horrible but I try an remember I did NOT put him there,his choices did and the choices he seen each day what it led to and he did it again an again over an over each day, and I couldn't watch it anymore,it was killing me. Then when I would run an help, or get him a hotel room for days,drive him all over, pick him up to eat showers etc- it was always the same thing, that I DID NOTHING. How many times can you try an try, put your life on hold and keep jumping for someone who left you, because that was easier then letting them help you get help, because to you the only issue was their nagging about it. I was still holding on. I am 3.5 yrs seperated and 1 yr divorced and I am still jumping, helping, everyday he comes an showers,eats,does laundry,sleeps, and YET it is still that I do NOTHING. At some point,being the blame and with no appreciation for what I am doing while trying to keep our kids happy an safe, you will soon find yourself just overwhelmed fed up and want to throw the towel in. I am there!!! Yesterday, was a huge day for that to be seen.. He decided he would start trouble with my mother in front of grandchildren — our children just went to their rooms so fed up with another fight. I am at a point I know as long as I hold on to someone trying to help when they don't want help, they still just see you as the issue,it has to be a line an time to just back off for yourself..you'd think right?

I can NOT take on anymore quilt.. it is to much to bare. It is emotionally an mentally eating at me, and the way I feel about me, is NOT who I am or should I say I recall ever being. Nor is it who I tried to be for him. Deep down I always knew that nothing was ever enough for him,so no matter what I did or did't do it was all the same in the end, NOT enough.. Making me feel not enough... and lately I FEEL ENOUGH.. I feel I am a good person who is just making choices I want to be right but they aren't, not for any of us involved, one way or another ,someone is hurting from them.. and sadly besides the kids ME most.. I feel I know I am a good person or try my very best to be, and I want to be with someone who sees that, and doesn't hate that I try for others, or I don't turn my back on someone in need, someone who can love me the way I know I can love.. Someone who wants a real future with me. Weird I never thought I would want to remarry, BUT I DO.. I don't wanna not be the wife someone deserves and I know I can be. Yet, that leads to hard to do if I keep allowing Kody around..NO one wants to put up with drama and the drain he brings.. so time for some changes, magorly!!! 

As for Payton, she has been so caught between the drama I have allowed that she is acting out, and has been hard to get her to listen to a thing I say..she has lost trust in others and respect in me, and I can't be angry with that.. I get it. She even just got exspelled... So it seems that I have alot of things to work on for us all.

With realizing what I want with someone, that is hard to face while having a partner. A partner who would give me the world, who has put on with every ounce of Kody from day one- he has always stayed to himself to let me choose what I thought was best for me and the kids,making sure they have always been my choices so that I could never blame him or resent him for choices. Not many men would do that, and with he has never question my choice, he has just been beside me and saying " Are you ok", "Do you feel OK with the choice you made" ,"Do you need anything or anything I can do for any of you"?? He has never judged me or made me feel bad for a choice. He works 2 jobs to make sure the kids an I have a home that I make a home I want, he doesn't question the choice in the way I decorate, the things I buy or how I do things at all, he just makes sure I am compfortable, there is nothing he would not do for me or for my kids. He sees this amazing future for us , he truly believes with this space and love he gives that the old me will reappear and we will be happy an marry and get to us ..The sad thing is, I feel I am just wasting his time. He doesn't see that, that women was someone days out of out misery and just finding herself, realizing NO one to answer to, and someone who was self medicating to just live up life,let loose and be silly with the kids, do stuff we had never gotten to do, and was on a down word woll , that women didn't exsist, she was exsisting.. Now I see all my wrongs, and I hate he has been caught into the mix.. The person I see these last few weeks with the changes I need , the person I feel inside ...NONE of that is the women he even knows. I just see things coming so different, and just need to figure out how it is I get there inside an out. 

Just know I am tired, lost, overwhelmed and LONELY.. and ready for the changes..Now I just need to figure out how to do them. We live once and I need to live and stop just exsisting..SO lets see how this is gonna go...

While I figure it out... L.U.M.U