Things have to change soon...

The past several months, I wake up and always just feel I am in this life that just keep going round an round. They don't stop and head into another direction or stop for a brake, catch a breath to take it in an really see what needs to change, or plan how I do that, because it runs so fast with no stop.

Many say, I make the drama because I am use to it... I disagree, BUT I will say that I probably allow it way to  much with out ever stepping away. I find it is just there and I just stay in this fight or flight mode. No matter what tho I am losing, I give my all even still with Kody to show him that I care an I will an have always had his back, but no matter what " I am WHY".... I am why he lost his house, why he was robbed, why rehab failed, why he couldn't find a new home, I am why he had no wheres to go but a park to live for over a yr, and I am why when he'd find a home it did't work, I am why each girl he sleeps with doesn't work out, and I am why he slept in his car another yr then on an on... I am never why he had food, or clean cloths, a shower, a couch to nap on during day, and I am never why he got his licence back that he lost on his own by being high driving-yet I emailed an fought with dmv for months and I found the Drs needed to help him, I am not the one who saved his land he was days from losing until I paid it off an saved it, or the bad nights parked my SUV with a padded for him to rest, or put him in numbers of hotels over an over an at times people he felt bad to leave outside while he was in a bed they went with him at my cost, hid him in his car for months on side of my house, I am the one who calls his attorney or pay bills over phone still, but never am I any of that, I am just the one why all his drinking an bad choices gets him there, the good the getting better I am not there..Well who was haven't seen his family ever step up. I have for along time believed I was the reason an I needed to fix it, but I am realizing I really have tried an held onto our marriage to keep fighting to help him, but after other women an more booze kept winning I knew I never would be first, and we were in a place we could never come back from. At this point on both sides there is to much wonder an anger an resentment..It is time to start letting go. It hurts but only me and that is not ok so time to let it go,close the door and clean up the bumps in the road.

I have known for some time now that I am unhappy I have this void for many many years, and I chase how to fill but it is never filled, and I am not only hurting myself trying to fill this void but those who think they can save me. They can't save me if I don't know what it is that I need.  Yes, letting Kody go is one,but I don't need lectures an speechs of what others would do who haven't lived any of this. It isn't just living this it is the 18 yrs before that we were all the same, just not good for me an only good for the person who I could benifit.

I have said before, I KNOW I am a good partner, loyal honest faithful and all in but if I don't have that back or appreciated then there is nothing that I can do, except as one said I was a good FANTASY not someone they saw as worthy of real life. Maybe that is their own insecurites they rolled over to me an rather have me hurt then they face their own pain, tear me down it was easier to then to fix themselves. The thing is I am tired an drained an my kids an I need more, and we need things to change.

So I am and have started to set boundaries with Kody, and we are divorced time to be divorced!! I also need to figure out the life the kids an I are living. I know I am allowing them see me just get by, but with that they can see I am very sure I am wasting the ( some would say partner I am with time- but partner can be taken different ways, and right now is an example to that..) time of someone who has been there to help me an the kids when no one,even my own family hasn't. I need to start learning to speak what I need to because I don't wanna knowingly hurt someone, but same time I can't just speak knowing the out come with out a plan.. It is not ok for the person who cares so much they hold on with hopes of something or someone I can't be. Yet, who I am is not who I want to be or really am inside.. I am getting by day by day.. the kids need to see the real me, see me happy, see that I am who I once was before allowing others the power.. Once I do I hope they follow along with just being happy, and it is not to late to let some of their anger for me go..

I have some ideas for the new years..NOT as in resolutions I don't do those,but goals an more priority to making things for the best happen.If my kids an I don't come first with love an respect they aren't who any of us need.It is time I am fair to myself, my kids and to those who put time into me good or bad it need to be corrected an become good for all. We all deserve to be happy we live once. I wasted alot of time an I don't wanna waste more time. I have known to long the idea of the path I wanted to be on just couldn't find that path to see if it was open to be taken or just stuck with the two forks in rd, but I think I found the rd. and I am ready to be honest and put me first , let go of those who don't truly love me or respect me as someone who has been there,let go of those I know would never or have ever been there for me, let go of the ones who are there but just not able to give them what I want an they deserve.. Time to invest in where I wanna be headed, and pray really pray I get there. That is letting go of the past, embracing the future with out pushing it away or ruin it to hold the past.

I am ready to just try,that's all I can do is try, find me an be open an honest an see where life goes being true to me and those who deserve back from me what they put into me and not just words this time...I have learned or would hope by now I have learned that there can be a lot of smoke an mirrors, false hope , an words with no truth or action, now I just need to be more aware. These actions come from friends,family an loved ones in my life, and I always try an be blind to try and be someone they need, but really I have one life an I am not getting younger and I have wasted alot of time being what other want. I want to start the new year off with just better choices for us all.

I big void has started to be filled and really seeing the truth to alot of things and it is time that I stop playing blind.. ( will explain this come the new year, and before that I need to close out this year with what lose parts * such as the clouser * I needed and if was closed)??? 

HERE WE GO!!!

While we start this journey I will try an keep up with how it goes..who doesn't wanna know or look back an see how we get to where it leads ..right?? SO here comes the new chapter .. I pray this chapter, this sign is all it seems it can be.

During this time... L.U>M>U RIP my love

*** Have to say of the signs I have asked for from my angel above there is no bigger one then the ones being sent this holiday, thank you my angel for still loving me from above to have my back like you always said you would... even above you still show with action. ^^ one day my angel and these signs an all of my angel will be explained.. lets just say even when a loved one is gone they have our backs and love us all the same an make it known, and with that I am so blessed and he is making sure I know that with his blessing hes sending this holiday we once again spend with out this angel. Thank you!