The VOID...!!!!

Many times I have mentioned growing up and having this VOID.. Hoping that at times when something was going on I would find that void, and it would make that moment or choice make things clearer. They haven't, NOT even after years of chasing it, and I have chased to fill that void a lot. Besides counseling, I have just made these choices that I can look back an wonder how would that fill it??

I remember one time clearly, I wasn't very old I was with with Gracies dad and the yelling just wouldn't stop, the name calling was relentless and I had just found out he had cheated- to be honest which time it was by then was unclear...had to be at least second I recall my best friend at the time ( I say at the time, sadly she was just another peace of what I lost being with Kody..many turned on me, but I think they were hoping like I did with him *they would be more important) she was standing there ...I don't recall if I was more hurt she seen it or that I was living it, by then I think I was numb an just living it. To be honest I didn't care about myself to care. I lived daily with this hole ( could explain it as I do now of waking daily with anxiety / panic ).Don't get me wrong with him I woke with a lot of anxiety  I didn't know how long before I'd piss him off ( same with Kody me waking would set them off).. 

For along time I was told that maybe this VOID was my dad, and I know most think every little girl wants their dad, I wasn't one. I didn't believe it then because I always had my mom and she made up for it all she never let us go with out. She had a way of making sure my sister and I never even realized we didn't have a dad. Then again, part of that was most of the people we grew up with didn't have dads around. I don't recall my first Love having his dad, my friends that all would sleep over didn't have dads they spent weekends or summers else where so I never believed that, and besides father daughter things were always us girls with our amazing uncles( I was blessed with a very very special uncle he sat with me every ice cream date, and he twirled me every father daughter dance... so I never felt a minute of a void with him there and I knew he always would be). I think that when a young girl dates alot of boys the professional answer is its a DAD thing, needs to change because to be honest here I am almost 25 yrs later and just now I'm seeing women try harder an longer to keep the dad around. 

Really???I don't think I dated a lot because I wanted to fill this dad void. Although I was never an still NOT comptable in my body ( that maybe was a part of being Raped** which I will up date that closure soon) but never felt good inside myself, BUT the boys was a place I connected well ( NOO not sexually all the time). To this day many of them our still the biggest support I have, Kody hated that. 

SOOOOO, I think it is because I have had this memory in my head since I was about  14 could be 15. It was one of the best days as a child you could remember. My mom use to take me to her friend Dannys house( to me he was the closest to a dad figure maybe another reason I never felt I didn't have one). Before we had to go visit Danny, he was our neighbor with my moms BFF Jen. Danny and Jen where married and had the best 2kids ( who are still 2 of my mom closet people,friends, cousins I can have near me) , sadly like I said back then many didn't have parents together..There came a time after us sharing a deck as neighbors they divorced, and we were sharing our time to see them. Jen and kids at some point had taken off to Florida, and that left us more time to be at Dannys , and he had moved in with this amazing family. It was sweet seeing how much they cared for him as he was family. The first time my mom told me we were going, I just wanted to stay home..Why would I wanna do see him when I could be with my own friends?? She said just get something to swim in ( WTH swim , I'm not showing my body to strangers) and she said with excitement come on the family has 2 kids about your age. OH YA that was making it better 2 girls to judge me or a judey girl an probably some creepy son who would sit by the pool...NOO not how it went just what my mind was thinking at the time. I fought, and normally won but mom insisted we let Danny see we are still family. I got ready with a fight, as I did most of the time. ..THEN...

We get there, Danny standing this with such a smile, he could light a room with these big white teeth ( he was darker so they shined lol)..I was happy feeling his hug an that smile, sorry just sadly this is really the last memory of him as well, I know we seen a bit after but not like this day. So we walk in an there is this family just looking at us, of course to greet us but all just there in kitchen. My mom starts to introduce them.. the dad( YES A DAD lol a real family ) then the mom , I stood frozen as this tall boy stood shyly behind his sister and my eyes were stuck( this very weird feeling was rushing through me an my head-NOT the like wow hot boy thing **let me clearify he had these eyes that just held me in for sure, so i'd be stupid to say no not CUTE as heck, but it was like his eyes were talking to me literally)..my mom continued down the line. As adults did they sent the kids off ( odd we didn't know them) I believe soon the couple said "Why don't you kids go out to the pool"?? So we got ready..my sister I don't know how old but young enough I shouldn't have been alone at a pool with her for sure,but they sent us off. Once out there the sister some how really just lightened the mood, I didn't feel judged, but her brother still wasn't saying much so I couldn't feel out if he to was annoyed an wanted to be with friends.. We broke the ice sat by the pool waiting for  adults with my sister out there. The sister jumped in, as their parents came out ( I now know my mom an Danny where pretty close and hiding for a few and joined in a bit),now the sweet mom takes over my sister an this boy ( we'll say Jay R) and I across the pool, I can see his eyes because mine kept looking up!!! 

LONG story short, we get comfy an soon end up in the pool, and before long it's like Dannys new family had known us an we knew them forever. We goofed at the pool for hours,to be honest last time I recall laughing and smiling all in a moment, THE REAL kind. I recall swimming over by Danny, and he picked me up with his legs an hugged me thanked me for not refusing mom, and he whispered in my ear .. See that boy hes a good one nothing would make me happier for one day to see you two be a thing ( something along those lines I was shocked and a kid blocking half out) and then he said clearly, I'm sure I will if not I hope he's just like that boy for u. He put me down an I swam away looking back at him like Im 15..It was Dannys birthday so this family had a cake for him. At some point us older kids dried off an think Jay R turned the radio on out there,we goofed some by the pool then ready to get back in, and this song came on, such a silly one from our time( it went something your smile so bright you could have been a candle, your so smart you could have been school book, the way you sweep me off my feet you could have been a broom as pretty as you are you could have been a flower) and he came over to me at the edge of the pool an out of know where he mumbles these parts of the song..think its why i remember the song after 30 yrs, it was really first more then 3 words together he says to me, and it FOLLOWED with.... I THINK I LIKE U!!! I was so taken back an before I could answer he throws me in the pool an jumps in behind me. I didn't get to say anything cause soon after our parents wanted to do cake.

I was so still taken back like did this boy really say this, or did I think his eyes looked at me an I heard it, after what Danny said?? AS we had cake, Jay R kept looking at me. We were dried an dressed ( I don't know why I recall this big purple hoody I wore to hide my body) having cake, and all of sudden Jay R an I both have cake mushing in Dannys face ( they actually caught it on camera an I still have that pic some where). After cake Jay R said something about me in this hoody and shouldn't hide in it or something cute. I still wanted to know if he said what I think he did, but how do you ask did you just say that, I'm thinking not pretty enough an he is to shy to have said all that,but he kept watching me to time to go... was close to last visit, I know not many more cause I don't recall seeing them much after..AND....

Soon after a few visits( I know Jay R not there last one or two, school thing and with buddies and I recall going with no warning, again now knowing my mom was wanting to see Danny).. Danny passed away, that was a day my soul was crushed.. I had lost family and friends by then but this was such a different feeling. He was gone out of NO where. I recall the funeral clearly, and I remember Jay R parents there but I don't know if I had seen him was -or is blocked out or maybe his parents didn't let them go, we were young..my sister didn't go, but I lost my uncle on my 6th birthday and my mom let me go then and I was the only kid allowed there( not even my aunts his sisters, but I knew him better he was closest to me an my mom) so I was use to death by 15/16, but I didn't see Jay R.. 

Not really sure how, but a yr or two later Jay R was driving and just showed up at my house, said he wanted to see me. I was shocked it had been some time now ( we didn't have social media or cell phones to find each other or keep in touch), so I was soooooo excited and he still look the same an those eyes just really was all I saw when I got to the door, this flush just washed me out and there I was like a deer in head lights of course shocked hes at my door,but his eyes were just talking again...then I hear Dannys voice about us. So I go!! Jay R came around a few times and I don't know by now 16/17 ( I wasn't seeing gracies dad yet) and I remember my first Love lived across the street and he'd see Jay R come, and always be outside when I was brought home. Many times, I'd wish Jay R would kiss me maybe or say something when he'd drop me off, but he still had a little shy side to him with me at least. By now I'm a little more confident around the boys, and I wanted to bring up the pool ,but it was what 2 yrs later seemed stupid and he was never alone but then who wanted to drive back home or back out alone. So we never said a word, it was just washed to the back to a memory..

I remember about the time I was having Gracie I had heard he was having a son Daniel ( and was weird I was gonna name Gracie --Danny lynn...let him have the memory carried out, oddly 3yrs ago my sister had alittle girl danny lynn). I had figured now we both were about to be teen parents it wasn't gonna happen Danny,sorry! Danny did say if not him someone like him...I think that is the void came in..

I'd date the guy nice to me,the one that seemed sweet like Jay R,but they always turned out to just wanna be so cruel. As I write this ,and trying to be honest.. I always say I believe ( just what I believe) that I am a good partner, I am loyal, I will always have your back, I am faithful ( i know the pain of someone not being no one ever has been with me so I would never cause that pain ) I am as honest as I can be ( I say that because with Kody- narcissist there is times you know you are wearing blue but he sees teal or light green so you learn , you know its blue but just say green) but with it I believe I will always be right beside you and give my all ( maybe not my whole heart if you don't deserve it but I am with you , you will get my all to the fullest I can)... Maybe tho, I didn't give my all like I have believed... men always seemed as tho I was hiding something or with someone else .Maybe in away I was hiding something and I wasn't with someone else but my mind an heart was??? 

I don't know if that can be it, and I wasn't giving all of me an they felt it..even then tho you walk away you don't hurt someone for not being on the inside what you like on the outside. I was recently told by a very close loved one that I need to remember  " I am a great Fantasy", that these men love being with me just not love me, they like the idea of I will stay beside them until I just can't an so far each is a long time, and sadly all wasted times. I can't even say fun while they lasted,but can say no matter what I haven't been an eye for eye girl,sometimes wish I had a little , cause I have allowed a lot of cruel wash by me.  

Many times, and I know I mentioned feeling this void and couldn't figure it out.. yet when I was down at my worst an that has been many times, the thought of Danny and his words would come racing in my head so clearly, and it gave me hope that there is suppose to be something more for me out there. I believed he was always watching over me and was going to see that I didn't just keep wondering what I was missing and setteling to find it. With that tho, that song would cross my mind with the tall handsome shy boy who mumbled the words to that song and just let out the best sound in his voice of " I think I like U" , then the splash of the pool, and the idea of him pulling up those times to see me. Each time I was with Jay R, I recall so clearly the feeling of a REAL smile and laughs like crazy..I stress that because----

I stress it because my Gracie is 26, and there was a time several years back I had met this really great man named Thomas and I had just laughed so hard and smiled so hard they were like fish lips, the big smile where you have to pull your cheeks in to hold them from burning.. I look over and Gracie was crying, I couldn't understand why. When I asked her, she said Thomas, I have NEVER heard my mom laugh in my life an at this point she was about 19, and she had never heard me laugh. Made me sad that she thought my small laughs with her cuteness growing up weren't real as she was seeing NOW, she heard the difference. It was something in that moment that with Thomas that it just brought me back to the day at the pool, and for a moment I seen this light of hope that Danny was giving me the sign there would be someone like Jay R. Enough so that soon after I left Kody for several months, we weren't married yet, but I had gotten sick soon and needed to have major surgery that would change for me in alot of ways. I thought with this surgery ..I am already damaged and no guy wants a women with that damage and NOW I would have to choose being very sick or NO more kids. The sign from Danny wasn't looking good, I have to tell this guy I am damaged an as young as we are I won't be able to make us a family of our own, that is NOT what any man wanted to hear. I told Thomas and he said as once heard before ..its OK" I think i like you" .... and my mind just race again back to Jay R and wondering where he was an how he was or if I ever crossed his mind at all????

Anyways, Thomas knew I had left Kody an was staying somewhere but needed to have this surgery an recover, he didn't like when I told him that Kody put this show me your not using me an committed to me crap out there,meaning I could go home an recover at Kodys with showing I was committed by marrying him... I agreed I was sick an in pain all the time from this. Never did I think while I was in bed recovering he an my cousin ( who believed I wanted this wedding) were sending out save the dates for just weeks away, I didn't get a proposal just an altamatum and NO ring. Thomas understood,but he just brought this feeling of Jay R to me that I was willing to bail and what could Kody do??? Thomas said tho, stay an try, if you don't you will wonder always if he could have loved you and changed and fill the void you said you have always had.. I didn't think that was fair, I should I marry someone to see if they COULD love me not because I KNEW they loved me. 

I couldn't understand why would Danny send this guy Thomas to meet me, and make me smile like that little 15 yr old if he was gonna take it away.. Not just with me sick an marrying this man who everyone knew he didn't even like me never mind love me, BUT shortly after I realized I couldn't lose out on what Danny was sending, wasn't Jay R but to me it was the one who would be like him, BUT he was taken too. I went to Thomas house , down by my moms altho he moved we always met for xmas ..I went to meet as we did and his family told me I had just missed Thomas's funeral... WHAT?? we were only 34, but he hid how bad his drinking was an they never were sure how he passed he just went suddenly and was gone. My sign was gone an the void was so wide, I was so lost.. So of course now social media I start searching for Jay R, took some time but we touched base...but he just went cold and again before I could even ask or mention at least my feelings as a kid, just left wondering if I had been wrong had to have been he just went cold...

Few years more goes by an he finds me on a social site and we left it with just a few sentences, that we were both thinking divorce...then again cold nothing, never knew if he got the divorce. I tried to reach out a few times, no answer an figured he had moved on and didn't wanna get in the way of that, figured had he wanted he'd find me again. I'd social stalk here an there for him just to see if he was good, no luck finding him, UNTIL about 2 yrs ago he was divorced left me his number, and I gave mine,but he never called so I let it go he was or had to be with someone being as great as he had always seemed..So Last week I couldn't stop having these panic attacks about the way I was allowing my life to go, I knew it had to change, I had to stop letting people hurt me and stop letting this void hurt me. Figured let me see if I had the message from 2 yrs before and if it worked figured it wouldn't. I wrote up a short text and looked at it for about an hr I think, finally said whatever SEND.. didn't think he'd answer his girl would be upset or he forgot me....I was scared that would be it,not if he was happy I prayed he'd be happy but scared he would have forgotten me, that scared me alot....

Less then 5 min later, DING!!!! He remembered me an he just in text sounded joyed I remembered him .Since that text, they haven't stopped and that real smile hasn't left my face. The bad I had been allowing, suddenly I had this voice that is just like NO you won't an can't talk to or treat me this way, and I am finally learning boundaires.. The people getting them are NOT happy but I am feeling better and my panic attacks have slowed down. I just feel like that happy teen girl who once for a moment felt worth something other then some guys side fantasy . This void feeling is just gone.. I don't know if I am the fantasy he has wondered about, but I don't feel like it is that at all. I feel like Danny is telling me to Enjoy it, be me and embrace whatever it is and be blessed that Jay R is there. Even if Danny didn't mean Jay R would see me as the someone to be with, maybe he even meant be with me as my friend ( friend zone would suck) but either way I feel both Danny an Thomas looking over me... 

What Jay R feels really and truly about or for me that I can't say, I don't know only he does, where he sees me in his life only he knows, but for me I just feel blessed to feel truly ok to be me again. I see that an believe I do deserve to be treated right or they don't deserve to be in my life, and finally after so long I am making changes and have real hopes for life. I even realized I did NOT fail at my marriage, he failed me, and not only did he fail me he failed him... he lost out on someone I believe is worth wanting an having as a partner,because I have seen my worth lately, and I know that it was taken from me,but I am truly someone who will love you fully if I say I am in love with you ( an I can say at this age I have never been IN love) but that hasn't stopped me from being a loyal,honest,faithful ,honest, by your side partner...and Kody failed me to be able to give that to him an thats ok because I know that he has never even liked me an that is meant litterally, so he didn't deserve it but someone else does.. and I deserve the one who is worthy of it.. I know that now, and that is because a young boy who once filled me with this rush an joy and I didn't know what it was til 30 yrs later as he reminds me now, and assured me with out asking his eyes spoke clearly and so did those words I never got to respond to til now, and those words rushed through me enough to see so clearly... I deserve good things and REAL love..It will still take time, but I am cleaning out the bad in life so that what ever this blessing is right now, whatever it is..I embrace it to the fullest and with all of me the real me.. I deserve it!!

SOOOOOO, guess we will see what happens when a 30 yr void is finally brought to light and cleared up. What happens with the signs you were told would one day come and you find them????????? WHAT WILL  OR DOES ANY OF IT MEAN?? 

We will see if our loved ones truly watch over us as we believe they do!!

While we play this out, L.U.M.U always an RIP!!!