Today..1 yr of divorce..???

Strange the way that some days, times, or things in life can just leave such an impact that they just become imprinted in your mind..marking a day you don't forget...

1 year ago a sat on my couch ( since covid alot of things have become manageable through virtual-online) I sat next to a man who altho I knew didn't love me I married. Yes, I will keep saying that I knew he didn't love me because I need to remember that.. Not as a pitty, but as my reasoning to letting go, moving on and finally thinking of myself more and first finally.. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to fill this void so badly and thought he would. He was my childhood friend, I was his first serious girl as a teen, we were just long time friends and then parents together and I wanted to fix the holes I had seen him gather through out life and I wanted to think he would do the same for me. Just have to realize if someone doesn't respect you, or even like you they will never love you. I just wanted that void of happiness I had once for just a moment to be filled...

I married a man who believed I owed him my hand in marriage, a man who has a child watched me — his girlfriend at 14 be raped and left me there, and would always tell me let it go, he believed I did not need closure ( and that was a from a person who as a late teen young man was molested by the man who in his mothers passing he was left with, and he got closure-he admitted to him he knew it was wrong, he apologized mad sure he knew not his fault and THEN blew his head off) .. for me the kid just up an left the next day ( and I will update the closure  that after 30 yrs has an update) and I was living every day with someone I felt was just as guilty, he knew what was happening  and then he to brushed it off, and now I was living each day with this guy. I was living with a man who believed because I wanted to always be an equal in my relationships that he really calculated every dollar our home took to run and he made sure I paid MY sons, and one of kids share to the dime-if I was a few days off from pay day the bill waited, many times allowing us no power or food, BUT always had his beer...and that was after the first several years I was the provider ( he was in an out of jobs, I always worked -even pregnant until labor, as well we lived off a settlement that was for my kids future over 70K) once I was not the soul provider, we had no choice to move to FL for family help..plan wasn't with him, I had left with kids but he drove down after us. I married a man who would pull me by my legs out of the bed down the hall an told go sleep where the dogs go.. I can say this all now because I see that the hope that I wanted to believe in was never a chance to be. I married  a man who  never even liked me, never mind loved me..BUT I he believed I owed him( for him being aware to be safe of my damaged issue and thinking he was better then being able to catch it, and altho I warned him that day, he risked it,got it BUT I now owed him) ..

The sad part I believed I did owe him. I always make that one day that is marked in my head as the day of a horrible nightmare,my life changed an I'd become damaged, known to others. Very clear, try an educate them, assure that I do all I am knollaged to do on my side to be safe BUT nothing is ever for sure ( heck for 18 yrs I haven't really been with anyone, the worry of passing this, having to not fully connect an feel them making sure we our safe ** which can suck if a long term thing to not fully feel them when I can't even get pregnant so I don't have to worry about the oops...then this week with my nurse I find out that pretection and not fully being with them DOESN'T do much but make sure I don't get pregnant an pass to a child lol think 18 yrs learning duh my fluid an theirs still hits the top an slides in NOT so safe) Point is, he made sure for 18 yrs I knew I was damaged and I owed him to be his wife, his personal play ground for what I had done to him. Someone loves you they wouldn't want you to feel that hurt or guilt ever... that is all that I am just learning. I am not damaged I just have a small flaw to be careful with. I also have soooooo much to learn about ME , that I allowed him to take away. I'd like to think he didn't realize he was doing it, but I too know the truth to that..

One day of true happiness an laughter left me so lost to not have after that day( that day is imprinted clearly) the void it left me chasing it down..Led to me doing stupid things, like drinking under age an landing in a bad spot of rape, and chasing a boy I thought cared about me but watched it an left me, to chasing a man who imprinted me the day I became damaged ,to then marrying that man I thought would fix the pain of that horrible days that have been imprinted into me, YET he just became another day imprinted. The day he told me I would marry him, to the day I finally left and then imprinting that day one yr ago when I walked away realizing the void I felt would never be filled with this person beside me, the person who never even liked me..

ONE yr ago today, I sat beside him, side by side with him holding my hand as we both held on to the lap top watching the Judge welcome us into her virtual court room. She spoke, he cried , and she asked several times If I was sure this day -this chapter was going to END... I was silent, I replayed 6 months when we sat in front of her in her court room face to face and Kody said and begged she have be give him to show he realized his love an his wrongs and that he could fix what he vowed to do.She granted it to him, I didn't fight it..I don't think because I wanted to fix it, I think I was still hoping to see he could like me NOT even love me to do this. He didn't, he didn't even try, and I had to replay all I had for 17 yrs done to hold on, an try so hard so much work an love an care I had put in to just be LIKED, not even not loved..I settled to just be liked, to just fill a small part of that void, and in the end I realized if I didn't get out I would NEVER find me or the void. I had to say YES please let me out of this thing that is not marriage and never was. None of that was marriage.He cried an begged and I cried -I cried knowing I had to end it, and that day is forever imprinted that I took a day to put me first and realized alot...

That day, I felt FREE!! I knew it was done so I could put me first and really figure out who I was and see all I had taken and given when I deserved more. That day I knew all that. Some how tho, he made me still believe I owed him "ME".. sadly I hadn't walked away the way I should have. I was still believing I owed him for damaging him. I for long time just kept doing whatever he needed, when he needed, I tried to make his life homeless easier, I jumped when he needed or said, I was always by his side. I was more then even before putting him first.. I was letting people still walk out of my life, or not letting them in, and putting everyone else aside as long as I was still paying my debt for damaging him, and believing I was helping my childhood friend-my kids dad.. but it was all being done with hurting me an my kids , just building his head with control, and all for someone who didn't see an ounce of what I was doing to still be loyal an help, and for a man who didn't an doesn't even LIKE me..

I have always known the happiness I wanted to give to someone an the kind I wanted with them as they would care to give me the same happiness.. I just needed to get to it. I knew I couldn't if I was still enabling Kody. I started putting boundaries in place and he did and doesn't like that at all.. I have finally stood up to the fact I am still a good person and can be such a good partner, that ok he says damaged and I will say flawed , but no matter what small humps I've hit or things I have through I am a GOOD person who is ready to learn WHO I AM... with that means Kody has to be the past, and should have been 1 yr ago.. that was the point to this date imprinted, to let go and find me...

After all the things I have still done in this year, I made the choice to let go, start over a year ago on this day...so Today I will continue to stand by the boundaires I have already started..I imprinted this date, and I will make it worth the day. I will start putting those I love first, exspecially MYSELF.. I will start finding out who I am and what I really want, and to be honest I have known for a long long time what that is, just was lost and couldn't find it, but I believe that life leads us in ways that at tho times we don't like or are hard but there is a reason. Each path we take or choose leads us somewhere an we would like to believe for a reason..

I believe that I am worth more then others have believed and it needs to be what I believe.. I believe that dark path I always felt lost on,the one that Kody wouldn't help turn a flash light on for so I could find my way..I found my way to the path that wrong ones had led me to, the path that was there waiting to be taken when the time was right. I believe the paths I was an had taken an been on were dark because what was on other path wasn't fully paved yet( as the things it was to lead me to wasn't ready yet either the things on that path were still being built to align with my part of the path ) time was needed to make sure the path aligned with the other end being built to make it a full path to take. As each path their is people an things on it that are meant to be apart of you on it, and what was waiting for me wasn't ready yet the path were on was a dark lost one too and we both just needed to have that path cleared an finished an ready for us to both start down to meet in the middle and help each other along it, see what was and or could be on it. 

I believe that the void I was missing HAS been found.. that our paths have finally aligned an ready to take an see.. With that is the care an courage an desire to do what I set out over a yr ago to do..BE ME,FIND ME and put me first.. 

So today, a day I let go, is being let go with so much in sight to why I walked way, and I am ready to be me and not settled for just being liked.. I am worth more!!!