Filling in the blanks...

There has been a few times I have said I would try an explain that later.. 

I think the BIGGEST one, was needing answers to the worse nightmare of my life.. I for about 30 yrs replayed that night over an over, of being Raped. I have used it many times as a life lesson for my children when explaining my worry of them with friends or people they might be friends, or how things can sometimes go wrong when you think they are just innocent fun.. they need to get it can be a bad reality to some of the things they may turn a blind eye to.

After that night with 1/2 pint, and he just up and disappeared on me, the wonder never ended. The wonder if it was just in my head, and I made it worse then it seemed. Maybe I was just a silly dumb teenager drunk who made something out of nothing,and for years I would think this. NOT knowing the other persons side was hard, exspecially one who was suppose to have been your friend. Hard when the only validation you have had came from a man who hated you an wanted you to hurt..saying you got what you deserved..but did that mean I didn't make it up or was it part of Kodys hurting me an praying on something he knew hurt enough as it was..

It was about 14 yrs ago, we moved to FL...once here things felt off, that night kept replaying through my mind more often then it had before,and I didn't understand why at first.. UNTIL, I had decided to use this techknollage we have use it then.. BOOM....!!!!!!

It was eating me,because it was starting to seem as tho--- HE LIVES HERE.. here as  not just the same state but miles from me,as in here with me.. As I was seeing this stuff pop online with access to him, I recalled these letters we use to pass in the halls (yes paper letters, back in our school days was no cells an no text) .. I rumbled through old notes, and there it was...The one about how one day as teens who hated their parents should run to his dads and live on the beach IN , YUP this town that by chance now I ended miles from...

So the letters I sent each year for all those years waiting for answer back from, of course they never came that would be written proof of his truth..NOW tho we had social media and other sources.. I used it for the next several years, trying to reach him..FINALLY, I just needed things, this void I have been searching for ( that I too will fill you in on, thought this was it, this turned out to only be small part of it)..

I wrote him, often ..his bday an mine and every year on the day he had left.. I never heard a word of course, until finally I just pleaded with an open heart..HE finally, ONLY left an emoji of a sad face, BUT he finally acknollaged me some, and I knew him and knew in time there would be alittle more...

THERE WAS!!! I thanked him and pleaded the last of what was in me..which I should never have had to ask for but I did, I needed this ( to fill the void I had thought was all this**was come to just part).. Finally he answered me, with an actual message back...

WHAT could he really say??? It of course started with the sorry I haven't answered you in so long, but what could one really say in a message.. He tried I think the best someone in that position could to say what needed to be an should have been said, but lets face it..RAPE, thats not just an OOPS sorry thing, but I tried to understand his view being a young teen, and now trying as a man to make right or give the closure you know was needed and owed.

He didn't feel the words could come out right on in a message, and he asked if ok to call me?? Which he could do without my number or info,given with social media it has a link to make calls with out the info. I allowed it.. I needed to I guess in some way hear it, and hearing it from him — himself was even better, because I could react. We talked for a little and he explained his side, and I was assured that I was not making it up in my head an he knew it was wrong..or should I say he recalled he had done something wrong. Remind you he was the kid rolling around on the floor so drunk from that whole bottle of goldslogger he some how managed to even fit in himself. We spoke for some time, but I am unsure maybe he believed that I was still married to Kody, who was our childhood friend and even then Kody was ..What you would say NOT all there- was the kid you feared..so I agreed to meet him.. YES, go and meet him alone to talk. Sounds stupid that I know, but I still saw him some how as this childhood friend who was 1/2 pint the little guy and I was older an wiser to do it safely..

I went..as I had said he lived just miles from me. He lived across the street from the beach. The very beach I have spent more then half our days here going to with my children,to know he was just across the street. I went and we talked, and he replayed what he could and explained unsure if he burried it or just was to drunk to recall it, but never did he try an justify it or say it was an OOPS or try to tear down my feelings about it, and actually felt horrible about his actions that lead to it an lead to my years of wonder, along with the years he knew I was hurting because of him. He also explained the leaving in the middle of the night..I always wonder what do you go home an say that a mother would be ok with rushing you out of town an hiding their children from wrong doing..He explained that if I recalled his mom was already fed up with him, so that night he got home drunk and she was already yelling he was gonna be going to his dads soon..BUT a knock at the door ????????? Made that soon, a RIGHT NOW move..

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR... he said that as she was yelling, and asking they talk , he wanted to tell her something happened an he was usure exactly ..he didn't get that far before the knock at the door. Someone ** and he didn't wanna tell me yet who, and promised one day he would be as open as he could** but something or this someone still 30 yrs later scared him not to yet. This person came to the door and told his mother what he had done, with very clear plans of what they were going to do to them both. His mother said to him" You know this person will follow through your out of here" and he remembers her letting him grab a few things an drunk she drove him to the airport and remembers waking up landing here.. So of course I wonder still who could have had him scared.. I knew not Kody** he would have bragged each day of every year that he was why, that in the end he did more then shut the door* and I asked the few buddies who beat him up that night, and left with him, but they didn't recall anyone breaking off from the group to follow him home..again we didn't have cells so it is not as tho the word spread an someone showed up there. I knew not Mark because he is the one sat with me for weeks an the one who every year til the day he died called me to ask if I was ok,if any answers and he never would have left me to not know that part..As well 1/2 pint once I told him Mark had passed wouldn't have been feared and would have said it was him. That part is still unclear.. really only guess I can seem to make right now is , Kody went home to his guardian who was a cop the state lesgislater , and the cop went over there and who else would follow through then a cop angry an could cover it?? Heck he hide what was he doing to Kody, and got away with that til he blew his own head off. 

The answer is still not known, but I did leave feeling alot better to know that he didn't just disappear making a new life and he was effected..he never got serious with anyone afraid they would find out or have kids worried if it ever came back that is what he once did or if it ever caught up to him and the worry of protecting them from things that he had done that could happen to them..

We spoke a few times after that day.. He each time tried to let me know his wrong doing in not answering me and the way things at altered for me,but at least he NEVER tried to brush it off as tho I was wrong, or needed to just let it go, or try an just brush it off with a sorry...he knew that would be the wrong thing and no sorry could just fix that, but to let me know his remorse that he didn't answer sooner an knew I deserved it. I understood tho why he didn't and was just glad that he finally stood up and answered and faced me.. That is really all I could ask for, just to have been acknollaged . The rest of it will come in time, but at least for now I can say I have what I need to the fullest I can , for now, and that is better for me then NOTHING. 

After we spoke,and even seeing him. a HUGE weight was lifted off me. A void was answered, the feeling that I needed was filled with this part of the nightmare. Kody was wrong all those years, always saying it wouldn't help or change anything..it may have not an can not change that night but it changed things inside for me. A full void can't have been filled because this part of things in my life wasn't the only thing leaving that void.. It may have changed me some that night,and in some ways be why that really great feeling I'd have by the pool that one day — I'd believe I would never be worth being loved or treated right. I may have let that night set a tone in away for some of anger with males to think I deserved more if that is all I was seen as then,and Kody letting me believe that was my worth. I can see that belief being why so many times I have aloud others to walk all over me and not respect me..I had lost in myself.. After walking away that day, realizing that part of the void was filled and the weight of feeling not worth caring for was lifted.. showing me there was still avoid there..

A VOID, of being happy an cared for and seen as the good person I try to be, again I know that I am not always easy to deal with or care for, that I am not an angel but I try to always be the best part of me for someone I care for. NOW I see I do deserve that exciting caring joy that I felt for even a moment once, I am worth that more then a moment.. and that is VOID I need to fill.. caring enough for myself an making sure others know they have to as well or they can't have my time..I can't waste more time..I know it wasn't just the feeling that day that I knew or know I deserve but also the person... 

I was told that day by a loving man, my angel that I needed someone like JAY R in my life..weather he meant as my best friend or my partner..he meant to show me I was more then I would see me as.. and I believe both my angels have my back, and have started to show me the light to the dark paths, so I could find the right road to be on.. THAT we shall see, in the new year what will be..

For now we will end this year glad that I have started to shut the bad doors in my life, and I am seeing brighter windows opening..

Thank you both my angels for looking out for me and sending me the light I needed an wanted for so long, and I pray that since my sons father joined you guys last year you watch over him* he has a good heart just poor choices* show him the light like you did me and hopfully one day I will know he too watches over us..

Let the NEW YEAR start in 6 days for me.. L.U.M.U always ..RIP