Scrambled Thoughts...

In the last almost 3 months, I  have made alot of quick, sudden very unlike me but very needed choices. I won't lie- I don't know if I haven't really taken them in to process or If I am trying to just forget them an keep going. All I know is that every day for way to long I was waking up with this full blown anxiety pressure and fear, a feeling that seemed to consume me to no end. Then I would work all day to work past it, and by then the night would come, the night was to me like a fear of the monster in the closet to a child.. You knew NO real fear to worry of, but it could parylize you. I know for so long that Kody was that fear, along with that worry. This anxiety was just holding my life at a stand still, and when you can't explain to others the fear, the heart racing , the sweats, just these feelings that you really can't put into words to others makes it harder..

Since the day I told Kody he had to go, I never really cut the ties the way I should have, and never really knew how.. from the fear if I did know how an just not knowing the right steps to do them. Many say " you have to STOP enabling, STOP helping, STOP STOP STOP"... but what is it that you even stop? What parts of helping are different then enabling? Isn't helping really just enabling, you do one it is doing the other? Yet.. How do you STOP being there for someone you have known for over 30 yrs.. you were one of his closest friends , ran with the same crew for all you childhood, watched him take his first drink that you would never had seen becoming what would one day kill him , the him who you would come to have had kids with an married and spent 20yrs of your adult life with? Many say " He did this, an is getting what he deserves". I won't lie the years I spent with that man an the things he did to me, the person within me that he broke an stole from me becoming I will not ever forgive. I won't ever forget or understand, and if anyone ever did part this to anyone of my children I would wanna stand by an watch all this man is facing.. being homeless, sleeping on a park bench, starving for days, being stabbed, robbed, now major heart attack an a stroke leaving him partial paralyzed where he can't even barely showering like he needs or shave, can barely speak full sentences, keep a thought and forgets at times where he is or who he is right now.. for my kids hurt that would be deserved, for me tho there is NO glory in this. The glory or lack of sympathy others have for a man who is still human an just lost, it hurts me more for him. I know that this man is no good for me and it took along long time to see the hurt he was doing on my life mentally an physically, and that is why I knew that when I was shown this glimpse of REAL LOVE — my eyes POPPED and it was scary how much I aloud myself to block out, and I couldn't think of anything but just GETTING AWAY, and getting to this life I was being shown of true genuine care an love. It took me 2 weeks to pack a 4 bdrm house alone an let a truck take most of what I had for over 20 yrs built- leaving alooooot of things behind an trashing even more, but I didn't care.. I just wanted to be loved and human and a chance to be me and be the person and partner I was robbed of being. I didn't waste one minute of those days packing, and then loading my car and sadly NOT all my kids and hitting the road for along 17 hr drive to freedom.. 

I say "NOT all my kids" because with this choice.. This choice was not about choosing a man or love, it was choosing ME.. With that choice, I had to let a partner of 4 yrs go, a person who loved an adored me an I know he did, but it was never { I don't wanna say enough for me} going to be what he had seen an hoped. Good people in my life are not very easily or often found at all or ever has, he was a great person with a huge heart, worked long an hard there is nothing ever he wouldn't ever have done to give me what ever he thought would make me smile, even if only for less then a second- that one second would have been enough for him. He had my back like no one else ever has, and to the core of the fullest. He was a man that I fully can an confidentally say " I TRUSTED HIM".. with my kids, my feelings, my past, my heart and my future, but I also know he would not ever be able to have that from me, and that hurt.. I knew I couldn't do it. I was still letting Kody take all that was not his to have and he still had it all.. my heart{ NOT LOVE part of the heart} and my loyality. This great guy was trying so hard to show me what life should be, working with all he had to give it , with all his heart hoping. His daily thoughts and efforts were always with the thought of me behind each one, and I would see this joy he had to know he was protecting me to his fullest ability and giving everything he could for my kids and I, even the long hours day after day to make sure that we had a nice home to call a home, and it was a nice home, but even then I know I never left much room for him to feel all that hard work an what he did was not really his home, it was another thing that he provided to keep me happy. He would at times call it " Callies way" or say how others just lived in " Callies life"... I would explain that was NO way for anyone to live.. I had done it, I was now the Kody in his life and I didn't even see it. It was never meant to be that way, and definitley NOT to someone with a heart and kindness like he had for me. It still hurts to know I hurt him. When my eyes where POPPED open and I suddenly saw clearly, I am ashamed of how I was, and let me say NONE of it was to be hurtful or selfish.. Just I had to keep my  eyes open and go with it before my chance of what I always wanted was gone. I gave NO explaining to why our lives were all about to change so fast, just the easiest but most honest one.... I CAN'T AND WILL NOT LIVE THIS WAY ANY MORE OR LET ANYONE ELSE BY MY CHOICES SUFFER... an that was the truth!!

This man was suffering everyday to try show me what he saw, and I couldn't see it, and don't think after four long years another day or year would I have. I was set only in keeping this Vow that I had made to Kody, that was already declaired over, but I couldn't an didn't know how to end the cycle I had allowed. So like I said I loaded and divided us all. Being where I had to make the choice FOR ME, and leave one of my sons behind { Carter was left with Grace in very good hands } .. he wasn't ready to leave town an leave Kody out there all alone, altho he had no intensions to see him, plus he had just started a new program with school to help with the falling behind our messy lives left him. Was NOT an easy choice to pull away from your son, but it was also not really a choice.. it had to be done. Kody was reaching a point that I knew was eating away at me, and that I was NOT able to control or gain the control or hate to say strength that was needed to take back my life and STOP which ever it was that I was doing in this to keep him from getting any better, and he wouldn't , not while always knowing I would be right there. I had to stop every ones suffering mine of course, this great guys and give him back his own life, and of course of all else- my kids. 

For a very long time there was a void in my life, and that void aloud me to do things an be someone I was NOT, because I was finding ways to fill that void, or forget and really find away to except what I couldn't do anything about. Now here it was, this void, filling with answers that I had waited so so long to understand and fill and I just knew I really wanted nothing more then to just feel what life was with it filled and what I had believed with so much of me it would be, who I would be. There had been so many times I would play back to the day this void was created, I would replay the day-the moments- all the small details to something I can't even put into words, but I knew that when my angel had told me that something he had no idea I had felt but he did an saw would one day be a big part of my life... I replayed that over an over, and with it I wondered if this person had any of this wonder or feelings in them?? Then NOW, after all the replays an wonder , for some reason { still not even sure why, but I chance was taken to see an it was answered..but with everything perfectly matching up to align}. Yes I ask... Was that selfish of me in ways I can say yes with truth to it, but at the same time I just felt that with all the ups and downs the highs an lows and just plan BS I had endeared an over come and just got through along the way, this was my time. I owed it to ME { and yes my kids to have an see the real me} and to others to stop paying for the choices I was making to avoid the truth to a void in my life. I at that moment had this chance that was there, and my eyes were given light to finally see all that I had been blinded to, there had to be a reason.. and so many of us deserved to let a door of unhappiness and lostness be closed and open this door that was opened at a time that just seemed so right...

Now, here I am 3 months into my choice { and my son on his way to me!!} and the question really could be how does all that look and feel after such a long hard rocky ugly road.. for each of us ?????

The first week prepping to leave, was very hard. For the first time in 4 yrs I was with out my best friend- gaurdian. Not as tho Kody ever respected weather it was a good time to come by or not, but now he would know I was alone, and he could show up an stay  without me having any say, since knew I feared him. That is just what he did.. Few days later, I was gone and as he did some how got in to the house and had a heart attack- he was able to call for help and they arrived in time to revive him. I of course would come to be resentful that I stayed by his side during that time..  After his surgery I did allow him to stay a few nights while I continued to prepair to leave this man in just a few a days, while doing so ONLY he would be as cold to go through my things, such as cell and photos an take the info he would later want to use for his own gain against me. It did just remind me more of why it was that I wanted an needed to be way from this man, and gain my own life for once. During this week I had this joy to getting to this life I had many times in life played out of what it could have been or could be{ oddly yes, I knew a big part of this void was over a day I had once, but it was this unexplainable connection, and of course the words of that angel that had always stuck and left alot of hope an wonder}, and now this huge door opened, I was scared as ever, and in ways still am...

Oddly, Thankfully the kids are settling in well. Not once have they said they regretted it or missed our other life. That makes me feel better it would make it so much harder. Even tho Carter is finally ready and suddenly ready Today, not even the last 4 weeks before he should have just been visiting, so I will have all my kids here with me, and that feels amazing. If anything I think I am having a little more of a hard time lately, and I don't know why. I don't know if it is the stress of getting Carter here, and me having to get back there to still finish emptying my own house. I don't know if it is that once I get there- the idea of how much more of my life I will be having to just throw away.. there is no real way to store it or a way to get it to me, and I have tried to not think of all the stuff we all threw away to be here... to me it was worth it to get to where I wanted nothing more then to just be at, in some ways I would lie I worry what happens when Jay R decides this is not for him?? He is worth everything I let go of an left behind, from all the furniture an belongings to the family, but when he decides this is not for him-he's not like other guys who have needed me.. he has a home and one that is full of everything you need to live, a great job, a nice truck, and family. Sadly, others haven't had any of that- when it was over everything was mine.. look at my partner that just left , he got a bus ticket and a duffle bag and was out. I had to pack every room and everything in it and soooo much stuff that I couldn't fit it all on a truck to even take. He took a bus cause the car he did have was also mine and I sold it. I know I keep digging or thinking there are things I shouldn't trust about or with Jay R.. From the very first day over 30 yrs ago I just knew there was something in him that just flushed through me, that was a rush of excitement, this feeling that made me in a moment feel so beautiful.. it was nothing that he did exactly { don't get me wrong, he made a very cute unforgettable moment } but it was his eyes when he looked at me. They spoke to me with out him saying one word, and I just remember in that moment looking into his eyes that just made this safe secure desirable caring feeling in me. I can still look at him at any time an his eyes say way more then he does, and he never has to say much because for the first time someones actions speak way louder then any words. Anyone that has claimed to care for me, has not matched their words to any of it, but with him it is all so different. That should be an assuring thing, but I feel as he says it is like I am digging, maybe in ways I am-or feel I should be. I don't know why this feeling at times comes over me, and says there is more to it or something he is just not saying. I don't wanna feel this way inside, and I am not sure why these things cross my mind.. I know in my heart he would never hurt me, but then I think that maybe it is that he wouldn't mean to hurt me, but things happen. 

I just feel scrambled in thoughts lately.. I think it is the mix of so many things. The fact that of course I worry about Kody, but that I have stop letting it consume me the way it did before, and the fact that for years in counseling and others telling me all that was wrong and how much it was showing — that it was taking this toll on my life.... and I never fully saw it or realized it { I mean I knew I hurt inside and I was emotionally tired but just not how I should have seen it} like I do now.

I knew that I had someone who cared and does care so deeply for me, and that I knew I wasn't able to give him what he wanted and deserved in return from me. He had become my best friend who had my back more then even any of my own family or so called friends ever had or would, and I was blind to the pain I was causing there as well. I had become the Kody to his world, the trying to save me, protect me, the desire to be wanted by- just so much of it and I didn't see the wrong that I was doing in it. He had told me many times, but as he would always say it was " callies way- callies world" so I really didn't hear him all the times he had told me before ... Suddenly, now here I am an as he had so many times, tells me all the wrong and hurt I had been doing ... BUT this time I heard it all so clearly.. WHY??? WHY is it that for so long I was so blind, and NOOW just boom I can see all the wrong I was doing to not just me but all these people that I was suppose to care about- such as my kids... 

Then... I wonder am I really digging to find something or am I just pointing out what I see? I have been very blinded for a very long time, and feel now I am seeing things differently and I just don't wanna seem as tho I am just easily blinded and that someone think that is my weakness. So it can seem as tho I am digging but I feel in a way I am just actually speaking up to what is very clear in front of me.. I don't know as Jay R says he doesn't see these things and finds it as me holding the past roll over, but I think maybe in some ways he is blinded to his past... 

I won't lie... it in some ways has been very hard knowing I am on his turf. I have entered his world. Yes, this was once my home state, where I am from and I have friends an family around.. but I left all that, and I don't wanna feel I have to re-enter that for another choice I made if I allow myself to not see what is right in front of me and turn a blind eye because he says " I just didn't realize it, or it wasn't meant that way, or maybe I mistook it".. I don't wanna feel I am always waiting for the shoe to drop or keep having this feeling that there is something right in front of me. Not when I left my son, left my grandkids, I threw away almost everything I had built, I am hurting people that have been good to me.. I'm not saying he hasn't changed alot in his own life to welcome my kids and I or to show me that he cares. Just the few things, I can't seem to let them go.. I have so far many times put myself in his shoes and thought how would he see this or feel about this and I have corrected it, changed it or let it go, but I feel with the one thing that was right in my face- he just brushed off as to not have an answer past I didn't see it that way an then not wonder what it was even after I explained how bad it seemed or how it would feel if other way.. If you didn't see it , as you say.. and it hurts me that I can't let it go WHY would you not have or be more curious yourself... Your ex messages {who you say you never even speak to} on the night I leave town, and at a late hour ask you to come to a place she doesn't even physically live at yet, and your only answer is I am on call..NOT a why or for what??? then they make a comment about forgetting what you two needed to do anyway with an emoji meant in more of a sexual joke manor.. and YOU DON'T comment back at all about what was that to mean or why would you come by if you didn't know?? THEN, you just so happen to have a early call out an show up home very early into the next day --NEVER having another call like that again from the job, just the very day I leave the state. Then more curious how I knew of this , then of the actions itself... Am I just digging???

I am just feeling that letting go of so much and excepting so much new at the same time is starting to just catch up to me inside..