I could probably start this entry off in over a hundred different ways, with this many thoughts... NOT even sure how I don't just scream or curl up in a ball with tears. These thoughts are so fast and there is so many of them at that, and NONE stay in any order making it worse. I know that it has been, what 3 years really since I have written even one thought down? I'd like to understand why, but not even I do.
The truth is I could start with explaining my reason to moving back home to CT. I could start with the idea to leave a REALLLY great and amazing man NO one could ever actually dream to find, or how just 4months after making both those choices, to move home to CT and with doing so that meant I left this man, this man so many women day dream about, Your worse nightmare happens... Your best friend, your aunt who is only 6months older then you, the girl you moved home thinking you two would be glued at the hip once again like young teens was gonna be there to hang those lonely days with and someone was gonna see an hear you again SUDDENLY DIES...as for the man NO not sexually, like some 6pk man all sweaty in a wife beater with a power tool kind of dream lol. Just the Hallmark dream... thinking of you every minute an telling you what you mean to him and how lost he'd be with out you thing, the small gesture back to back, checking in on you with the pain you deal with daily, the taking over the house hold chores- kids- errands on your worse days, the bring you ice coffee with a migraine and kiss your forhead while he whispers good night to you laying on the couch with a horrible headace... quitely closing your lap top that you had been tying to catch a breath and write your thoughts down on right before you finally fell asleep, and then sneaks off to the kitchen to clean up dinner and finish up the dishes he so badly knows you hate seeing when you first wake. You know that kind of man? The one us women make up exsit , where we are their whole world, even if sadly they aren't the one we dream it with? I could start there, or I can start with how only after 8 months after moving to try an get a new start from your ex-narcissistic husband you find out that he is this time truly ill. That he is terminally ill with stage 4 of CANCER..in the skin and the brain, needing you to immediately send your youngest son back home to be with him...the cancer is NOT giving up and is spreading faster then then nass car 500, it is moving into his kidney livers, and lungs as well as the bones. For so long you wonder if there will ever be life outside of Kody?? There was and you found it, you rushed for it, and now after 17+ yrs of holding on an being by his side, suddenly you aren't there when he is gonna need you the most, the times you * well we oddly purposely wrote our vows* leaving out TIL DEATH, and it was knocking on our doors. He was going to have NO ONE who really knew him and or loved him, and it was that hurt you most. I could start there... right? Or do I just jump into how I have moved, lost my BFF - my aunt, I have left a man madly in love with me who was planning this beautiful life with you** given the magical team you two mad in so many ways* even if not sexually there is SOO much more to life and a partner then SEX, or can just go to leaving to just be happy but with that you lost 2 great loves, found out losing the longest love you will have ever known, jumped right into believing the " WHAT IF ..JR" was gonna be a thing.. Jump right into that....
Jump!!! That is what you did!! Into a mans hands that you always wondered what that love, IF it could be love would even be. Here is was, and the man you just spent 17+ years with was shaking his hand, and thanking for him the peace of mind he was leaving the other...while one was wondering each day if it was the last for him-his life with this women he loved since a CHILD and leaving his children with them, and he thanked him. He thanked him, shaking his hand for the peace his children felt being with the man he shook hands with. He shook not knowing if it was his last day, as a tear fell ...he thanked him that- that night he'd lay down and maybe take his last breathe, and the peace he felt knowing the women he had loved since a child of age 13, and shared a life with for over 17 years , 3 children and 2 grandchildren and another that would arrive once he was gone from this world, he was leaving a women he loved more then he had ever loved yet he mistreated for more the 90 percent of that time with... but the peace he felt that she would be ok, she would finally be loved, heard, seen, taken care of emotionally, mentally, and he had hoped she'd smile and laugh like the women he had fallen so in love with but had always been to broken to give her...the peace JR gave Kody was so intense, how could I not believe the same way my children and Kody where?? Just wish I had followed my normal, TRUST NO ONE...
Let me just try and put the last almost 3 years into a better picture and understanding.... Are we ready to try and straighten out, and catch up some of these thoughts? Organize the loss and the betrayal of the last few years, because it has been a ride that at this point I want off, life with Kody always seemed so unpredictable ...UNTIL NOW, this ride is NOT Fun!!
Lets try...
L.U.M.U until then.....
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