hate that I lay in bed beside this person who I waited SO very long for, who I had let my mind wonder off to through out so many years of my life. I use to play back to this one day in time, where I let this nice side of this person take up thought in my head over an over, I let the thoughts of a day let me wonder, wish, hope and think of many things. With each one of those it was a friend, one who was or at least for a minute felt like some kind of safe space. At least in my head he had been for so long! I guess in the end do any of us ever really want to think that this vision we had of something or even someone could be way off???
The thing is I should have known better, and that is very much under stated from me. I am not always an angel, and I guess in many ways many don't understand that. They don't understand when I say my gut, my body is telling me that something is VERY wrong, or that my thoughts and dreams literally plays out what is happening... happening what these others see as behind my back or under my nose. They think YES it could seem so clear, but they are to smart, and I am then seen as less then and weak. These people think I can't put common scense together or at least if I do, HOW?? Kody use to say, LOL.. that man was something else with his thoughts on me. He would always say NEVER under estimate my wife!! He laid in his hospital bed, as we spoke of him gone soon, and he kept saying PLEASE don't ever stop being that women I insisted marry me, don't let someone else stop who I couldn't.. U. All the years I thought he seen me weak, that was NOT it, he saw me as a force others shouldn't and normally couldn't wreckan with, and normally that meant him as well. There are so many times that I want to be blind, I just want to believe in someone...my husband fell short in many areas as partner and sadly he knew that but he never knew how to fix what he was never shown or taught, but one thing besides a loving and affectionate dad was he was LOYAL. NOO matter how hot the women ** and my husband was very very handsome, a 8pk like no other and the brightest blue eyes* he would laugh in a womens face and tell them they were a joke, that he was taken. Now as much as I wish that was just for me, that was just who he was even as we were kids. Kody didn't like that cheating shit!!
I have always known pretty much day one the day someone has decided to betray me.. That is NOT just in men, or women that I have dated, that is anyone I have let into my life. Maybe even a little of why 4 children and they generally don't lie or hide things from me. I may not always know that day, but it is not far off, and if I take the time to play it back.... I can dam close tell you the day and what else was happening around us. Some would yes maybe see that is a gift, but it really is not. It fucking hurts like HELL!! You think you have someone to trust and turn to, you know deep down all the wrong others have done and WORSE...so does this person who is now the one doing all but worse then the ones you sadly even may call family, and here they are using what you have told them to try and use it against you for their own gain. They think they can work past all that caught on before and find a newer, better way to trick your trust and the loyality you sit there with while they are walking all over you. They are adding themselves to a list that is so long of hurt and mistrust, that their name barely fits.
They never care enough about me to say to themselves and ask??? "How is is it she sits there and she calls me out on each detail that I lie right to her face about"?? They don't care to say " What the fuck am I doing to her, to the US she is believing in" or " If I am gonna work this hard behind her back to NOT be with her, why don't I just leave"? Right, that is their end goal... You are so bad that they need someone else to talk to- tell them the pc of shit that you are, how bad you treat them, the slack ass you are in the relationship, tell them all about how you ..what don't give them ass EVERY SINGLE day-day in day out all in between you are sending them sex text, or offering to come to their dirty job ( that while hiding some dirty Bxx they think is the next pc of ass that they will too bxx on to the next about, they are hiding in the dirty ass bathroom beating their shit off to fake shit they pay all this money to watch IF they aren't figuring out how to hide that money to PAY for pussy that you are offering as a partner)... They leave the house and call this other side shit as soon as they pull away from where they asked you to up root your life to a few months before, all while complaining about the obligation they feel you are, but your not a problem when they hang up with her and walk into a hot meal cooked NOT their microwave shit, with their cat loved all day and the house sparkling, uniforms washed- folded- put together ,and laid out fresh for the next run they get.. RIGHT not a problem in that moment? In all the rushing off to call them, try an see them- hope they will meet you and be that little whore you think is real, all the BUYING whores, PAY to watch more whores, the beating off like you don't get it 3 times at home daily IF YOU WANT.. You are not only NOT thought of, considered the hurt they are building, taken into consideration for all THEY asked you to give up because THEY believed together you both could have something more then what your EXs gave you both, or together over come all left with inside, the bullshit they think is so bad that gives them some kind of right to treat you this way that they convience themselves of.. They don't even respect you for all the TRUTH they know inside, nor do they take in what they have already done that with NO reason do you deserve and think about the CRAP ASS partner they are and altho they have shown they should be left for NO ONE, they don't stop and just STOOOP! Even when you are telling them you know what the hell is happening, get OFF the hampster wheel!!!
The thing is.... While you call what they are doing out, and they just lie and lie on and on to you, and they have the nerve to start gaslighting the shit out of you.. They say " The nerve to doubt their love and care for you with all they do", and your like WTF you do for me, let me lay here next to you knowing what the fuck your doing behind my back like a PIG, as tho I deserve this & let me cry about how to prove your BS?? You have made it clear you KNOW, and while you sit there an cry they really think they are getting over on you and your just shocked with how much you do know and see your life is becoming a very bad DOCUMENTARY ( where they make the love triangle, plot how to get their partner out and move on, and plan the life with the next one) that you have watched with them at that so many times....The thing is... they think they are getting away with so much but you are just so hurt all you can do is play dumb, try and them to see what you know, and get OFF THE WHEEL.. they keep gaslighting you!! Still they don't ask HOW does she know all this??? That is just it, I KNOW because I have lived it to many times your just another to do it...and I have sadly done it!! YUP!!! I know because I have done it... and I know the signs to well. Never is it asked "Just how does she know where to look" "How does she know what was hidden" " How does she ......"????????????? The thing is, I know this game.. not just because I am NOT an angel** As a side note, I have many times told anyone who hurts me, LOOK under your own nose, BUT I am so unseen at that point and all they care about is what they think they are getting away with rather then the hurt the are causing NOT just me but one day will see themselves.. LOOK under your nose** ..
I hate that almost a year later , I am still waking up startled with that feeling "what is being hidden now"? I can't take anymore, and finding out all the JR has done is never the end, it's not...there is always more. Laying beside him trying to look past all he's done and trying to take in that I am not no angel myself... I just get more angry over an over at the lies, not just the ones he told me but the ones he told about me to HER. I try hard to be a good partner and it was taken from me in lies ... lies that maybe he sees true??? IDK?? What I do know is KODY WAS RIGHT.. maybe I could work for CIA ; lol JK!! The thing is... if I think it or believe it I will NOT stop until I know what I want to know. What I do KNOW is JR tried to buy whores, and sleep with someone behind my back claiming I was some obligation that I am NOT to him and I know that I am better then he gives to and I KNOW I have been robbed of alot of things in this relationship!!!
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