Odd memories clouding me..

It is very early, but lately I am not feeling like me at all. I can tell something is off inside me, but I can't place it.. normally I'd say its the man I am with, just don't know its that this time. It could be an be why these memories just keep flashing in front of me, or the progress in counseling, or maybe it just being my son's 20th and 18th birthday. THE first ONE  without Kody!!

These are just odd thoughts! Today 18 years ago, I went to the Dr for my check up.. the Dr asked what I was doing there, I laughed its my 35 wk ck up.. "NO NO he said, your 7 CM an almost ready to deliver".. I laughed , with NO pain, and asked they let me drive home an get Kaiden and Grace to a friend and pick up Kody" really I wanted to rinse and put my face on as I call doing my make up. I tell people mind over matter get you far...bad days, good ones, sick ones, painful ones, and yes giving birth...U just feel better inside so it helps on the outside! I did, drove half mile down the hill, sitter was waiting and Kody ran around so nervous and excited ..he had missed Kaidens birth so this was first! Man he was so nervous, and hes like ok ok lets go.. lol I was in the shower and putting my face on, needed to feel energized to get this day going and welcome OUR precious little Kody JR. It was an amazing day with him sober, and holding my hand right beside me every minute!!!

The common thing in many of these memories, I always called my Aunt Paige..always !! Now, shes gone and I don't think I have stopped to grieve yet. She has been in every dream this month, she has been in every thought, I just wanna call her, and now that back home.. I want to go let her hug me, hear me and maybe tell me why life is hurting and feeling so lost lately, but I can't she is gone!

For the past 20 years, as of the day Kaiden  was born there wasn't a day I couldn't call Kody, or actually just that he didn't come home to me from that very day- even after our divorce he still came home, until the day I upped the kids an ran home to J.R.... even then I always knew I could call him, as my enemy and that is what so many don't get. NO matter our bad times, I would never not take his call, an no matter what dumb shit or as he would say chicken head he was with , HE ALWAYS took my call, even it was to tell me I was a donkey he'd take the call. We made a new vow to always be there first before we let others and with moving on they needed to know our childs parent came first... and J.R got that exspecially  once Kody called to tell me he was terminally ill and about to have brain surgery. I was driving and he told me pull over, I won't ever forget the river I pulled up beside and got out sat on a rock and told him I was listening. I screamed, and then got angry I thought that is was another attempt to get me home, until the Dr took the phone, and called me MRS as still his wife. NO WORSE nightmare, no matter how much you think someone doesn't belong in your life, death is not where you want them, and watching them suffer NO matter how many nights you did....NOT the same.

These random dreams, I am always looking for Kody... I am lost so alone and afraid, but some how I end up with Paige. As she did as children ( she was only 6 months older then me, I know weird family line ) my best friend, she would come to me and calm me down, help me look for him, and then some how she take me through a happy childhood memory before she ...before she reminds me that her and Kody our together now and watching over me from above with our childhood friends April and Mark, and she sees Lou and TJ ( two who once stole a pc and place in my heart) and she holds me, and I wake in the harsh startle, and once again just lost and alone.

Use to think that lost and alone while with Kody was such a dark place, but I had always excepted it because I knew he was there for the love of the family he made. NOW, I am just lonely because I have choosen to be in a bubble away from those who aren't the best choices, the thing is J.R he tries to be a supporter, tries an say he hears me hes here, but really I am feeling more alone then when with Kody. Maybe it because I had known who Kody was and that is who he was...just distant. J.R he is supposed to my friend first, but I don't feel we have that, sadly many times, feel I just am a space filler. I have asked to feel desired again, but he isn't getting the need for that over him choosing to sleep with me. TO me that is just me filling a need or want for that moment and being the filler to him having someone to lay with.... I need to feel it, he use to be so cuddly- had to cuddle hold me all the time, and now I don't know last time he tried to just lay an hold me. He use to call home ALLLL day barely knew how he worked, but he wanted to hear an tell me every thought..not anymore. I try to clearly tell him what I need and I feel the air pass between us, as tho it is the earth to moved I am asking of him. I am just ALLLONNNNNE and soooo LONNNEELY and very hurt inside and just feeling unseen, unwanted, and as he once told someone he never should have but he said it, Obligationly to him. Just lost!

When these times a rise, it seems to be so clear some of the things I recall, many our from before I was a mom. Maybe because after 4kids...only one remains a minor now.. 3 as of today our GROWN! They are old enough to get up get out and make their life, no more having to do what I choose because they have no say. It is scary seeing my last boy ..a MAN today.

It is the small moments that stand out, and when in them you don't think they hold any meaning. I try an tell my kids that now all the time.

When I was about 14, I recall this kid Mike I dated, and man I was so into him. He was one of my best friends at the time, and we would hang out everyday and just laugh laugh and smile. A group of us would walk home from school to Mikes house ( he had this hang out spot over his garage it was awesome ... it was set up like a studio apartment , TV couch radio even flashy ball  light ) we'd turn on that light turn up the music and who ever was a couple would make out, and then sit an play games, dance an laugh , the thing was we always felt we had the others NO matter what, and oddly many of us still talk and their. Many married within our group and maybe moved on to some not in that group, but no matter what we are all a big part others stories. Waling home in those groups you don't think in the moment smiling and laughing that, that very moment you could probably replay each word said. Mike and his friendship was a huge thing, and I believe it was the friendship we had then an  through the years that made them all so special. Even the day's he would say lets go to Paiges today, which was weird he had a pool, but we always would go to Paiges for the pool, and hanging outside. I loved getting to have my aunt be with me and share friends, and soon us grow to share preganieces, and our kids same ages....but to lose her and see what my kids would soon face and not know it yet but with their dad hard, and hard they see the same people from my childhood at their fathers and aunts services months apart and soon once my bff and then my GF/partner service. .April was a part of everyones stories, even Kodys man they bumped heads as kids. When he finally got home to try treatment an be with kids and me final days, it was April sitting with him bringing him peace, all while he stayed scared silently and she was fighting her own battle she'd lose shortly after him..It is not ok!

There is many memories, so random I can recall...yet there are some from just 6 years ago I can't recall being apart ..like living in one house and just being in another. Who packed, who moved it, who made it all back into a home?? Why can't I recall doing those things? Then there are things last year, phone calls and conversations that had to be had an were and I can't recall them, but sadly txt show I was a part of them. I am greatful for each time I got to make a memory that one day will stand out to my children that maybe right now they don't recall, that's all I can ask as I lose mine, block them out or sadly one day lose . It is a huge reason why , I have soooo many journals, even books full one with each friend ( even in 7 th grade I knew I would one day want them for mine or their kids to see who we were, and how people can be different people in one life) I have boxs an boxs full pictures for each of them in all the moments I could get, they hated it ..but I had Kody there telling give mom what she wants shes right one day we may want these, and even he hated them. Oddly lil Kody, said in his dads storage unit he left with everything he ever owned ,he found a box of pics that their dad had been taking from me an pretending they weren't important,, it is nice to know they did and the moment was worth it. You know Kody use to seem in ways to dislike me, but yet he would secertly take pics of me or me an him in a moment. J.R I don't know if not in the moment or just stopped seeing me or I am just not enough but NEVER on own catches a moment , without me NO proof we or I exsisted... Yet Marc he oddly probably has more pics of me then even I have of me, I couldn't stop being seen in his eyes, and to want that so bad from someone who said they wanted to give it to you, and they just stopped before they ever really started sucks. JUST LONELY, odd thought I was done feeling that ( when I was seen it was not long enough to have enjoyed it) I just don't want to be this lonley and be some ones obligation, be someone that someone else doesn't want.. JUST walk away, they aren't doing the favor they think they are.. There is always someone even if family that is waiting for that time, it is no favor!!

Like I said it is early, so I will return with random filled thoughts ... alot of these are so one day my kids can look and understand the days I couldn't get up, or heard me yell for what they say nothing, or heard me cry alone, or enjoying a day more then others..it is so they will know me, my struggles and my joys an know on even bad days I tried !! FOR Them before they were ever thought of I started recording my life in book, and film. They brag at times with my photography, and they don't see yet they made the picture easy with their bright smiles and joy they gave me. Yes, it will be nice when someone else would like to TRY and be a part of who I can be!